A dream I had this AM

[Grateful for Hope]

My mom died in Oct 1991...I think she was very much concerned about 9/11 and the Anthrax scare, and, I also think she was pretty ready to go. People who have been here for a while might remember that my step-father committed suicide in Feb of this year. He missed her a great deal.

As background, my mom was pretty abusive. Physically, she thought nothing of pulling hair out of one's head, stomping on one's body, and, on one occasion, pushing one down a flight of stairs.

But, perhaps the hardest aspect of my relationship with my mother is that I never thought she liked me. And, she said many, many hurtful things that stay with me to this day.

Well, last night (actually early this AM), I had this dream wherein I was saying the things to her that I would have liked to have said during her lifetime. Each time I said a confrontational thing, I would cringe and wait for the repercussion. She would be very angry, but there was no physical or vocal payback, but, I knew she was angry, and I kept saying to her "I am sorry, Mom". I actually could feel her shoulders as I would put my arm around her. They felt very fragile.

The one thing I said to her that stands out is this: "Why did you treat everyone else so much better than you treated your children?". I did not apologize for asking this, and, it led to me waking up, and fully remembering the dream.

I have had some therapy, and, I am also schooled in psychology, so I know what the psychological ramifacations of this dream may be. But, I had a very strong feeling that I was actually interacting with my mother last night.

I am asking if anyone else her gets the same impression. Maybe my mother and I are healing our relationship on another level?

[suziedemocrat]

1. Wow - powerful stuff.

Have you thought about having a LBL regression or trying to contact her through a "good" medium?

[Grateful for Hope]

4. No I haven't

But, it is an idea. Thank you!

[Cleita]

2. I had a dream about my mother this morning too. But first let me say

this. My mother didn't mind the physical stuff either like the hair pulling and she only stopped when I grew bigger than her, but it didn't stop the mind games. I think though it was a generational thing. Most of my friends' mothers were disciplinarians in the same mold.

As far as she told me, I was worthless, yet I found out from her friends that she was very proud of me and how I turned out. I wish she would have told me, but then my stepdaughter's mother told me once that that I shouldn't spoil her daughter. When I asked her what she meant, she said that I complimented her too much and it would go to her head.

Then it came to me in a flash. This was what it was all about, they were trying to not spoil us so we wouldn't grow up to be egoistic bitches. The purpose was for our own good. It was just the way they went about achieving this wasn't great parenting. I suppose it's what they learned from their mothers although my grandmothers couldn't have been more doting.

Well, to get back to the dreams. In my dream this morning my mother and some relatives as well as myself were in a restaurant and I had to go to the ladies. The next thing my mother was yelling to me that they were going to another restaurant and would meet me there. Then they were gone. When I went back to the booth to pick up my purse it was gone. I spent some agonizing hours (in the dream)trying to reach them.

The problem was that without my purse, my cell phone was gone, all my money, and my credit cards. All I had was some dimes in the pocket of my jacket. I was hungry and couldn't buy anything to eat. I couldn't drive my car because my keys were gone. I couldn't hire a cab or take the bus for the same reason. I tried calling them from a pay phone with the dimes I had but they didn't answer.

Night was coming and no one had come to look for me and I had no more money left. Then my keys and my purse appeared next to me on the bus bench I was sitting on and I woke up.

I believe my mother was sending me a message that I was being too lax in minding my purse when I was out and that this is what could happen if I wasn't more vigilent. I guess she's still looking after me in her way, making me uncomfortable, but still driving that lesson home. I will listen.

Your mom I think too is looking after you on another level and maybe she's trying to get you to get over the harm she did to you unknowingly through ignorance by letting you work those feelings out.

[Grateful for Hope]

3. Some good thoughts, here, Cleita

That was an amazing dream you had. And, I think you may have something here. I guess our mother's love for us is infinite - and, you've helped me to feel grateful for it.

Thank you,

[Sanity Claws]

14. Was that your mother? Or your vision of your mother?

I dreamed of my mother within the past week. In the dream, I fried bacon (something I never do) but then realized that she was going to get mad at me and say I was wasteful because we were going to eat sandwiches. I really think that this dream was about me, how I'm always worried that she'll find something to criticize about me. In her life, she was very critical of me. I don't thinks she came back just to criticize me again.
Cleita, could your dream have been about yourself too? You think of your mother always looking out for you and here she did it in your dream.
I'm not saying that spirits never come to us in dreams. I just wonder how often we attribute things to others when they're just reflections of ourselves.

[Cleita]

17. I'm sure it was my mother. She died almost thirty years ago and

has visited me in dreams over the years. I know when it's real because the dream is very real. I can feel and touch in those dreams. Like I can touch the wood grain on a table and I feel the weather. Also the dreams make sense unlike most dreams that are pretty nonsensical. She is also very young as I remember her looking when I was a pre-schooler still in her late twenties, however, her clothes and hair are updated to the present.

One of the strangest dreams I had was when a friend of mine died of cancer. My mother had also died of cancer. I dreamed I was pushing my friend in a wheel chair through an airport waiting room. My mother was waiting by the boarding gate. Although she never knew this particular friend of mine, she came over and took over the wheel chair from me. She smiled and told me that this was as far as I could go and that she would take over from there.

[Why Syzygy]

20. Wow .. that sounds real enough!

I had a friend die of cancer when she was 30. She kept an immaculate house. I could feel her presence every time I cleaned house for years. She loved to clean.

[mntleo2]

5. Dreams ...LOL

I had such a great mom! ...and my mom died in 1988 when I was in my late 30's and my youngest son was only 4 months old. I was devastated and still miss her to this day. I was mad at her for leaving us all, but I also understood why she left. She had cancer and did not know it until a month before her death when she swelled up with edema and they found it all throughout her body.

My mum was a good woman. She and my dad stayed married though their marriage was not a happy one. My father was a working alcoholic and Mom was a tea drinker (well she drank coffee, but you get the picture). My mom did not work outside the home except for small forays out of the house, working for the school kitchens for a few years, but most of the time she was a stay-at-home-mom. My father treated Mom as if she were extra baggage he had to carry around because she did not "work". Yeah right. When he came home from work (or a drinking jag), he would put his feet up and demand dinner. He even was unhappy with her if he arrived home at 11:00 at night drunk on his butt and dinner was dried out. She mowed the lawn and did the yard work, and washed the clothes by hand in “Ricky-tick” her old wringer washer, she even ironed his shorts!. He refused to help pay the bills and complained that my mom "wasted" his paycheck, but when she died, the house was paid for, he had almost 1/2 million dollars in the bank, they owned two other homes she had inherited, and his credit was sterling ~ all on a blue collar paycheck. And Mom always was there for him, their friends and neighbors, and for her children as much as she could be.

When Mom lay dying, we were all hanging out with her, my sister, uncle, and a couple friends. While we were all idly talking, my father was desperately going through the file cabinet asking her where everything was, the insurance, the deed to the house, their car deed. Where the hell was it all? Uncharacteristically for her because the unspoken message was he was mad she was just "laying around chit-chatting”, would have usually hurt her, my mother just laughed. She said, "Dear, you have had 42 years to learn where everything is, and you would not do it then. I do not have much time left to spend with the ones I love, I guess you will have to figure that out yourself." Then she turned to all of us, and said quietly, "Now ~ where was I...?" My father stood up trembling he was so mad. He said, "Damn it you are going to DIE and leave me with all this!" We all sat there in shocked silence wondering what was coming next. Nothing came next. She just continued the conversation as if he was not there!

At my mother's funeral, I could not believe the dignitaries who came by to pay respect. There were doctors, homeless people, ministers, old friends, city officials, new friends, and each one of them told me a little story as to how my mother left them wiser for having known her. I was never so proud and stunned at the impact she had made ~ and she was just a housewife with nothing particular about her. No socialite (she would have hated that because she believed in being genuine), not a social butterfly, she was just Betty. My father and her husband did not love her or know her or even want to, but so many others did love her, it was unbelievable. I was so sad at not having her there as she always was, and so mad at her when she left ~ I cried and keened for 2 years every time I was alone.

Around 7 years passed, and then I had a series of dreams about Mom. One was about me being in her kitchen and hearing her laughing outside. "Mom!" I cried and I ran out to see her because I could not believe she was there. And there she was enjoying the sun and the flowers in her garden. Without a word, she turned and looked at me smiling. In that smile and what passed between us was a whole bunch of unspoken words that encompassed our history together. I realized she was young and beautiful again, not ravaged by sorrow and cares as she was in life. Another dream came a few months later. I was walking in the mall. It was in the middle of the day and bustling with people. Sitting on a bench in the middle of the mall was a young woman with her legs primly crossed, reading the paper (probably the Seattle PI which she read every day, lol). The paper hid her face. As I passed her by, she put the paper down and peered over it smiling. It was Mom and again she was radiant and young. Her smile said, "See? I am always here, Dear, in the middle of the crowds, where you might not notice, but I am always nearby you!"


That was over 10 years ago and nothing else from Mom. However I am now realizing how blessed I was to have her in my life and I am also trying to live out what she silently taught me. Not to be "shallow" (her words) and to love as unconditionally as you can, and also to give all you can to those you love (and to those she did not love sometimes, lol).

I am not sure why I wrote this eulogy. My mom has been gone now for 18 years. But I miss her still and wish she would come by in a dream like she has before just to remind me she is here.


Love,
Cat In Seattle

[Name removed]

6. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[SeattleGirl]

13. Oh Cat, what a wonderful woman your mother was.

I literally had tears in my eyes and broke out in goosebumps reading your story. Thank you so very much for sharing a bit of her with us.

:hug:

[Why Syzygy]

7. Did you mean 2001

instead of 1991?

[yellowdawgdem]

8. I got the same impression-

that maybe this was a real conversation you were having with your mother. Interesting that even on the other side, you still experience her anger so strongly. Maybe she is having to go thru a time of looking at all of her "out of controllness" or mistakes she's made in her lifetime. If that is so, then she would probably be more open to resolving these really hurtful behaviors toward you. Another thing I've heard, is that when a parent passes, it frees us in some ways. And is a chance to move forward. So I hope that is the case, with her passing. That you can resolve some of the negative bond, and accept the parts of your mother that you did connect with. Still sounds like it would be kind of a painful process for you.

[Why Syzygy]

9. I hope you can let the hurtful things she said go.

My mother never liked me, she was only jealous, mean and possessive. She is still alive and I consider her evil. But I also believe she is very frightened. She lives in fear. And love and fear cannot coexist.

She seems to take delight in making me suffer. If that isn't evil, I don't know what is. Her temper tantrums and total lack of self responsibility may indicate mental illness, so I withold judgment. But plenty of mentally ill people work on themselves. I have spent much of my lifetime trying to please her or going to counselors to try to sort it all out. She has done nothing to address her issues.

I was able to get to a point several years ago, however, where I didn't memorize the poison she was spewing. At one time I could recite word for word all the wicked things she said to me. I just quit listening to them. I honestly couldn't tell you what bs she had come up with as the latest attack. It wasn't worth remembering, and wouldn't do me any good to try. So, I think it is important to forget. My suggestion is to let go of the hurtful words. If you can, stop playing the tapes. They are not valid.

[Cleita]

11. I think to most of us our parents are like gods when we are kids

and when they prove to be only human and imperfect it hurts. It's especially painful when they hurt you deliberately as well. However, look around you at everyone who has kids. Many of them should never have reproduced at all because they are terrible parents. I think it's good that you can now look at her objectively and assess what kind of a person she is and that she is probably mentally ill. I'm sure it helps your self-esteem and your well-being that you are able to be objective about this.

[MissWaverly]

12. Please pay back the missing love to yourself

my parents went on jags like that, my mother suffered from depression and my dad was an
alcoholic, pay yourself back with sunsets, good friends, little treats. I have a sofa full
of Teddy bears for the kids who come by to play with. It's for the Christmas and birthdays
where I was paid back with no presents and I was just a kid. My mother could have a slight
happen say around Thanksgiving and then pay you back at Christmas. I did not play those
games and never will.

[Why Syzygy]

16. I buy myself a stuffed animal

every once in awhile too. I have a teddy from the c-mas of '97, I bought myself after a painful breakup. I named him Howard, as in "Howard be Thy name" (HP-I was in a 12-step program then). And this past spring, I bought a fluffy aqua bunny. I was away from my hometown and lonely. I also still have a velveteen rabbit I bought over a decade ago. It used to be the symbol of love I gave my ex when we were going to apart for awhile, for his work. And my most recent bf gave me a neat little velvet flower and a kermit. Aren't they fun?

If I go around or talk to my mother, I still get paybacks, from when I have no idea. I don't talk to her. I dreamed about my dad this morning. He left in 1998. I dreamed that he had just died, and therefore had survived with cancer for 10 years. In the dream one of my sisters and I had not been told of his death. We heard it from a distant cousin. In the dream, my sister said she was not going to hang out with my mom any more either. I believe dream characters may come close to the real person, but are actually pieces of our own psyches.

I also do nature as much as possible. I've gotten very picky about choosing friends, and am back in my new hometown, so that one will take awhile. But it will be worth it. Thanks.

[MissWaverly]

18. something weird I dreamed about last night

I never knew my grandfather, other than he was English and a coal miner, anyway, I am dong a
geneaology search last night and came across his name. I think he showed up in my dream last
night, and was he a card, he must have told a million jokes. I think that we honor them by
thinking about them and remembering them. One thing, I do know that he died when I was a year
old and he told everyone that I was a "miracle baby." Just remember even if you got a
pair of deuces for parents; there may be a ton of folks loving you upstairs.

:-)

[Why Syzygy]

21. So true.

I think of my grandad a lot. He was a very humble man. I always thought my mother would go first because she has had so many health problems and never took care of herself. My dad was moderate, ate sensibly, took a walk every morning and loved his work. She had badgered him into 'retirement', which he never did. He continued to work on a lesser scale and got his last paycheck on his last bed. I know he was proud of that.

They do love us :hug:

[MissWaverly]

22. Real love never dies

It's pretty awesome to think that my Grandpa loves me and he died when I was only a small infant
and do not remember him. So often people in this world are only interested in getting not
giving. What a great guy he was, my sister said that he spent hours making little houses
for under the Christmas tree, which my father destroyed after my Grandpa died. I think
your folks sound like such good people. I think that the whole world is like a painting and
each of us has a brush and what the total picture looks like is up to us.

[MissWaverly]

10. Yes, I do believe that you talked with her

it is for your healing, I think she is sorry and also I think that it is part of her atonement,
to come back and help you past this.

[mrl821]

15. I read through this thread yesterday, and it made me think about my mom...

I hadn't dreamt about her in a few months. She passed away three years ago in August.

I used to dream about her fairly frequently, usually about once every month or every other month. And I don't think that those dreams were visitation dreams - they were all very similar - usually me trying to convince her of something, or explain something to her, and her not listening to me and not understanding me. But I was always grateful for these dreams, because it felt like, if I can't see her in physical form at least I can see her and interact with her in this way, real or not.

But I dreamt about her last night, I guess it was triggered by reading this thread...and this one was different than the ones before.
I was dreaming that I was dreaming if that makes sense, and I saw myself lying in bed and then I felt her presence and I felt her just lying there with me and hugging me. Then we were standing and talking in another room about how much we love each other. I think I asked her how it was possible to love someone so much.

I don't' know if that was a real visitation dream or not, but it felt different than the other ones. I just felt so much love from her.

She was my best friend, and it's hard without her here. She was a good mother, but a flawed person, like everyone else.
Anyway, I just thought I would share. It was a nice dream. :)

[MissWaverly]

19. What a nice thing

see my post about my grandfather showing up, see above, I never really thought about him because
I never really knew him. It doesn't matter he loved me when I was a baby and I think he was
thrilled that I am doing genealogy searches and was thinking of him.

:-)