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Edited on Tue Jan-18-11 08:55 PM by NuttyFluffers
it is also emasculating (a cultural thing, but common to many cultures). women are often sold that their worth is in how they can present themselves to others. men are often sold that their worth is in how they can provide for others. it is a cultural burden, but no less real -- and patriarchal conceptions are not going to die overnight.
the military might be a good option for him -- however it does not ring true in my gut. dunno, it's an intuitive thing. but probably assisted by a revulsion of joining a military during illegal occupations and casual wasting of our country's greatest treasure, its promising new life.
gonna need to have the "i know you're unemployed, but you're still valued, autonomous, and will one day find good work -- till then just help around the house" talk. he's a legal adult, however he's also your baby (and will be forever). this means that you don't want him economically struggling, even though you are as well. thrust into higher rent payments just makes things harder; but how to keep the peace when this is the age where the strongest urge to leave the nest occurs?
i don't buy that the military builds direction, responsibility, and purpose -- i've seen too many who went in and cannot possibly be assessed that way. mostly it's a big socialist institution that covers almost all of life's expenses for the trade of being ordered around, especially into deadly situations. yeah, everyone can look responsible when the majority of their expenses are covered. but ask how many know how to budget their re-up bonuses and the like? the VA is awash with credit counselors and the like trying to fix young families screwing their life up with bad management -- and the military did nothing to prepare them for such things. it's good for people who are smart but just needed a swift kick in the pants and Uncle Sam to pay all their debts; for far too many others it's just another holding pattern with a socialist pact that covers most of life's expenses.
here's the honest parental assessment -- is your child smart enough for 4 yr or higher college? is he more vocational material? is there real frustrated talent untapped, or a confused mediocrity needing structure? no one likes to make such assessments (because they are needlessly value-laden), but career counselors can walk him through this self-evaluating process.
remember, he's still a scared boy trying to figure out what it means to be a man.
(have you tried giving terms like a roommate arrangement? expectations to clean up his dishes, take out his garbage, share the chores, etc.? has he lived with any roommates yet? the tension of self-imposed disgust might make him almost impossible to live with right now. a man without purpose or means is incredibly irritable. given semi-autonomy and responsibility, however small the sphere, often gives venue to expressing his competency. oh, btw, might i recommend not fixating on his 'man cave' however -- men often need a place of retreat to process emotions. less experience with the skill, again a cultural thing.)
EDIT: i can just imagine my mom's response if i said such a similar thing. Furious eyes, single trailing tear, followed by a "HOW DARE YOU! After all these years you tell me you cannot see how much I love you?..." trails into silence followed by a wracking sob, turn and stagger away as if mortally wounded. theatrical, yes, but honest. most men are aghast at the thought of making a woman cry, especially their mother. i assume a similar scene ensued at your home...
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