More about Karma & Release and Ghosts from the past

[FirstLight]

I posted this as a reply in MG's thread about dreams of people from the past...but this may be beter as it's own thread...
~~~~~~

so, this facebook thing has been a real trip this week...seeing more and hearing more from people I haven't thought of in 20 years is very weird. I feel so old on the one hand...and yet to me it was just YESTERDAY that heartbreak and crazy teen antics were my norm.
So...as I process this illness of the last couple days I have done some Energy Work as well - and realized that this is clearing some stuff from MANY past lives, and also delving into patterns that seemed to emerge in and around the ages of 14-17in this life.

One of the first things I notice is that I don't feel very "far away" from the events of 20 yrs ago... I stunted somewhere and feel like the wounds or the events are still fresh in my mind. It's like everyone else moved on and I stayed in this cocoon and continued to repeat many of the same mistakes.
...Issues of Trust, feelings of being abandoned, wishing that someone would love me with that wild reckless passion of youth...


Second is the feeling of inadequacy - like everyone else grew up and had normal stable relationships, had the job and the house, and here I am still floundering along...two ex-husbands and three kids. My life reads like a bad movie and I am lying to everyone that I am fine and doing well. Not mentioning to anyone that I am on welfare or trying to get my mental & physical health in order, much les get a better job. I play the role of the strong woman and tell everyone I am a writer (nevermind that "freelance" = starving artist)

The funny part is that the issues that showed up in Energy Healing had to do with me owning my truth and real power and REALLY knowing that I AM that powerful shining spirit and that I AM doing the work of healing and moving this stuff out of my field and karma.

funny how the past can make you feel so small, when maybe the whole goal is to own one's "bigness"

still, it feels weird...
especially when the guy that first broke my heart is asking me out for a drink when he comes up on business in June..! (I guess that's a good reason to lose 20+ pounds...)

[FirstLight]

1. Did a "timeline" in my sleep this afternoon...

I have been crawling into bed at all hours to snooze/dream/meditate while being sick. Had a second eneryg work sesion with my girlfriend who does reiki too.

Something really interesting is the repeat of difficult times and actual calendar dates that correspond throughout my life.
November - February are always my hardest months and when things tend to fall apart the most. I can see it as recently as when my last marriage ended...to the first time I got really dumped by someone I had given my sexuality to - with and the resulting suicidal streak.

And there was the other correlation I saw...
that this whole time period in question has to do with how I was able to integrate sex into my relationships or my life.
second chakra? first? hmmmm....

and the story isn't as important as the release ...and now I get to look at it from an even bigger perspective of being a contract I may have agreed to thousands of lifetimes ago...and now I get to either dissolve it or re-write it...
More and more to process...

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

5. release is important

forgive and let go--sometimes this has to be done again and again, but I think you are getting to the nub of things. And the great thing about it is you are recognizing patterns and correlations. This is really a great step that you have taken! May Light surround you as you continue your exploration.

[Why Syzygy]

2. Just live in the moment.

At least part of the time. You have been on my mind. The things you've been posting lately indicate a lot of suffering, and I wish I could help in some way. I'm not sure what to say, so if this comes across wrong, DISREGARD it!

I used to believe that I could heal from all the trauma of my childhood. I'm at the rear end of adulthood now, and my relationship with my mother is still effed up. She is still a dry well. I can't say that I ever really healed in any meaningful way. I've just come to terms with it. My decade long quest to become integrated has at least removed the shameful parts. I can even make a case that some of the heavy duty advice I was given my professionals along the way only made things worse. They used to tell me that I was too "dependent" on my ex-dh. He was my lover, provider, best friend, step-dad for my son, and the only person I never got tired of. When I tried to distance my emotions, he left. So, now I sure don't have the problem of being too dependent on him! What did it solve? I did get to know myself much better. woop! I'm not bitter about it, but I do wish I had spent more time enjoying what I had instead of trying to make myself 'better'. Especially given the outcome, which was never what I expected.

Live in the moment.

[FirstLight]

9. thank you ...

I understand where you are coming from. and I AM processing much of my suffering lately. BUT on the upside, I think I am better equipped to deal with things now because I know more about my own energy healing etc...and there are things I will probably NOT share with my traditional therapist because of that. While I want to work on specific behaviors and illusions and patterns of my self...I will also continue to work on these same things on multiple levels and energetics...

Ya, some of it needs to just be let go. I have decided to go ahead and burn up the journals of the past and let that stuff GO. it's not like I am saving it for posterity. i don't want my daughter reading about my suicide atempts at 16...so release is sure to be helpful! :)

[momzno1]

3. Lots of old friends and lessons

Hey, I totally relate to your post. I reconnected with several old friends including one significant relationship from early on in my teenage years.
There is so much healing going on in my life due to this connection, along with the pain of feeling the past all over again. I don't have any answers, just gratitude that I have a chance to look at the past again with new eyes.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

4. In some ways, we are always 19

or so. I know at 58 I still feel that I am much younger--just the aches and pains remind me I'm not.

Some issues, such as those of trust or abandonment, seem to come round again and again in cycles for a person to deal with during their life--you just get to look at them from a new perspective. This is where your power comes in--this is where you can find your truth, for I think it is in handling these issues that one can find out a lot about onesself.

I'd say that the feeling of inadequacy is one that many of us feel. Last year was my 40th high school reunion--I looked at the bios of those old classmates who appeared to have been much more "successful" than me--but I also looked at their faces. There was a touch of sadness on most of them, and I realized that each, in their own way, had unrealized dreams and a sense of maybe not getting all out of life that they "should" have.

Maybe the thing to do is to not judge yourself, especially by other's standards. For you have touched on something very important--looking at and discovering our own "bigness"--what Sufis call the Greater Self. The motives of the Greater Self are far different from what society's are--and what is deemed success is different as well. Coming to feel at home with yourself--feeling that Power, that divine spark that is you--all other matters seem to fall away.

[FirstLight]

8. thanks for the words of truth Ayesha!

I agree about the cycles of learning that come round again for new perspective are vital. I know that even last year I dod not have the tools of meditation & healing that I do now - so that I can objectively look at the contracts and issues of this life and others.

I love the term that you mention the Sufis use...it is very much about the 'Greater Self' at this point. The drama as it played out and the specifics are not as important as how my soul learns and how I can grow...

as for feeling 19 - it is nice to hear that I am not the only one who carries this enigma with me! It is a strange feeling!

[Sanity Claws]

6. Or is it a way to meet up with our soul group?

I have also renewed "auld acquaitances" and have been wondering why so many people are doing the same thing simultaneously. My theory is that we are supposed to be meeting up with our soul group. So far, I don't see any karmic healing going on with these renewed friendships. Instead, I see the friendship renewals as allowing me to reclaim a part of myself that I had let go dormant. This is kind of related to what you said but not entirely; there were no bad vibes between the old friends and me that needed to be cleaned out or healed. My learning has been about how differently I acted and felt when younger.

[FirstLight]

7. I think you may have touched something...

The mirror that my old friends and lovers hold for me os the one of who I was before much of the "bad stuff" in my life happened. I want to remember that freedom and joyfulnes I used to have. I used to be quite sure of myself, at least it seemed that way.

and at the same time I get o heal the insecurities that existed LONG before any of my current lifetime drama took place.

I would like to think of reinforcing the relationships that mater and bringing them forward to the New Earth as part of my soul tribe... but I am also not atached to that ideal. I would much rather focus on my own process at this point. We'll se what sparks fly as the connections grow deeper....

[momzno1]

11. I wondered about that too

I like this idea. These are folks that I felt such a connection with at a young age, and the rekindling of friendships seems so right and effortless in some ways. These are the type of relationships that I have longed for all my life and at 46 I still feel like that teenage girl!

By the Way...I don't know if the person who anonymously gave me the heart is here, but I have not posted on any other forums in months, so...THANK YOU!

[MorningGlow]

10. It isn't just you, FL

At "our age" (ahem!) many of us feel the exact same way you're feeling now: mentally still a teenager, and shocked to see some old face looking back at us in the bathroom mirror (always a fright for me!); feeling inadequate, as though we've "failed" in our lives somehow, while thinking that our peers have done so much better and therefore are superior; and feeling like we haven't moved forward, haven't evolved, haven't learned anything for all of the emotional ups and downs and dramas we've experienced in our thirty-some-odd (*cough* forty-some-odd *cough*) years.

But if you flip all that around and look at it from a different point of view (however difficult it may be to hang from the ceiling to achieve that alternate perspective), namely that of the people who know you, you'll find plenty who think that you ARE a success and you have a lot going on that's to be envied: You're managing to raise your kids on your own. You got away from an unpleasant spouse (to put it mildly). You're working on your health with a therapist instead of letting yourself wallow. You're a WRITER, fergodssakes--do you know how many people envy our chosen profession?! It's ridiculous! Plus you're delving into your spirituality--something lots of people would like to do but don't have a clue how to start.

You have a lot of things to be proud of, FL. You have evolved, you have move forward, and you're still evolving. And you are strong--only a strong person would be able to handle all that without completely cracking up and spending weeks curled in a fetal position in a corner. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[FirstLight]

12. ...fetal position?....uh, yea...been there done that TOO! lol

I am moved as always by your words fellow twin writer...and the "old face" is not nearly as scary as the old BODY...!! :rofl:


Being flat on my back and in dreamstate has helped with flipping the perspective, AND recognizing that this old SOUL knows a thing or two about release and regret and revelation. i have been through far worse I am sure, and how lucky that i get to work on it while the planets vibration assists me...could you imagine how dense it was to live in the Dark Ages? sheez!

Yesterday as I was meditating on the old contracts, I decided to burn my journals. This is crazy important for me - because as a writer, that is an ERA of my writing and I played with different styles and such. But it is also very needy, very unstable and there's no real literary importance to save something for "posterty" that really is just so much rambling crap...

I'm not sure where I will cut the date. I could really just decide to wipe clean everything - but I may svae some things from when i was pregnant with my kids. still unsure what will end up in the fire at this point. But I look forward to the ritual. :)

New year, New birth, renewal, spring is on the way!

[MorningGlow]

13. OMG that is so brave

I have 10 years' worth of journals that I think about sometimes (but don't seek out to reread). Oddly enough, I STOPPED writing before I became pregnant and then never had time to start again, so I have no record of my son's early years, but I sure have a lot of youthful angst between those Mead notebook covers. UGH!!! Still, no matter how crappy the contents, I don't think I'd have the courage to burn mine. I do too much "what if"-ing--what if I decide they're valuable someday (yeah right!), what if my son wants them for posterity after I kick it (oh dear I don't think I want him reading some stuff..!), what if...blah blah blah.

I admire your commitment to a clean slate!

And let us not even GO THERE about what's going on below the neckline these days! :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared:

:rofl:

[Why Syzygy]

14. My son has instructions

to burn any journals left behind with my body. He won't be interested in reading them.

[FirstLight]

15. I have never questioned my intention to keep them

...until now. and the desire and was so strong and the mental picture of clearing those old contracts was so vivid I HAVE to do it!

besides...my writing will only get better with age & wisdom, eh?

or else I kid myelf that I am a writer and that my craft can't evolve...and for me that evolution means realizing that the old stuff has no value but embarassment!

[FirstLight]

16. I DID IT!!

everything from 1985 - 2000 is GONE!

fire's still burning, nothing left of the pages...and I am strangely weak in the knees...

and more than a little queasy too

but at the same time...really happy & excited

RELEASE!!!!!

[MorningGlow]

17. Congrats, FL!

Here's to new beginnings! :toast:

[Dover]

18. May I offer an observation, FirstLight?

I'm noticing something different in your tone, your voice, yout vibe....
my goodness you sound strong! Whatever is being healed also seems to be the source of
a very deep reservoir of strength. Wow! :hug: