All right, dears. Lildreamer's attempt at life; take #1432:

[lildreamer316]

Blessed friends have helped us to regain our cable internet after what seemed an eternity away..what did we ever do without this invention?
Thank goodness I love to read. Our tv was off as well, of course; and we don't have very many movies.:)

Things seem to continue on a somewhat downward spiral. The car wreck has ended up costing us the car completely. It was a total loss, and since we only bought the car last January and were still making payments, we will end up probably not owing anything, but not having a car at all. After reading Contsortium's post about the economy, I'm attempting to look at this as the Universe's way of getting us out of a debt, but since this is the third car in three years, I'm a bit upset about it.

Shawn came home from a gig last thursday night and dropped his laptop bag getting out of the car. The laptop will now not turn on and has to be sent (thank goddess under warranty!) away for repair. That's what his dj music was on. We do have an older laptop to fall back on,but the power cord does not stay completely attached and the battery is dead, so it cuts off mid-song. We're working on getting another battery for it this weekend. It seems the Universe did not want him to be able to work at all. I confess to some bafflement on this.

I actually do have an emergency fund of a sorts...my mother's IRA she left me. However,it is heavily invested; and of course I pay an extremely large tax penalty for removing any money from it. I went and spoke to my broker yesterday about raiding it for funds for a new car and a couple other major things that need to be done. I can get the money I need, but would be penalized almost $6000 for doing so at this time. I can wait until the first of the year and not be peanalized until next tax year, but we will be without transportation for two weeks or more. Shawn's income is $300 a week at the moment, so I don't know if that is going to be enough to cover renting a car for the time we won't have one.

We have consistently been putting out resumes and feelers for jobs all over the country. We've sent out at least 15 resumes in the last three months, with absolutely NO responses at all. He had a promise of a job that was supposed to start this month in DC, but then were told that the club was on hold and may not open at all. There is the club that was supposed to open here in town, but that is run by the same people that fired him under false pretenses three months ago, so we are not wonderfully enthused about that possibility.

As I said in my previous post, I believe the Universe is saving him for a particular job. It has not 'allowed' him to work in any other gentleman's club environment since this all began. Coming back from his last such gig is when the wreck happened.

Thank goodness we don't really have many bills. We do not have credit cards of any sort, and now no payments except utilities & phone. We haven't been able to turn on the heat yet either, but space heaters are helping in our bedrooms at least. We applied for food stamps last month and that has helped a bit.

Since end of Sept. I have been practicing the power of now ideas.. I was just taking every single day at a time. I didn't worry about how I was going to pay that bill tommorrow, I expected the money to be there; and usually it was. For some reason, this flow stopped about three weeks to a month ago. This is why I said in my other post that I felt this was my 'fault'..somehow I stepped out of the flow, or we both did. I cannot seem to get back into it. I am usually able to see the reason for things, but have not been able to in any of this situation. I didn't have any one event or idea that knocked me out of whack...I can't put my finger on the pattern at all. ANy insight any of you have to this is very welcome. I am beginning to lose faith in all the ideas I thought I understood. I don't see how I manifested any of this into my reality. But I'll keep looking...

As for my own goals, I have made an appointment with the cosmetic surgeon for a consult. I am hoping to return to work sometime in January. Many people seem to disapprove of my choice, including some of my former co-workers, and one of my best friends. This is very frustrating to me,since I see that my work can have some value. See, people don't expect (excuse me for any arrogance or self-promotion this may smack of, please) a lightworker to exist in the environment that I work in. That is precisely why it is so important for me to continue to do what I do. I am good at my job, and I love it. I don't understand why so many people want me to deny what I am passionate about just because they don't think there is any worth there. Frankly,it pisses me off (LEO!!). I have two other minor projects in the works (a website and a cd music compliation series) that will start small but continue to grow as the years pass and I am no longer able to do the main job for a living. I would have started on these already, but I needed a few extra hundred dollars and we have not had it to spare.

ALl this is just to let you know where I am mentally.

When it comes to my husband, I confess to treading back and forth at the end of my rope. I don't seriously think I can say that I don't want to continue with him, however. We are joined at the mind and heart, and he is really a genius when it comes to his passion of dj-ing. He just has the problems I think other 'geinus' minds have..they can barely tie their shoes sometimes. I knew this on some level going into this realationship, and am a good manager of the rest of our lives, as far as I am able. It just can be very tiring and wearing on the nerves at times like this. Per the suggestions in the other thread, we have had several discussions about his driving and what needs to be done to help him either improve or possibly stop it. I don't know that stopping it is a viable option at this point. The discussions will continue. Meanwhile, I've been doing most of the driving.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us, and I greatly appreciate (more than you can know) all of your care and support. I need it more than ever now.

There is one other out-of-the-blue issue that I would like to bring to you all. This is a little strange.
I used to be a practicing Wiccan, eclectic solitary. I have not actively participated in ritual or observance, other than in meditations and a few mental things that I do for myself, in quite a long time..I felt that I had moved in another direction. However, a friend that I don't talk to anymore (it's not exactly that I don't care about her as a friend, it's just that she wants something from me that I cannot give, and she was toxic to my relationship) is still practicing seriously. I had not thought about her in ages, when night before last she came to me in my dream. Nothing of particular note was said, but a couple of minutes after I woke up, I realized what she had been doing...I believed she has sent some bad energy to my husband; trying to get me to put him aside. I confess to not believing this kind of thing to really be effective,but now I don't know.

I have no idea if this was a true revelation or not, but I would welcome any suggestions or protective light that you would have.

My great apologies for the long-winded poor me personal post. I will now be quiet and listen to what others have to say in this forum. I am so happy to be back! Thank you all again.

[BlueIris]

1. Oh, lildreamer. I feel so bad for you.

I'll repost my suggestion that you consider getting Reiki work (we have several gifted long-distance Reiki healers here) especially if you think someone has managed to send negative energy your way.

I think it's good that you're looking more closely at your relationship with your spouse. I think there are some imbalances there that need to be addressed.

Continuing to think good thoughts.

[Celebration]

2. glad you are back

I would pick internet over TV any day. I'm sorry for your continued difficulties. I know very little about that business, so the only suggestion I have is that your husband might be able to get some gigs doing DJ things at weddings. That is a pretty big trend now, as people want to save money by not hiring bands.

Oh, man, yes you need to do some psychic protection. You could be able to do some ritual--an affirmation before bedtime would be a great idea. Something like "While I sleep, I am contuously removing negative energy from each of my auric fields, and replacing it with pure white light, integrating that light into my psyche. All negative energy directed at me will be refused, and sent to the appropriate realm." I think I would try this along with the EFT tapping.

www.emofree.com

You could put some orgone devices around your room. You could make a cheap one by getting a large glass jar and layering steel wool and real cotton (or real cotton balls). Or, a salt lamp (on) might help.

There are also some cleaning symbols, and you could paste those around your bedroom.

Here is a bigger version of my avatar



It's a crop circle diagram in front of a NASA picture of the sun. You can use this if you want, or really even a six pointed hexagram should work, too.
The Pennsylvania Dutch had a lot of symbols that keep negative energy away. I bet you could find one that you like on the internet, even.

I hope you can stick around in ASAH.

[I Have A Dream]

3. I'm glad that you're back amongst us, lildreamer. I hope that you can...

feel the love and light that is being sent to you.

I'm sorry that you're going through so much right now; I hope that it ends very soon. :(

:hug: