Dealing with grief/loss

[NMDemDist2]

First of all, thanks for all your kind wishes and congratulations on my 14 years of sobriety yesterday. It was really great getting all those cyber hugs! :grouphug:

but today I am dealing with loss and want to share my experience, both as a cathartic and in hopes it may help some one else

Today I am dealing with three losses
a) My dear friend and ex lover who I found out yesterday passed over last Friday
b) the loss of alcohol
c) the loss of my business/store

First let us start with my dear friend/star brother. He was only 63 and died while doing what he loved the most, kayaking a white water river. as best they can figure he had a small stroke, lost control of his kayak and drowned. He and I had a connection from the first time we ever spoke. our relationship was close in so many ways in spite of us never getting married. we lived together for several years and I left him in my early sobriety, something we both regretted at times over the years for "what might have been" After the breakup we stayed close and I am grateful he spent several weeks at my house last year before moving to Hawaii

Second, alcohol. In spite of my joy and gratefulness at my years of successful recovery, no alcoholic really ever fully recovers from the siren song of the quick fix alcohol gave us for the many years. Intellectually I understand, emotionally is another matter

Finally, my business. Yesterday was the last shift I am working at the store. It will close permanently on 3-17-06 and my dear husband is doing the final few days to shut down.

so as you can see, I am dealing with a triple whammy of loss today. How? firstly I name it. Just naming the emotion begins to take the power out of it. I recognize and respect the fact I am grieving. I give myself permission to be sad and angry and frustrated and to weep :cry:

I remember the good times and don't beat myself up over the failures. I feel the feelings, good and bad. I honor and nurture my need to heal. I pray. I thank my guides and angels for their support. I tease my friend on the other side about his adamant belief in life that there is no "other side" and I know he gets it now that he's actually there cuz I can feel his presence :rofl:

so the bottom line? I'm OK and I'm grateful to have the tools, the faith and the emotional clarity to live my human experience in all it's permutations. Grief and loss, joy and celebration, they are the same coin and each would be poorer without the other.

thanks for reading this far if you did and blessings to all of us as we inhabit this world in all it's bittersweet beauty and awesome glory. Give yourself permission to be human, to be frail, to accept help and to have the strength to be ALL that you are!

[oxbow]

1. I honor your courage in the face of all this

You have taught me so much by your willingness to accept your humanness and the emotions that you are feeling. That is something I am learning after a long exile from that part of me.

Fear of our own death is something that often arises in such circumstances, as well as a sense of injustice at what God has thrown in our way. Even as you are feeling these things, remember that they are not you, just responses from the ego. In truth, there is no death, there is no loss. There is only change, and Divine Will pushing change forward. Accept that "even this shall pass" and treat it as an opportunity, if you can. An opportunity for personal growth, for new beginnings, for finding inner peace.

I'm praying that you may FEEL the love that conquers fear of death, and separate the truth from false and misleading thoughts that come your way at this time. Remember that you are a spiritual being having this human experience, and show compassion for the part of you that fears and grieves.
May our love be a halo and a comforter around you at this time AZDem...



"We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion." :grouphug:

[NMDemDist2]

2. exactly! my friend's passing is only a change for HIM and my feeling

of loss is my egocentric missing him and regrets of what might have been. I am long past fear of death and crushing grief for the one who has passed. but I am realistic about my selfish missing them. cuz it is selfish but oh! so human you know?

thanks oxbow! :hug:

[Shine]

3. You are dealing with a lot right now, but you are a wise soul.

:hug:

It takes Courage to grieve and to let go.

Like you said, life is full of both the sweet and the bitter.

Our sacred task is to be as fully present as we can be with whatever comes up.

My best good wishes to you. :hi:

[NMDemDist2]

4. thanks Shine

I really am already alright, but it did me good to talk to another DUer on the phone today and to write it all out in here.

there will be moments that reoccur, no doubt, but i'll have this thread to remind me what to do :bounce:

[DemExpat]

5. So sorry to hear of your triple load here, hon,

but you say it so well here that I know you understand and know what it is all about.

I remember the good times and don't beat myself up over the failures. I feel the feelings, good and bad. I honor and nurture my need to heal. I pray. I thank my guides and angels for their support. I tease my friend on the other side about his adamant belief in life that there is no "other side" and I know he gets it now that he's actually there cuz I can feel his presence

I think it is fine to grieve for cherished people/pets/times of life that have moved on, for even as we are aware that we are spirit temporarily in body, life is to be lived IMO, and that is inescapably joy and pain. Besides, I love and delight in some people and animals so intensely, it is painful to have the bond in physicality and earth-time end! :cry:

Hugs to you, my strong and savvy friend.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[NMDemDist2]

6. indeed

thanks DemEx. i would be less than awake if I didn't recognize the reality of what's going on right now.

having done that way to many times and having had the grief come out "sideways" in some usually destructive way I am grateful for the gifts today and grateful for the love I've been given, the joys and the sorrows and the tools to keep on trucking in a reasonably healthy way

and heck, there are even some minutes of the day I FEEL strong and savvy :rofl:

[Desertrose]

7. Wow, AzDem....

lotsa changes...which I've always found entails a certain amount of grieving.....

I am headed out to walk on the rocks and will say a little prayer & send a hug your way....you've pretty much said it all in your wise & loving way....
:loveya::hug:

bummer about the biz.....sigh...

and the sweet brother friend..yeah I see a bit of a sheepish grin about him...like "yeah, you WERE right - doggone it!" LOL

:loveya:
DR

[NMDemDist2]

9. hey if life wasn't changing we'd be dead huh? it's sad but it's

a new beginning once again to recreate myself and our life

thanks for the prayer among the red rock and now that i'm not tied to the biz 24/7 maybe we can do lunch finally?

thanks again DR :hug:

[Ecumenist]

8. AZ, I am so sorry to hear about your friend...

I sent you a PM. God bless you, you provided a lot of strength, well beyond what you were aware of. thank God for people like you, who undergo trial come through and provide a wonderful beacon for nameless and faceless others who lurk and gain the knowledge that they can undergo their own struggles with alcohol,drugs and other daemons. God bless you AZ. I'll light a candle for you tonight, I promise.

[NMDemDist2]

10. thanks Ecumenist, he went the way he wanted to go (albeit maybe

a little sooner than expected)

you're very kind and thanks again! :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

11. I'm sorry that so much is being thrown at you at one time, AZDem.

I'm glad that you are allowing yourself to feel and fully experience what you're going through because to not do this would mean that you'd be dealing with it later somewhere down the line. Please take care of yourself and know that we'll be here for you if you need some support to fully get through it all.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

14. thanks Dream I really really am doing OK

truly!

it comes in waves and that's ok too you know?

[Metta]

12. Great attitude.

You've got it covered between you and the outer world. Do you do any meditations/ visualizations to resolve the loss? I've been working with gentle golden flame followed by gentle purple flame. Let me know if you want some specifics.

[NMDemDist2]

15. i am woefully bad at the whole "visualization" thing

DH is great at it. I just "feel" (or perhaps "know") stuff :shrug:

[Metta]

17. That being said, if you just follow along as you read it, you'll benefit.

It's yours to use or not. :)

[NMDemDist2]

18. is it the one in the other thread of Ecumenist's? it really did sound like

a powerful tool

thanks!

[Metta]

19. Yeah, it's great stuff.

I've had lots of success with it and so have several other folks I've passed it along to. I don't know if it matters if you do the imagery with each of the aspects of your loss, separately, in groups or all at once. Any decision you make will get you results. Off hand, I'd suggest beginning with just one aspect and getting a feel for how things go.

If you do get to the point where the vibes between you and your suffering settle way down or cease, let me know and I'll give you a follow exercise to help you be even more done with it all.

[NMDemDist2]

20. i'm really pretty serene right now. yesterday was rough but after a

good sleep session and some work today I'm good! it's not like I haven't been working on the business loss for the last couple months and the booze has been 14 YEARS! and my brother/lover is OK I know

maybe i'll give it a try just to say so long/til we meet again to him. but when I had a few quiet moments after I got the news I "knew" what I needed to tell his daughter and once I passed along that message it's been really OK

he's at peace and so am I :bounce:

I'll still follow up with her and make sure she has what she needs but I really feel he's OK now. And it explains why he was "banging" at me for the days between when he died and when I found out.

[Metta]

22. Thanks for the update.

It's good you followed your intuition and took care of things. A positive outcome is always a good sign. Now you all can rest awhile. :thumbsup:

[LiberalEsto]

13. Here's a hug

:hug:

and remember that none of this is your fault -- it's just stuff that happened. Let's hope there is something good about to happen for you.

[NMDemDist2]

16. hugs are always appreciated

and I know it's not me, just my turn in the barrel so to speak. Life just happens you know?

[japple]

21. Hey, AZDem. Thank you for sharing your stories and

your feelings with us. They help us to grow and learn. I am sorry your friend had to leave earth so suddenly, but isn't it nice that he fulfilled his soul contract! :hug: :hug: :hug:

[NMDemDist2]

23. thanks japple! it really is amazing now my feeling of loss has

diminshed once I gave his daughter some information that just "came to me" (hehehhe)