Addiction issues, my teen and the mirror

[FirstLight]

So I am very close to staging an Intervention on my teen regarding his World of Warcraft addiction... The negative effects of his gaming have gone on for a few years now and he is 18 and has NO motivation to have a 'real life'
-still no effort to get a driver's license, never took driver's ed in High school and won;t take the time to drive with me & practise.
-holes up in his room all day every day from the minute he wakes up till 2 or 3 am
-loss of weight, not caring for his health or body
-no job, no effort to GET one
-spending money on the 'collectors edition' of the game, spent the last of his summer job money on it when he still owed me rent.
-agression towards myself and siblings, especially when interrupted

the usual signs are there, and I am really upset and angry that it got this out of hand. I blame myself, but at the same time i have tried to get him to therapy and involved in church, etc...he will not work with me at all..it's been a string of failures and a dance of angst for a few years now. I have thrown my hands up in the air more than once and let it be, only to see it get worse...

so here's the rub:
my own addictions
how can i tell him that he needs to stop when i have my own obvious addictions? I managed to stop smoking pot so i can test clean for a job, but I'm still struggling with drinking and smoking. that evening ritual of sitting in front of the tv and numbing out is my vice as well...
I want to have my shit all in order before I tell him he has issues, because i KNOW he will just throw it in my face.

However much I like my wine or cigs at night, i am a fully functioning mommy 98% of the time. I cook for everyone, clean (sporadically, lol) and do the laundry and keepo the house running...so my vice seems like a small thing. It's ME that is not happy with my own behavior. but the mirror of my son's addiction is very hard to take too.

anyway, i feel like I am rambling but this has been weighing on my mind and i don;t know what the next steps are exactly

[OneGrassRoot]

1. Have you told him this?

Have you admitted that you are battling your own demons, and that it breaks your heart to see him be a mirror for you?

(Those mirrors are a bitch, aren't they? ;))

I'm wondering if you've allowed yourself to be completely open -- and vulnerable -- with him (rather than always trying to be strong and focused on trying to set a good example). I wonder if you do this if it may open his heart more so he can hear you, and see his own choices differently.

Then maybe you can work on your issues together, supporting one another rather than battling one another.

I've had my most intense breakthroughs with my daughter when I've fully admitted to my own failings, and apologized for them.

Being a parent is sooooooo hard. :(

Holding your hand.....:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[BanzaiBonnie]

2. I've been reading the Marshall Rosenberg, NVC books

I'm amazed at the material and the kind of tools it gives. I wish I'd read these years ago.

How are you feeling about the situation? Get ahold of that and then look at the situation through those glasses. Look at it as a project that the two of you can work on together.

We all know that you can't force anyone to do anything. The only tools most of us have are force or guilt. The books will give you tools. It will take some time, but the place to start is with yourself, which is what you already recognize.

And it's not about being perfect. It's about communicating to your son and making that heart connection. And I can tell you want that connection with him. I can feel the sadness when you talk about your current dilemma and I understand how much you love him.

Do you know how he feels about your "addictions" ? FL, this will be a win/win situation for you.

You care about him and are worried. But the more we try to force what WE want on someone else, the more they run. I read the two little books first and have not yet started on Respectful Parents ~ Respectful Kids.

It's such simple stuff, but it's not easy stuff. I've been watching the lives of some of the people I know who use NVC and they are so happy, full of joy and have such a lovely outlook on life.

Hugs,
BB

[Cleita]

3. Sounds like he's depressed, but I'm not

comfortable making a diagnosis. See if you can get him evaluated for his mental health.

I hope you can work this out.

[get the red out]

10. Agree

Possible depression was my first thought as well. I can't diagnose someone but I have suffered from both depression and addiction personally. In the worst depression, when I was about 17-18, all I wanted was to feel better for a change, even if it were just a small amount of time. This led to addictions with me, trying to feel better then trying to just not feel or think.

[Ricochet21]

4. He is severely depressed

sees no hope and doesn't know how to get out of it
be gentle
love him
get him help

we've all been there
he and you will be ok

shhhhhhhhh


I am not a DR., IMHO, it can't come from you. You are too closely identified with all of it in his mind.
\
Mars/Pluto, exact today, that's a GREAT sign, it means you're doing something about it

[FirstLight]

5. god i love you guys

just had my 'welfare recertification meeting' this morning...ugh

yes i have told him i am working on it, and he has always nagged me about smoking, so he knows i try...

i have been reading Sacred Contracts by Carolyn myss and have started acknowledging my archetypes and the reasons i choose my vices, and my successes, too... (got to remember to acknowledge those as well!)

I started reading the NVC books, and i have to say it makes me feel so freaking guilty
I want to be a better momma, i don;t want to be the yeller like my dad was...but when i get tired i am just DONE and i act badly... i do wish i could find a support group or something to give me the outside help, but at the same time i am afraid someone will turn around and say i am 'abusing' my kids and get me in trouble...it's a double edged sword

i *do* need a break, from the stress of trying to find a job, from this dirty house i need to clean, from everything...

but i feel guilty if i take a nap, like i am hioding from my problems...and really, a nap is all i want...a good YEAR long NAP!!!

i'm crying again, gotta eat something and take a shower and get some applications out, doing something constructive is all i have left...

[laylah]

6. Dear FirstLight...

loving thoughts and prayers from me to you. :hug:

Jenn

[BanzaiBonnie]

11. I'm thrilled you're taking a nap

Naps are good.

[MorningGlow]

7. Aw honey

:hug:

Don't be so hard on yourself. (I know, I know--easy to tell someone else, yet we're always our own harshest critics.) I'm sure he knows you try. But talking about it, adult to adult, can't hurt.

The first impression I got was that he might not be suffering from an addiction, but instead is doing what teenagers do--hide from reality because the future/real life frightens them. When I was a teenager, I hid in my music and my fiction, and my parents were worried about me. But I grew out of it--or, rather, I learned to temper my "obsessions" and adjust them to fit into real life instead of letting them take the place of real life. That just comes naturally, with time.

So--what's he afraid of? If you talk to him about what he wants out of life--just asking him, without an agenda (to try to get him "to pick a future, make a plan", I mean), he just might tell you. Is there any time when it's just the two of you, and you can talk to him without the distraction or lure of the game?

[FirstLight]

8. ya, we have a lunch date this week

we'll be able to hang and chat then.... we still get along, joke around and such, it's not ALL bad...
but maybe it is me and today i feel so darn sad, like i'm screwing up, etc...lol...maybe it's just PMS

i know the escape thing& teenagerhood - i just worry that it is not something easily grown out of...especially the video gaming scene

anyway, i guess i can't fix it ALL in one day, right?Damn cappy overachiever critic that I am...

ohhhhh it's naptime, hit the 'reset button'

[SheilaT]

9. I think that to consider his

"addiction" to World of Warcraft as exactly equal to your addiction to cigarettes isn't accurate. But, if you present it that way to him, then yes, you have to clean up your act if you are telling him he has to clean up his.

If he is 18 years old he should be self-supporting, unless he's still in school. Once he graduates high school he needs to have a job and pay rent. Paying rent MUST come before anything else. Food would be second. After that, he can buy whatever he likes.

Here's the really tough question: does HE see you as a "fully functioning mommy 98% of the time"? If he does, then you can come down on him as hard as you need to. If he does not, well, then there's some work to be done.

[FirstLight]

12. how he sees me

no, he probably doesn't see me functioning, he sees my own depression and frustration at this damn unemployment and struggle :(

has he ever seen me doing 'well'..? that's another good question...I could sit here and tell you all the ways i thi8nk i failed as a mother. but he has always had support, caring and many things he did and didn't need from both myself and my parents...but then again, as a single mom in poverty...my parents still help ME alot...which probably doesn;t 'look good' either.

[SheilaT]

13. So I'm thinking that you can only

deal with him through the window of how he sees you. Does that make sense?

If you focus on his "addiction" he will have every right to come back to you about your "addictions". You need to make it about his being a responsible human being, just as you've been a responsible human being.

The fact that you are a single mother, or how or why you became a single mother is absolutely irrelevant. It's what happened. Meanwhile, the journey has brought you both to this point. No matter how terrible a mother you might have been, he needs to be taking responsibility for himself. There's always the possibility that the taking responsibility will mean a break with you. Hopefully not. Hopefully you will have already given him the example of self-sufficiency to inspire him. Now you just need to deal with giving him whatever tools he needs to be his own person.

If he really wants to spend his life just doing some computer gaming thing, fine, that's his choice. But you have absolutely no obligation to support him while he does that. He supports himself.

[Kind of Blue]

19. I have to agree with SheilatT here, FL.

We had a similar problem, but my step-son was depressed after his mom died - of course - but beyond angry with having to live with his dad and me. Jeez, Halo was all he wanted to do. Gosh, I remember one night when the cable went out during a game and he absolutely accused me of not paying the bill. Luckily a neighbor came by to check to see if our cable was out too. I can't even bring up the other more painful episodes. But high school was so tough for him and we couldn't get him into therapy. Et cetera...

After 5 years, we had to give him the choice of supporting himself alone, continuing with education and/or working but living with us. He chose out and is doing very well. At a certain point, we couldn't continue with excusing his behavior. There was nothing we could do to change the past, we tried and seemingly failed in the present, but there must have been something he learned from the experience that has made him self-sufficient.

As SheilaT says, taking responsibility did not mean a break from us. It took about 6months but he comes over and when we see each other at the store or something, it's time for huge crushing hugs as if I'm/we're long lost friends :)

[BlueIris]

14. Addiction is a serious health problem and I personally believe only medical intervention

can treat it. Twelve step program. Therapy. Nutritional counseling.

That being posted, I like Almond essence from Spirit in Nature--sometimes called the addiction essence. Not meant to replace a doctor's care (nothing can) or community support, but when you have no other options, I think it can help.

[FirstLight]

15. i'll look for it..

meanwhile i have the therapist, and i know how to do the nutrition thing..

I think the book i am working right now is a helpful tool, in dealing with looking at the patterns of your whole life and the archetypes you chose to deal with this time around.

and cleaning house always helps too for some reason! ;)

[BanzaiBonnie]

16. Carolyn Myss is amazing

I'm currently reading "Why People Don't Heal And How They Can" ... along with everything else I'm reading.

[FirstLight]

17. I can also tell

that yesterdday I was really depressed by having to go to a welfare appointment to do the recertification process for another year.

It kills me that i have been on assistance for much of my adult life, and that the last few years have been so exceptionally rough.

I know we have it good, we are *so* lucky in so many ways, but i think about how my life could have been so different had i made other choices when i was a teen...and i am *still* paying for it to this day... it sucks. I am intelligent and outgoing and have so much talent, I should have been getting scholarships and going to university, and i am just another statistic now...a 40 year old statistic!

so thank for the help guys and the love when i hit the valleys of experience
each day is a day we can make a new start
thank god/dess!
:grouphug:

[Why Syzygy]

18. Concentrate on this...

"I am intelligent and outgoing and have so much talent."

And nourish those positive feelings in your children. That will be enough.

[Callie McAllie]

20. Who's paying for his WOW subscription?

If you're paying that bill, stop. WOW is a privelege, not a right. :-)

And as for your addictions, the bottom line is that this is about him, not about you. He needs to clean up his act, finish school, get a job, whatever. Because you are the mommy and you say so.

(As I smoker myself, I can safely say that if you're going to wait until you clean up your own act to confront him about his, it will never happen. We all have the best of intentions, but quitting smoking is mighty difficult to do.)

My advice is easy to say, I know, and very tough to do. I've been there too, with my stepdaughter, although her issues were more worrisome than WOW. We were in therapy for years, and it didn't help. In the end, I told my husband "she goes or I go." And out she went. It was very hard, and took a toll on us that still rears its head from time to time, but it was the right thing to do. (As my son says, "Mom, Angie really jacked you up, didn't she?")

It took time, but eventually Angie figured out how to game the system enough to get her own house, pays her bills, even started going to college before she got pregnant. :banghead: She supports herself and her daughter, after a fashion. It is far from an ideal situation, but keeping her with us, trying to fix things for her, would not have made things better for anyone.

Good luck to you on all of this. Remember, this is about him, not you. None of us is perfect.