My Uranus experience

[FirstLight]

So last weekend my teen finally unleashed again and left, didn't come back. He's couch surfing with the girlfriend and best friend, and supposedly finding a place with a couple other friends... my mother got involved as usual and is probably going to be the one to take over his enabling...
she is going to pay for his apartment or move him into the family cabin, rent free.
I wiped my hands of them both, and lovingly am standing my ground.

Friday, we made arrangements (through my mom, since he is still not speaking to me) for him to come to the house and I would go to work and let him pack up his stuff. again, as usual, he did a half assed job and left a mess in his room, and only put 4 boxes in the garage.

so i took it upon myself to clean up his stuff yesterday, box it up and make the space in the garage. That way I can clean and paint before i move into that room...got a lot of energy to clear as well, believe me!
In the end, it's for the best, and i was respectful and actually did him a favor by putting his stuff in boxes and organizing it.(not to mention cleaning his funk off the floors, which i am sure he would not want his grandma to see, lol)
and i have managed to not be so emotional about the whole thing, just let it be about his next step, recognizing it's a natural transition for a youth to leave the roost...

but what got me, was this
I was picking up his socks and jeans and putting them in the hamper
and i flashed back on the time my husband left me at 22
when i was 8 mos pregnent with this same child
and i had to do the SAME thing, pick up his dirty clothes and clean up his mess and get it into the garage
wow, wow, wow
what kind of fucked up karma is that?
what kind of weird deja vu moment !
That's when i cried
this boy/man who says 'i never wanted him to begin with' has no idea how much it killed my spirit to have my world crumble around me while i held my belly and cried my soul out
wow, makes me so sad that he hates me so much right now

but it's not personal, it's life, and eventually there will be a time of reconciliation
meanwhile, the lessons keep on coming

[BlueIris]

1. ((( FirstLight ))) nt

[Flying Dream Blues]

2. I also just want to offer

a big hug. I do feel the clarity in what you are doing; I know it must be difficult, and also a relief. The relief part may be in easing your suffering day to day with what has been going on, but also in knowing you have done the right thing in letting him find his way. Sometimes being a parent is so hard. But I feel the love, and the loving sacrifice, in every word you have written. May your reconciliation come sooner and be sweeter than you have even visualized.

:hug: :hug:

:grouphug:

[OneGrassRoot]

3. ...

I can't even imagine the totality of the experience you speak of, from the time of your pregnancy with him until now, and all the emotions that go along with it.

I admire you, FL. On some level, I know your son does as well. I definitely feel "this too shall pass," and offer unconditional support as you do what you must right now...for all concerned.

Blessings to you all...:grouphug:

[Delphinus]

4. {{{hugs}}}

Light and loving energies your way, FirstLight. :hug:

What a time.

[LiberalEsto]

5. I'm so sorry for your pain, FL

There are so many parenting books that go from before birth through the teen years. But parenting your kids after age 21 is uncharted territory.

I have a 24 year old and a 27 year old who have given me pain too. How I wish I knew what I could do, if anything.

:hug:

[elleng]

6. WE PARENTS have to stand together,

at least holding hands and keeping thoughts in our hearts.

[LiberalEsto]

7. True, elleng

I keep telling myself, someday they'll grow up. Someday they'll grow up. Just what I used to tell myself during the teenage years.

:grouphug:

[elleng]

9. LibEst, teenage years a cinch compared with this, imo!

:grouphug:

[MorningGlow]

8. YOU

are one of the strongest people I know. Bar none. :hug:

What you have gone through in your life...I can't even imagine... Your strength glows around you as you find lessons and growth for yourself amid your son's chaotic (for now) growth. May you stay strong and find your peace during this stressful time. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[FirstLight]

10. awww...thanks guys

:grouphug:

you know, i laid down after writing this and thought i'd take a quick nap before showering and cleaning the rest of the house...
passed out for 3 hours!
guess i was more wrung out than i thought...
physical symptoms, anyone?
headache, check
sleep patterns scrwewd up, check
wow, these planets and this life sure are charged up right now!

thanks for the love, it helps :)

[MorningGlow]

12. Would you care for a raging case of (likely) food poisoning with that?

That was how I spent my night last night--communing with the bathroom. :puke:

...I got better.

[lildreamer316]

11. ....

(( :hug: )) :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya:

[Sweet Freedom]

13. (((Firstlight)))

Yes, when your son grows up, he may have a complete change of heart. Many years are ahead of him, so perhaps in time, the two of you will reconnect.

Sometimes you have to let them go and let them lie in their own mess before they see the light.

:hug:

[FirstLight]

14. UPDATE - almost 2 weeks later...

So my mom and her enabling are out of control now. It's like watching an addiction take hold of her.
Trev stayed on his friend's couch and mostly at his girlfriends, till last week.

At first, he and his friend and the friend's GF were gonna get a 2 bedroom, my mom was willing to pay Trev's portion.
But then she decided to take matters into her own hands - freaked out about the couchsurfing, she paid a guy with a backhoe $150 an hour to dig out the family cabin...(called me at 8am to ask me if i could help her find someone to do it, and commented that my dad and sister are not compassionate at all - of course, cuz they know she's acting crazy)

Not only did she move trev in, but she also moved in the friend and girlfriend as well.
no rental agreement, no deposit... just a verbal that they will take care of utilities and not have any parties.
three 18 yr olds? AYFKM?
and she bought them groceries and made sure they had firewood...

So today, she decided to come up and get my dad's and her stuff out of the closets and such. again playing martyr because she has to deal with my dad's 'junk'
she called me and wanted to come over to pick up trev's bathroom stuff and his clothes hamper. and she was wanting to get into his dresser, she's afraid he doesn;t have enough underwear! sheesh!
to top it off, she was going to take his dirty clothes over to her house and wash them for him. cuz the washer's broken in the cabin.
uh- mom- it's called a laundrymat :shrug: He should be able to wash his own clothes for crissakes!

i have been biting my tongue, but the dysfunction just has me going :wow:

and no, my son is still not speaking to me, and he's getting rewarded for his bad behavior!

on the upside, my room is painted and awesome
and the kids and me have a whole different energy in the house now, much nicer....

[murielm99]

15. It sounds like you are doing better.

Good for you.

Do you think your mom will get tired of being a doormat?

[FirstLight]

16. hard to say

The pattern of martyr/victim/rescuer is very deeply ingrained in her...i am not sure if she would know how to break that contract with herself. sometimes, people are just creatures of their patterns.
It has been a useful tool and mirror for myself and even the little ones, because they ask questions like why is nana being so mean to you and helping trevor when he said bad things? and all i can say is the same thing - they have their own issues between them, and all we can do is learn how to act differently by watching ...

meanwhile, i am busy with work and redecorating, trying to get my house chaos (laundry, ack!) under control. just the routine of dinner and bath and bed seems like a marathon some days...and this SNOW that won't stop is not helping! We all have cabin fever to some extent, all the better reason for our 'spring cleaning'

thanks for the support :hug: