I'm wondering about a feeling I'm having.

[lildreamer316]

I need your input about what may be causing me to focus on this ( as in why the past instead of being able to see this feeling in my now, a la The Secret & etc) and why it seems to keep tugging on the corner of my mind.

I had an absolutely wonderful childhood. A huge part of this was the fact that my parents had a beautiful house: a 1929 dutch colonial brick with 10 food ceilings and 3 acres of land, filled 3/4 with woods and the yard had 26 trees in it--several old oaks of at least 50-75 years. Across the gravel road out front was another wooded area. There were 2 neighbors close enough to be fun but not so close as to be invasive. My father worked at an insurance company that had its offices next door (it was their offices and their country club, so more woods and a private pool, etc.) The offices were beautiful also, being built in 1919; with beautiful wood detailing. It was magical and warm and comforting. When the snow would fall we would be in silence, and the wood fire in the living room smelled so good. Christmas at the company was magical also, with parties and gifts for all the employee's children and movies and dinners...in the restaurant owned by the company overlooking the lake. I just can't tell you how beautiful and warm it all was,and I know now that I was extremely blessed. It was like growing up in those pictures you see of the 1800s to 1950s. Really.

Of course there were downsides to having a 'perfect' life, but I won't go into those now.

So I moved out at 18 of course,and my dad passed...my mother had to sell the house to imminent domain of the city because of a loop that was coming through. The house she bought was situated to help her in her advanced stages of cancer--all one level ranch.

I am grateful that I have the ranch now, of course, and it is a nice house...but I have been spoiled!! Nothing has felt like "home" since I left the old house. I want that warmth and feeling of love and history for my son to grow up in. I know that any place can become a home if you make it so, but...I just don't "feel" it here. My old house keeps popping up in my vision...its' "feel" keeps returning for me to reach for. I have scoured real estate for the past few years, trying to find a place that calls to me--and nothing has. I want my son to see the four seasons here, to be within reach of the mountains and the ocean while he is growing up.
I keep trying to focus on the now and keep telling myself that the right house for us will present itself when the time is right...but this feeling and the picture of my old house is so strong; I just can't shake it. There's no way I'm going to find that EXACT combination of things in a house again, I don't think ( I mean the woods and the house--did I mention that we were still in the city limits?). It just won't leave me alone, and I feel as if this is holding me back from finding what my family and I need.
This may seem silly, but the picture and the feeling are just so insistent that I am not sure what to make of it. Anyone? I know maybe I am just really wishing for my son to be able to have the type of childhood I did,but that does not encompass just the house...so I'm confused. Is there a message I'm missing? Because this is emotional for me, I may just not be seeing it.
Any insights you have would be welcome. Sorry for such a silly subject....

[smirkymonkey]

1. I feel the same as you do - this intense longing for that original,

cozy experience of hearth & home and the feeling that my life won't fall into place until I find it.

I grew up in similar circumstances - a big, old colonial home, warm and inviting with a fire and the comforting smell of home cooked food and candles burning. We had a lot of property which consisted of trees and rolling hills and babbling brooks - friendly neighbors that weren't too close or too far. A sense of history and community, no crime and fresh air.

I live in a huge city right now and although there are things I love about it, lately my most insistent desire has been to re-create that sense of peace, hominess (Is that a word?) and warmth that I grew up with. Of course my childhood wasn't ideal due to an abusive step-mother, but aspects of it have positively impacted my psyche.

I think maybe our desire for our childhood homes represents a longing for a place of peace within ourselves and the simplicity of being a well-cared for young person, free of the responsibility and pressure of daily life in adulthood. Also, I don't know about you, but I am a Cancer and very attached to the idea of comforting home life and domesticity. I think our insides can reflect our external environment and vice-versa. I know I would be happier living in a beautiful, homey place - even if it was small. Maybe we need to pay attention to that pull and seek out more harmonious environments. :shrug:

[lildreamer316]

2. Oh,

I definately need to pay attention to it..and I am trying to...but it just seems as if no other house is good enough. There's always something wrong with it. I swear I'm not trying to be that way!! I dunno. The whole thing is wierd.
Thanks for the response. I am slightly annoyed at myself, 'cause this house is perfectly fine...large lot, quiet. It's just not....home.
Ah, well. I suppose all will be revealed in time. I suppose when we are ready to find the house we will...I'm just impatient!! (as usual!)
I'm a Leo,btw, but very close to Cancer as my birthday is the 28th of July. Yep, I've got a serious Martha Stewart side too. I'm really feeling it these days. Fall brings it out in me something fierce!

[Why Syzygy]

4. Fall will do that .. I still remember walking to a

Halloween party down a couple of blocks. I loved Fall parties.

I never had a family home. My dad was a minister and the house always belonged to the church. But I left home when I was 15 and lived with some friends. October is my favorite month in Texas. I do remember the state fair. which is always in October, and attended many times as an adult. The weather is just perfect. And there are so many things to to do at the fair!

My son is grown now, but he always told me I made a homey place. I just kept it clean and cooked good food and we got to play a lot. Everyone was welcome and put at ease.

I don't know if you're looking for this home for your son or yourself. Probably both.
He will enjoy anywhere you are happy. Kids are like that. If you need another setting, you will find it. That house may represent loss on a deep level that isn't readily apparent, due to the circumstances of its acquisition. I'm not really digging where I live now. Although it is a perfectly sweet and very practical location. The lighting and room arrangements are all off somehow. Maybe check into some Feng Shui.

It sounds like your original home was perfect, but this one may not be, for reasons that you just can't discern. That sounds normal.

One of the places I lived that made me feel the best was really rather impractical. The door faced North and it had huge North and West windows. It was a very old house and the wind could blow in through the cracks and the floor could freeze during the winter (pier and beam). But I loved that place. It had a huge front porch-wrap around to the side. This place has a West facing door and no North windows. It just isn't orientated. (Mrs. Fields that is a word).

Go with your gut, Lildream.

[Why Syzygy]

3. What a beautiful description.

I can smell the wood smoke and snowflakes. And spring thaw and autumn leaves. What a wonderful memory.

[Matariki]

5. it strikes me from reading your post

that you *really* love the woods? sounds like the ranch house isn't in the woods. maybe you could sell it and find a more wooded place, even if it' not as big as your childhood home?

some people really thrive in particular ecologies. i've always loved the seaside. the woods too.

[Quakerfriend]

6. Hey, lildreamer, your post brought tears to my eyes. I, too,

have the VERY same feelings and wishes for my boys. And, I too, had a 'perfect' childhood in many ways.

My parents, along with my aunts and uncles, bought property together. The land was nestled among 200+ acres of wonderful Pa woods with bubbling springs in the ground and a stream running through it. Here my 5 sisters and 10 cousins spent endless hours exploring and playing.

Our house was a wonderful old historical home with an underground root cellar and a big stone barn which my parents restored beautifully. My grandfather was a wonderful inventor and he built a huge pool for everyone in the family to enjoy. Our summers were a never ending series of parties and picnics- playing tennis and Crockett etc.

Right next door to our house was a hill with a 600ft vertical drop. My parents both loved to ski and so they made the hill into a little ski hill with a rope tow and lights for night skiing. My uncles were architects so they built a beautiful swiss chalet with a wall of windows and a huge fireplace at the foot of the hill. Whenever we got snow the whole neighborhood would turn out at the hill!

I could go on and on. And, I often find myself dwelling on these marvelous memories, as I'm sure you do. It seems that things will never be the same. I have found that simply writing about these fond memories is very helpful. And, I know that my children will treasure these writings. I plan to put it into a book for everyone in the family to enjoy.

You may not be able to give them such an idyllic lifestyle- partly because times have changed- things being more hectic, somewhat removed from nature, community etc. But, there is nothing unusual about what you are feeling. Just keep in mind that most kids see magic in their childhood either way.