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I am not used to receiving such love, caring and guidance in my life, as you all have shown me these last few weeks. Words cannot begin to convey how deeply your caring words and loving energies have touched my very soul. :cry::cry::cry:
I never knew that people that have never met me could show me such unconditional love and caring. I have never felt that I really belonged anywhere in my life, never felt safe enough to let my guard down to share these sorrows with hardly anyone ever in my life. You have all made me feel as if someone actually could love me, and unconditionally. I have never had this before and am not sure how to deal with it. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
My birth and step/half families taught me that I was nothing unless I could find a "good" husband. I ended up married four times before age 28, six days, six weeks, six months and six years, convinced more with each 'marriage' that I was a complete failure in life.
My childhood was a brutal time, little love or affection and much physical abuse. I was molested and physically thrown around, beginning at age six months, until Mom finally divorced him at age six.
Mom remarried within a month of her divorce to a man I had met exactly once. He was verbally cruel and his ongoing inappropriate touching became so unbearable that I left the house at age 14.
I was always told, "He doesn't mean anything by it.", and quickly learned to allow men to do whatever they wanted to me and just keep my mouth shut if I wanted them to "love" me. The touching by my step-father continued up until two weeks before he was killed in 2004, on almost every visit to their house, with my mother still claiming he meant nothing by it.
When I was ten or eleven, I started reading about the Holocaust. The first book I read was "The Diary of Anne Frank". I then devoured every book the library had on it. My heart was so broken to know that there were others that suffered so much worse than me. I stood in the field beside the house most of one entire day and begged 'God' to allow me to carry some of the suffering for others, so they could find some small iota of comfort that I never seemed to find for myself.
I lived on the streets for several years, always working somewhere, sleeping in unlocked vehicles, on the floor of the 24 hr. laundromat restroom in town and sleeping with men I hoped would see that I was good enough and finally someone would "love" me. I managed to get an old car at age 19 and lived in that for a quite a few months, still always working, cleaning up for work in gas station restrooms. Becoming pregnant with my daughter at age twenty literally saved my life.
I started 'knowing' things when I was very young. I would get into trouble for asking questions about things I wasn't supposed to know. I dreamed of blood and squealing tires at age 16 and the next day I learned my dear grandfather had been hit by a car and killed the day before.
I would start feeling this horrible sickening 'unease' and someone close to me would die within a few days to a week. I never knew why I felt it when it happened, but finally learned that something would happen whenever that feeling came.
Since I was young there have been innumerable times when I would be drawn to complete strangers in public, or they to me, and they would start telling me deep hurts they carried. It happened so much that I became an almost total recluse for nearly an entire decade, in the 1980's. Still, strangers that needed me, for whatever comfort they needed, would end up at my door or find me whenever I ventured out to the store once a month or so.
It took me many years to learn that the sorrows that I was often feeling were not mine, but belonged to others. I finally realized it in 2004 when driving home past one rural beauty shop. I was suddenly overcome with soul racking sorrow and grief and wanted desperately to kill myself, as I turned the corner and continued toward my house the overwhelming feelings started to dissipate, though still extremely painful.
When I reached the house I told my then current boyfriend about what had happened and he stunned me by telling me that the night before a woman we knew, not very well but a small town knowing, had killed herself in her apartment behind that beauty shop.
No mental illness diagnosis has ever seemed to really 'fit' me, and I know now that much of the bi-polar/depression that I have felt has actually been the pain of others coming through me, as I had asked for so sincerely, yet naively, as a young girl. No wonder their pills never helped me much at all. Some of it is mine, I know, but much of it I have thought is mine, is not.
I have visited psychics a couple of times over the years and they claimed they got goose bumps from being near me. They say that there are many, many spirits lingering near me and the last one, 2004, even asked to be my teacher.
Family obligations, ( Mom's cancers, my daughter's two brutal rapes and my youngest sister's paranoid schizophrenia) have previously kept me from ever having the time to spend to seriously learn whatever the Universe wishes me to know and to do. Though I read about spiritual knowledge constantly for many years, reading has not been enough with no teacher to guide me. You have become my teachers and I am so grateful for you all. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
I am looking for a place to be, to have the care that I give actually mean something. So far, it seems, that no matter how much I give of myself, it has never been enough for those receiving it. I have been surrounded by 'psychic vampires' most of my life and that has brought me to this point. I value the lessons, but have grown beyond weary of late.
My heart and soul are opening up here with your beautiful loving souls. I don't know where this will take me, but I am ready to proceed on my path and your guidance is more valuable than I can ever begin to express in words. :cry:
May the Universe hold you all in it's loving arms and protect you. May your blessings be innumerable and your hearts find peace and contentment. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
Namaste, my dear, dear ones! And I thank you from the depths of my soul for all of your wisdom and kindnesses! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
Vicki
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