I think I'm letting my paranoia get the best of me.

[woodsprite]

Any calming thoughts would be much appreciated. I'm kinda worried with all the planetary changes that are happening right around my 5yr anniversary of my cancer surgery (which will be tomorrow). I didn't realize how much it was really affecting me and how I have been careful to not even put a voice to it until this morning - like I'm afraid I'll jinx myself. Coming to work in the car with hubby I just teared up when I reminded him that tomorrow is the big 5 yr cure date. For the most part over the years, I've been taking one day at a time. Other than my knees hurting (arthritis) and having to lose weight, I'm thankful that I've been in fairly good health. It's just that it seems that I'm hyper-aware of everything right now. Twinge in my neck - is it a lymph node? Pinch in my abdomen - is it something they missed? Headache - is it sinus or something else? I'm driving myself a bit crazy right now, and I'm trying hard not to be cranky with hubby and my 2 kids. Of course, this all also falls a week and a day before my 48th birthday too.

I'm just trying to chalk it all up to paranoia that will eventually pass. Then, thinking that some of these configurations are going to be around for quite awhile, has me wondering where we'll all end up. I'm definitely not feeling that I'm in a good place right now. :(

[mysticalchick]

1. Unacknowledged fear is what trips you up

Okay to acknowledge it and let it out. Doesn't mean you give the fear energy - just a voice.

Take a breath and you'll be okay.

Wishing you the best for the coming days.

[get the red out]

6. Agree - it's just a voice

That very irritating "everything HAS to go wrong and here's why" voice. I have had the company of that for my entire life, though it finally takes up a little space in my idea of reality.

Best wishes for your life, the voice is a whisper, not reality.

[MorningGlow]

2. Completely understandable, Woodsprite

I agree with MC about acknowledging it and then letting it go. Sending you calming light for a peaceful "anniversary". When did you get the word that you were cancer free? I hope you celebrate that anniversary every year! :hug:

[woodsprite]

8. When I had the surgery, I had a very good surgeon who

took everything in one piece with ample margins. All margins tested clean, as well as lymph nodes and fluid. It was, however, a higher stage then they expected (a IIA instead of a I). It might have well been worse if I hadn't listened to my mother and grandmother when they visited in my dreams. I went to the doctor the next day and insisted on a biopsy, which wasn't normal procedure, and they found it. I was given a choice of 28 radiation treatments or watch and wait after surgery. I chose the watch and wait, which is probably why I have these bouts of 'cancer head'.

I've made it through the surgical menopause, the achy joints and hot flashes but am about 15 pounds heavier, so I really need to do something about that since I was already heavy when all this started. Maybe my next 48 years, I'll live as a thinner person. ;)

[I Have A Dream]

3. I can only imagine how you're feeling, woodsprite.

:(

I am asking for the Universe to allow you to have clarity in reference to the situation so that you're able to get your feelings in line with the reality of the situation. (This or something better for the highest good of all involved.)

Much love and light to you. :hug:

[Mnemosyne]

4. FirstLight, no words, but can offer -

:hug::loveya::grouphug:

[Kookaburra]

5. Woodsprite, you have to feel what you feel

Denying it only brings it back in a nastier form. Like the others have said: acknowledge your fears then release them.

Sending you love and light and asking your angels to surround you with love and protection.

:hug:

[northernlights]

7. woodsprite, I agree with the others

Honour your fear, comfort it, validate it, and then you can let it go. It's feelings that are suppressed and hidden that cause problems...

:grouphug:

[woodsprite]

9. I saw something on TV tonight.

It was one of those reality programs, but the people wrote their fears down on pieces of paper and burnt them. I want to do that tomorrow morning. Maybe my husband will join me since he's been going through the same watch and wait as I have with every appointment for the past 5 yrs.

Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement. I feel I can share things here that I can't with some others in my life since they are so judgmental about everything, including what I should be feeling. Just writing the words helped. I haven't allowed myself to put a voice to those words until today.

[BrendaBrick]

10. Sometimes we 'should' all over ourselves...

Hi Woodsprite,

Something you wrote really stood out for me:

"I feel I can share things here that I can't with some others in my life since they are so judgmental about everything, including what I should be feeling. Just writing the words helped. I haven't allowed myself to put a voice to those words until today".

I struggle with this same sort of thing too. Sometimes just 'getting it out there' and not having to worry about being judged is half the battle right there! I'm glad you found some well needed relief.

Here's something which helps me and well, since you mentioned the 'should' word - maybe you too:

The Five Freedoms

The FREEDOM to see and hear what is here, instead of what should be, was, or will be.

The FREEDOM to say what you feel and think, instead of what you should.

The FREEDOM to feel what you feel, instead of what you ought.

The FREEDOM to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.

The FREEDOM to take risks in your own behalf, instead of choosing to be only "secure" and not rocking the boat.

That's from Virginia Satir (1916-1988)

(My big hang up seems to be the 'waiting for permission' part ~)

Hope you're feeling better today!