So i have this little issue...

[FirstLight]

A former BF who is now a friend has gone and gotten married very unexpectedly while at Burning Man...not a joke, a real legal marriage to the girl he's been seeing since march and lived with since june...

I am having trouble swallowing it. and I just don't feel like everyone else, showering him with congratulations.

not because i still want him, or even think we'd do well together. part of it is that even as recently as 2 weeks ago, he rented a new place for himself and was excited to make it his own. and he was hinting that the relationship may not be going all that well, but I just left it alone and didn't delve deeper into it, because I don't know her and it's not my place because as a friend i just prefer to steer clear of his knack for being a 'relationship-retard' (his term, not mine, though it truly fits)nor do i want to be the one who plays devils advocate and tells someone what to do....
So now she's moving in with him in his new place, and even though she just lost her job, they are happy as larks.

but the part of me that wants to question his decision is really strong, like a bad taste in my mouth. and I wonder if I will be able to have a 'normal' friendship with him with this sticking in my throat.Probably not, since he's married now i bet our 'catch-up' social lunches will be nixed.
It's like that section on SNL when seth and amy used to do "really?" that's how i feel! :rofl:


I am not really asking what to do, just needing to get it out *somewhere* you know?
Is it something with the freaking planets that is making people crazy?

[Why Syzygy]

1. It's

It is those doggone dynamics! They just will not stay put. ;) It's your growth happening.

[WhiteTara]

2. I have two words of advice

MOVE ON.

FirstLight, if you don't make space for the new, all you can have is rehashed old.
Here's a meditation. Sit and hold your hands open and feel the openness. That's all. No waiting, no wanting, no needing, no holding. Just open.

Allow your old boyfriend to become intimate with your past. Let him live there while you live in your present. :hug: You are strong. Let your light shine and move on.

[FirstLight]

3. oh, totally!

like I said, it's just weird not being happy for someone...I think there's a lot of impulsivity going on right now, and I am just NOT the kind of person to applaud stupidity. regardless of past or not.

so yes, I knew he wasn;t for me... but this is even MORE clear...i want someone who has the same vision as i do. that's it. no stretching, no changing, just the same vision of wanting to build something ELSE.

so ya, it's coming for me, soon, i know it. ;)

[WhiteTara]

4. Only if you don't look back.

That was what that pillar of salt story was about. You will always be there if you don't move on. I knew a woman who spoke of her ex of 30 years as though it was yesterday, even though the partner had remarried and died! I always thought that was sad. You have way too much going; be open. It will all come. Spend this time loving you and not worrying whether he made a mistake, because why should you really care? He moved on, and it's your turn.

I hope I don't sound mean or terrible, but I know you have every chance to be happy if you look toward your future and not your past. All the while living in the present. Namaste :hug:

edited for grammer.

[Avalux]

5. Tell me if I'm off base, but -

even if you don't 'want' him anymore; are you reacting to his marriage by perhaps realizing your friendship with him will change and you may not be part of his life any longer?

It's ok to feel that way, but it's his life and it may be a mistake he needs to make. Try to move on. What will be hard....if it falls apart and he wants to cry on your shoulder. :hug:

[FirstLight]

6. that's probably part of it

and i have been his shoulder before...don;t really want to be again.

that's why the big MOVE ON stuff is popping up, i am sure.

...and like I say, it is a big indicator that what I want will be what *I WANT* not someone I hope will eventually figure it out.and I am grateful for this guy teaching me that I shouldn't have to 'convince' someone i am a good catch...

I choose to have a relationship that looks different, from my past, from other's expectations...
and I know I will be ready sooner than I think ;)

[Avalux]

7. Yes, sooner than you think!

Just as I have come to the same realization...there's no convincing someone, or waiting around hoping they'll come around.

KNOW what you want, CHOOSE what you want, and it will happen. You're on your way. :toast:

[GliderGuider]

8. I suspect it's not about the planets, or him.

The discomfort seems to be trying to speak to you.

It's growing season again...

[FirstLight]

9. :)

indeed...

and I know i am growing out of an entire phase of life that has been the past three years...or more ...

[get the red out]

10. I understand what you are feeling

The characters and motives for change were different, but I experienced something similar about a decade ago. My closest female friend, and then room-mate, got talked into moving back to Tennessee to be with her "family" by her father. Everyone we knew but me and one other person thought that was the greatest decision ever. I seriously questioned it, though I tried to keep my mouth shut. People figured I just didn't want my good friend to go away since I am so shy, (which was true, I don't make close female friends easily); but I just KNEW that what she was doing wasn't the best possible thing for her and that there would be problems. My guess proved true, there were problems and when I've talked to her over the years she has at times felt quite isolated, especially after her Dad's death. Bless her, maybe it was a path she had to take, though it never felt like the very best one to me. Maybe on some level she choose the more painful path, Karma or guilt or something; nothing to be done about it from my end.

Don't dismiss your gut reaction, it might be exactly on the money, in fact I'd bet it is; but his reasons for choosing this path may not become visible for a long time, or never. It might be a painful path for him too. I kind of HATE IT when I KNOW something and the outcome isn't going to be great, but there's nothing to be done.

[FirstLight]

11. thanks, i needed that

It's not often that i have these reactions to people's news, but it really just stuck with me for a day or so, making me go :wtf:

i don;t pretend to know another's contracts or destinies... but ya, it's not fun to watch either.