What does this sound like to you...?

[bliss_eternal]

I did a job for a friend (edited and proofread their dissertation). This guy has really been dragging his feet about finishing this thing. Now his back is against the wall as he is on a deadline to get the thing done, or have to start all over again.

He contacted me a couple of weeks ago asking if I could help him again. I thought he had re-written something that he needed me to proof. So I said no problem...I was wrong. He hasn't rewritten anything--he needs to re-write a couple of areas. This is what his advisor has asked him to do.

In the time it took him to contact me, try to meet with me, and eventually get a copy of his work to me he could have finished the thing. :eyes:

Instead he is making me somehow a necessary part of this final process...:shrug: Which I really am not. It's not my job--he seems to be trying to make it my job, which I really don't get.

I told my husband, that I suspected this guy is merely procrastinating...and feeling rather apprehensive (and fearful) about the final part of the process. Which was confirmed when I spoke with him today and I asked what exactly he wants from me.

He said he would like me to go through his work, see if I see any emerging themes, or if there are any areas that he could use in his conclusion. To me, it sounds like he is asking me to do his work for him and I don't think that is cool... It's a dissertation, not a book or play I'm going to get a writing credit for. This is work HE'S being graded for and I don't think what he's asking me to do is appropriate (or necessary--) He's already written the paper. His advisor said everything he needs is right there. I'm actually kind of surprised he's asking me such a thing. I've never known this person to be unethical at all. But they are pretty stressed out right now and maybe don't get that what they are asking is indeed unethical.

When I spoke to him this afternoon, I mentioned something his advisor had already told him. I reiterated it as a possible starting point for his work. I tried telling him that I could only talk to them today and wouldn't be available any more this week so they would get the hint that they needed to get moving and handle their business, before their deadline expires.

What does he do? Asks for my e-mail address as a way we could do this... :wtf: Do YOUR WORK! Geez...

I kind of resent that they've made their process dependent on me in any way--as this is NOT my project. Hello?! I didn't sign up for a masters. lol. Editing is one thing, but looking for patterns, themes, etc. sounds a lot like thinking and analysis they need to do!

Anyway, I'm asking for feedback here. Does it sound like this person is asking me to THINK for them and do work they need to do? If so, how would you deal with this?

[lady lib]

1. I think you've already answered your question:

"Editing is one thing, but looking for patterns, themes, etc. sounds a lot like thinking and analysis they need to do!"

Or you could say something along the lines of, "I'll do a final edit for spelling, punctuation, and grammar before you hand in your final draft, but I don't feel comfortable doing anything beyond that."

I would guess that he is going to have to present his research and defend it in front of his doctoral committee, right? If he can't figure out what the important patterns and themes are, how is he going to defend his work in front of a group of professors? He needs to put some more thought into this. You're doing him a favor by making him mentally process his own research.

[bliss_eternal]

4. OMG--you're right!

He *does* have to present his research and defend it. Which makes it even more mind boggling as to why he's trying to get me to process this for him. :shrug: :crazy: :eyes: It's HIS work--he's done the research and written it!

I am absolutely at a loss to what in the world he is thinking, in trying to get me to *help* with this (his words):eyes:

I REALLY appreciate your feedback on this, lady lib! You're absolutely right. My gut instinct has been right with this all along. There's no way I can help with this.

I just never would have expected such from this person AT ALL.

Why even pursue this sort of work if you don't have some idea of what it is you want to defend, argue, etc.?

[lady lib]

5. I once had a little experience with editing for a friend.

This friend comes from another country, and he was writing a lengthy article with information that he had researched over many years of visiting the U.S. English is his third language so he asked me and several others to help him out with the grammar. I did an extensive rewrite of his preliminary draft and he kept quite a bit of what I did in the final copy. Well, the article was published in a well-known journal and it included a note of appreciation for the assistance of certain people. My name wasn't on the list. When I asked him about the omission he said he only included the names of people who gave him material/information for the article. So...grrr...the hours that I spent turning his English-as-a-third language gobbledygook into readable prose went unacknowledged.

Now get this.

He won a prestigious award for the article. You would think that he would have wanted to take this second opportunity to right the wrong. You would think. But again, nothing.

It gets even better.

The next time he came to the U.S. to do more research for his next article, we had him stay with us for a couple of days as we always do. He had the nerve to hand me the rough draft of his latest project and ask me for my opinion and any assistance I could give with the writing.

All I'll can say is...
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice uh...you can't get fooled again. :)
No, I was polite, but I didn't help him. And, yes, we're still friends.

[ebayfool]

9. Could he be afraid (a little) of actually succeeding & having to move from

his well-known, safe world in academia to the more unknown (therefore more scary & insecure) world of a graduate? Sometimes it's frightening to be well & done w/the familiar, so people will self-sabotage to keep from facing it. I'm not a grad of anything, but it seems that graduation after so many years would rank on the 'scare/stress scale' as much as marriage, divorce, death, moving to a new home, etc.

Whatever his reasons, you're right to put your foot down. Unless he's willing to pass on to you that sweet degree w/it's future earning potential! LOL!

Good to see you about, bliss.

[bliss_eternal]

14. Hi dj--

:hi: good to see you, too!

It's funny--he's already working in his field, already took part in his graduation ceremonies and everything. He felt kind of fraudulent afterward, because he knew he wasn't really "done."

There could be some similiar issues at play for him, though--I'm sure. It's good you mentioned them, as I suppose it's important to consider he's in a transitional period, so that is a big part of why he's acting so wiggy. LOL. And probably isn't even aware that he's asking me to do things he shouldn't be...

It was so hard to put my foot down. I've never known this person to be this way, so it seemed odd that they were not only disrespecting my boundaries, but not even acknowledging them. LOL. But I did, I had to.

It's awful hearing someone tell you in an urgent manner that they have all this work to do, as if you are somehow responsible for this, and then get the sense they are trying to make you feel just that.

Um, no thanks. I didn't sign up for an advanced degree, sorry. Get busy with your work, sport.

[Quakerfriend]

2. I would say to him, "It looks great. You are really pretty much

finished." AND, "I've given you my input and, short of writing it for you- which of course I could never ethically do- I don't feel I can offer you any further guidance."

You must let him know that anything further would be UNETHICAL!

Jeez. The nerve of some people!

[bliss_eternal]

3. Good idea--

Your suggestion of what I should say, is in line with what I was thinking. I'll go with that. I'll just leave him a message, saying everything looks great, good luck with it, sorry I can't be of more help.

For me, the hardest thing has been processing this, and considering the possibility that someone that I consider a friend is trying to take advantage of me. They probably don't realize they are, but nevertheless this is what is being done.

I never would have expected this from this person, though. :( Makes me kind of sad, really.

I appreciate your input on this, Quakerfriend. Thank you! :hi:

[LaurenG]

6. I would be up front with him

I would tell him I would be willing to do exactly what you've stated and no more. He needs some "mothering" from you ie: your example of good boundaries. Many people don't have them because of lack of examples in their lives or because they are still child like and think they can manipulate something out of others. Stand your ground and be honest and then maybe you can keep your friendship rather than just feeling resentful and used. Just my 2 cents but I do better with laying it out and letting it go. It sounds like you already know what to do.:hi: :loveya:

[bliss_eternal]

10. I left a message today...

letting him know that I reviewed the chapters we discussed, but unfortunately didn't find anything to add outside of what his advisor already stated. I told him that's where I would start, wished him luck with it, told him I'm sure he would do well. I also told him while I realize this probably wasn't what he was seeking from me, that was the best I could offer--and wished him well with the project and meeting his deadline.

Thanks for the advice, OhioBlues! You're right I knew what to do. I just felt bad doing so. Funny how we tend to feel badly for doing the right thing, isn't it? LOL! :hi:

[sofedup]

7. it sounds as if your friend doesn't have the "right stuff"...

...to get this degree. Whether he lacks ideas, lacks confidence in his own ideas, is lazy, or is too stressed to complete the dissertation- how can he possibly function as a professional in his field if he can't complete this work on his own? I agree with the previous posters- it would be unethical for you to participate further. I hope he's able to finish this on his own. Is he someone who sabotages himself?

[bliss_eternal]

12. Usually he isn't...

one to sabotage himself. But I get the vibe that he's just not being true to himself right now. As such, anything is possible. In not being true to himself, he's taken on more than he can really handle right now and isn't thinking clearly at all. That's obvious when I've spoke with him. He doesn't even seem like the person I've come to know.

My husband think's he's miserable. Neither of us really understand why he's put himself down this particular path, when it takes so much out of him and doesn't seem to really make him happy. :shrug:

The entire paper has taken him much longer than I've ever known one is allowed to take. So I get the sense it isn't really something he is passionate about or doing because he really wants to... I'm at a loss as to why, honestly.

[Grateful for Hope]

8. I agree with all the responses here

but, I wanted to add that, even though your friend needs to do his OWN work, I think there is an element of flattery here in that he obviously trusts and values your opinions and ideas.

[bliss_eternal]

20. Hi Hope!

I'm sorry that I didn't see your response before. Thank you for your feedback.

It is flattering, actually. I'm glad you pointed this out. I think it's part of HOW my friend was able to rope me in. I don't have a degree. I attended college and am close to finishing, but did not which bothers me sometimes. Finding out I was an english major in college and liked to write, was how my friend even came to ask me to do the editing and proofing for him.

Unfortunately I think that I allowed the fact that I was flattered, that a doctoral student would want my input on their work to blind side me a bit.

[cassiepriam]

11. This doc student is melting down and is desperate for someone to

save him. You cannot do it Bliss, you need to back away from the project. What he wants you to do is not appropriate. Instead of leaning on you he needs to pull himself together, and focus on his work. He can talk to his advisor, other committee members, fellow students, and he can of course get an extension if he needs it.

Don't let him pull you into his temporary psychosis, a common malady of doctoral students :) God love him, I feel his pain. You however keep setting boundaries with him.

[bliss_eternal]

13. Hi cassie--

sounds like you know what he's going through on a personal level...lol.

I think he's out of extensions, too. lol. He's quite a mess right now, and I had to laugh when I read your post, he is REALLY melting down and is acting quite desperate. Which I guess is what's taken me by surprise. I've never really seen this person this desperate and acting unlike themselves before.

I left him a phone message today. I let him know I wouldn't be helping him in the way he requested (nicely), wished him well with the project and meeting his deadline, blah, blah.

I did my best to state I'm not accepting what he's attempting to give me, by dropping it back in his lap AND letting him know I won't be available for any other discussions about it. Hope he gets it this time...

His advisor told him he's got maybe five hours of work left on this--in the time he's taken trying to give this to me, he could be done with it. Sheeeesh...

[cassiepriam]

15. This is common, and shows you why there are many ABD's out there

All But Dissertation.

This means a doctoral student has completed all the course work, taken the general exams, but has not finished his/her dissertation, which is the final hoop but a nerve wracking and often horrifying personal experience for many reasons!

From what you are saying, this fellow is his own worst enemy. He is almost at the finish line, has five hours of work left and he can't do it. The other posters here who are suggesting that he is sabotaging himself are correct. I know exactly how he feels, but he has to pull himself together, focus and drag himself over the finish line. He has done all the hard work.

The fact that he has run out of extensions tells the story. This means he has been putting himself through this ordeal for quite some time and now the jig is up. Do or die time and he cannot do it.

It is like the Olympics: gold medal caliber skaters go out on the ice and panic, and blow it, after they have worked so hard for so many years.

Say a prayer for him, but stay out of his drama, it is not going to be a pretty picture.

[bliss_eternal]

16. LOL! It's already "not a pretty picture" ...

It's funny, but I had this feeling all along that I wanted nothing more to do with this, even when I just thought it was a proofing job of his final work.

As much as I care for my friend, I didn't like his vibes, at all. I've felt uncomfortable with his energy of late and really haven't wanted anything to do with this.

It was very telling when I couldn't meet with him last week. (He wanted to meet and go over it in person--which confused me and still does, I'm not sure what that was about). When I wasn't available, I assumed he would just get to work. Instead, I get a call a week later, with him still trying to pull me in. That said a lot to me. In a whole week--he did nothing, telling himself he couldn't until he recruited me to 'shadow him' (his words)...

To me it said he'd rather procrastinate more than just sit down and get it done. :eyes: I don't have any magic formula.

[cassiepriam]

17. It most likely will get worse

As he faces the reality that he may not complete what has been a major life goal. And he realizes that no one has any magic to help him at this point. That is his fantasy.

It is sad to see this happens. I hope he can pull it together. This is his last chance.

Just stay clear of the drama.

[bliss_eternal]

18. Why is this such a common scenario, cassie?

Just out of curiousity... Not to put anyone in this situation down by any means, it just seems so awful--all the hoops they have to jump through to complete it. It seems quite challenging.

Then I think of all the money! :wow: The school he's attending is private, so I'm sure you can imagine the money involved. Yikes.

It kind of pissed me off, that in one of his messages it almost seemed like he was trying to say if he doesn't get it done in time, it's my fault. :wtf: I know this is NOT the reality, but the way he worded it and the suggestion...well you know :mad: lol.

[cassiepriam]

19. The dissertation is the hardest part in a long grueling journey

and yes it is very expensive as well. You don't even want to know what it has cost him. That is a part of what he is feeling right now too. All that money down the drain....

The dissertation is not just a regular college paper, it is original research and must be a contribution to the field. Hard to do especially if you have never done research before. You have to actually design the whole research project, gather the data, and then analyze it with statistical models. Then write up the results in a very exacting specific way. All according to very strict standards.

Everything has to be approved at each step by the entire dissertation committee, five professors, and the university. And if you are using human subjects it must go thru many university rigid protocols as well. And the five committee members pour over it and tear it apart and make you re-write extensively. It is their pleasure to see you scream in frustration.

And things go wrong at every step of the way. Anybody who has written a dissertation has horror stories. Lost data, re write problems, insane adviser, you name it. And when you finally get it done you must do an oral defense which is a three hour grilling session.

You can see why it is not uncommon to see melt downs along the way.This fellow is just grasping at straws, bullying and blaming everyone but himself for the predicament he is in. Sorry Bliss that you got caught in his trauma and drama. Just don't hook into it.

[bliss_eternal]

21. I took some time last night to think of what you've all said

and cassie is correct. You're all totally right. My friend did sabotage himself in so many ways. He's still doing it, and thought the flattered editor would pick up the slack (yours truly. :eyes:

Initially he had a job as a consultant. He pretty much made his own schedule, which seemed ideal for completing his dissertation work. Within the last year, he's taken on a job where he has more of a set schedule and a great deal of overtime expected of him. It sounds incredibly stressful, and he admitted he hates it. :crazy:

Though he has a reason for doing this, it probably wasn't a necessity to do it at this exact time. So taking this position has been counterproductive to what he needs to do as far as his dissertation is concerned. So yes, he's dwelling in the land of sabotage city. :banghead:

Had all of you not presented me with these possibilities, I wouldn't have considered them. Now that I have, I know my gut instinct was correct, and I'm staying far away from him and his cycle of destruction. lol.

Thanks to all of you! I appreciate your help with this so much. :grouphug: :loveya: