I kinda hit a wall this weekend..

[lildreamer316]

wherein I *really* lost my innate sense of hope and positivity.
I don't often get to that point; I think maybe three or four times, at most, in my entire life.
Part of it was probably hormone-related, but it kinda scared me.

I had a moment of wanting to give up entirely, and of not understanding why I'm here. I guess I sometimes just don't understand why it has to be such a struggle when I *do* try to let it not be.
Carrying the burden of being the hopeful one sometimes just feels to be too much.

I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting for it to get better. I'm tired of trying to make it better and it not really getting very far. I'm tired of worrying; so I try to let it all go, but I can't turn it off completely because there is so much going on. I'm practicing detachment,but it is a challenge some days and I have to constantly be on top of that, too.

It was so bad I couldn't even be grateful. I got angry. Now I feel guilty about that too.

I don't see much to look forward to at the moment. There's just a bunch of stuff to 'get through' and 'get past'. Waiting, waiting, waiting. No real creativity. Ideas I've had seem silly, or not complete, or outdated, or unworkable. I'm stuck inside the house; bills are piling up; "just a few more weeks and we can do what we want... or not..."; etc. etc.

With the SO..he's doing better, but my emotions are either all or nothing..love or anger. I spend a day angry at all that's happened; then I berate myself to let it go and look forward. The next day, I am thinking about how much I love him and how I want to be supportive.

I try to be appreciative of what I have, and I have a lot to be thankful for. But I've lost my joy and excitement about life and I miss it.

Do I have S.A.D.? Maybe..I go tan two days a week for light exposure, so I don't think so.
Am I depressed? Maybe, but I've never had a history of any such thing before. I'm a pretty stable person in general.

I don't know. Last year was basically emotional hell for me, and I think it's all coming home to roost now. I probably need to go to Al-Anon,but I haven't been able to get a babysitter to go yet. That may change this week.

I'm sorry for dumping like this, and I'm sorry for dropping the ball..but I'm just worn down emotionally. If you guys just give me a little bit to rest, I promise I'll pick up the ball again and catch back up. My well is just depleted, is all. I need to get this out.

Thanks for listening. Not fishing for reams of comforting replies. Just wanted to share in case anyone else was feeling this way too.

I do love you guys. Thanks for being there, in whatever way you are. I hope to be there for you more often than I have been as of late.

[OneGrassRoot]

1. lildreamer, I humbly suggest you release the part of you that feels you dropped the ball...

Seriously. :hug:

First of all, girlfriend, I identified with your first four paragraphs completely. COMPLETELY. I've been there the last few weeks myself.

I identified with what you wrote until you got to the part about feeling guilty. I don't feel guilty for how I feel. ;)

I've thought about giving up many times but -- for whatever reason -- it seems impossible. I mean physically impossible. It's like some friggin Energizer Bunny is inside this tired body and mind saying, "go, go, go...you can't give up now..."

You know I have tremendous compassion about the trials and tribulations you're enduring, and have endured for a while. But you are soooooo hard on yourself. Please, please, please be gentle with yourself.

Whatever you're feeling is OKAY. "carrying the burden of being the hopeful one" -- wow, there is so much there...so much there. :cry:

Bless you, bless you. You don't have to DO anything...not here. Just let yourself Be.

You are so loved.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[Ricochet21]

2. We're here so you CAN dump

That we all need now and then. I hope you'll get through this quickly and reach resolve soon. :loveya:

[lildreamer316]

7. ...

:loveya:

[lildreamer316]

9. Ahhh, OGR..

ya made me cry, woman :)
Thank you. I'm working on it. I feel better today than yesterday, etc.

When I say that I need to 'pick up the ball', I mean actively holding the light, so to speak. I'm not being a very good way-shower right now, is all. That is, after all, my job; and I don't think there is any time that can reasonably be taken from it because of the 'crisis' we are in (as a world) at the moment. I don't really think of it as a burden, exactly, but sometimes I wonder how I can exist in the same world as the people who believe everyone is always out to screw everyone else. I got ovewhelmed by that thinking last week or so..*I* didn't think that, but I was made acutely aware how much in the minority I am for not thinking that. It kinda lead to a downward spiral.

Anyway,
You are loved too. :hug: :loveya:

[OneGrassRoot]

11. I knew what you meant...

about holding the light. :hug:

I still feel you're too hard on yourself. I think during these extremely draining energetic times, not adding to the negativity can be just as beneficial to the collective. If we beat ourselves up about not adding to or holding the light, then we do spiral downward...as you said.

Maybe just allowing ourselves to be neutral ~ in all ways ~ during these draining, challenging times would be the most graceful path...

:loveya:

[BlueIris]

3. Al-Anon sounds like a good idea.

And a therapist, when money allows. Or a crisis line, if needs be.

I feel you on the being dried out part, though.

[lildreamer316]

10. I'm definitely working on that.

I believe I may be able to go this week.

[Sanity Claws]

4. I feel the same way

It hit me Friday afternoon and continues to hit me in waves. I also feel bone-tired, drained, wrung out.

[OneGrassRoot]

5. ....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[Shallah Kali]

6. I am have been in that spot for a while

I feel like if one more thing happens I won't be able to cope because there are no reserves left. I haven't felt like this in a long time and somehow I came out of that so I figure I will just hang on until it gets better and make myself do what needs getting done including taking care of myself whether I want to or not until then.

Please do find ways to care for yourself going to al-anon, eating regularly (my own bugaboo) etc.

[OneGrassRoot]

8. ....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Proud_Lefty]

12. Sorry to hear about your frustration

It's a constant struggle to remain strong, but what's the alternative? Funny how often I have the exact same thoughts that you have, but when I give in to my anger and irritability, I feel awful. When I look past all the crap, towards what I really want, I feel so much better. We have so many strong energies knocking us down, wiping us out, but if we understand to trust those energies, they can also carry us through. And that's what's happening with us these days. It's knocking us down, but carrying us through and empowering us in the process. Very strange indeed.

It will keep getting better for you and when you have the challenges hitting you from every direction, just notice how much help you're actually getting from "somewhere" making it so much more bearable. That's when the light keeps shining brighter and the huddles become smaller and easier to bypass.

Much love and light for better days ahead.

:hug:

[MagickMuffin]

13. I understand exactly what you are going through

Yesterday I was able to talk with the Master of my Lodge. He has been a blessing to me and continues to offer his assistance to me. I don't really like bogging him down with my troubles, but as Rosicrucains that is part of why we are in the Order.

I decided to learn to be more positive and grateful for all I have and to offer my assistance whenever needed. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Light a candle just for yourself and don't feel bad about not sharing it with anyone else, because even by lighting it just for yourself, the light reflected out into the Cosmic will radiate out into the whole Universe.


:hug: Take Care My Friend, and remember it's okay to send yourself Love & Light :hi:

[Mnemosyne]

14. lildreamer, I hear you.

:hug::hug::hug:

[LiberalEsto]

15. I'm in a bad place too, lildreamer

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.:hug: I hope things start looking up for you.

Somehow the news about the proposed budget, and all the new attacks on abortion rights, and my continued joblessness ... it hit like a falling boulder today. Everything seems so pointless.

Some of it is physical. My tree pollen allergies started a few weeks ago. Despite using a nasal spray and inhaler twice a day to prevent asthma attacks, I feel lousy. The pollen affects my skin. It feels like tiny ice needles everywhere my skin is exposed. Yesterday there was a lot of wind and high barometric pressure, which makes my vertigo kick in, so I'm dizzy and disoriented. It's hard to move or turn or bend over. Ginger tea helps a bit.

Also, I'm turning 59 in a few weeks, and I feel useless and worthless.