My aunt expects to die soon--and I think that's what she wants (in a way)

[MorningGlow]

Yesterday I got the news that my aunt is having health problems: an enlarged kidney and an aortic aneurysm. I saw it as a good thing, really, because the body scan she had done caught both things before they became major problems. She'll be seeing specialists next week and the following week for each of those problems. As far as I can tell, the kidney problem is highly treatable, and the aneurysm...well, even if she has to have surgery, it's best to repair it before it bursts, and it's done all the time.

So. All good, right? Not so much.

My aunt, however, expects to die soon from one or both of these problems. In fact, while I was on the phone with her yesterday, she said she was going to go clean her house while she felt fine, and throw a lot of stuff out, "so you won't have to do it later."

Sigh. I love my aunt; back before she became a brainwashed conservative Republican (I have previously referred to her here on DU as "my fundie-Catholic, Bush-worshippin', Rush-lovin', O'Reilly- and Hannity-listenin' PITA aunt"), she was great--a fun, younger alternative to my very strict mother (her sister) who would give you the shirt off her back and every last thing in her pantry at the drop of a hat. But for the past couple of decades, ever since her husband died of cancer, she's become obsessed with death. She trolls the obits every day for people she knows, or even sort of knows, or is even RELATED TO someone she sort of knows--and she'll go to that person's funeral, without fail. She spends hours at the cemetery cleaning up the family gravesites. She is on the funeral committee at her church--I'm not sure what-all that entails other than helping with the funeral masses and sending letters of condolence from the parish, but it lets her spend more time with death.

Yeah, I've always considered it morbid, but if it consoles her and fills some sort of need for her, then who am I to judge? (Until she starts pushing it into my life, but that only happens when a family member dies--then she puts on her mantle of "professional mourner" and starts dictating which hymns should be played at the funeral mass. If this were a century ago, she'd be one of the keening old ladies in the parlor by the casket--for everybody in the parish.)

I feel so bad for her. I suspect she kind of wants to die, in a way. She's been fascinated by it for so long, and has been so close to the process for so long (without, I suspect, really understanding what passing means). And now, faced with her own mortality (she believes), she's just about packed it in. I realize she's scared. Anybody would be, in this case. And I will of course be there for her. But I don't know how to get through to her that lots of people face health problems more dire than hers...and live.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I just need to get this out, I suppose. Kind of a vent, kind of an analysis to figure out how she's thinking and how to help her...or whether I can or should help her at all... :(

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. Hold her in the light

that's the best thing you can do. That way, her higher self is nourished and she will more likely learn her lessons in a good way, as the Lakota people say.

I feel for you. I still remember when my grandmother decided it was time to die. It was Christmas of 1977, and she was in good health for someone in her 80s. But she was facing a move the next year--a move she didn't want to make. I could sense her intention, which was quite strong, and I knew she wouldn't be there to celebrate Christmas with the family the next year. In February, she fell and broke her ankle. Amazing as it may sound, she never recovered, and died in March.

I'll hold her-and you-in the light, if I have your permission.

[MorningGlow]

2. Yes, that's all I can do at this point

I recognize that if she's made up her mind, there's nothing anybody can do about it, but if I can help to lift her out of her depression, I certainly will try.

Thank you for your help, Ayesha. Of course you have my permission--and gratitude. :hug:

[Shallah Kali]

3. it sounds like she is stuck in a pain loop

unable to work though the initial trauma no matter how many times she reenacts it :( No release of the emotional charge so the rut just gets dug deeper. :cries: If it is OK I will send some Reiki her way so if she is willing on some level she can absorb it. I feel this might be a case where it would be useful to send to the loved ones that have crosssed over especially her husband. Again if you are ok with it I will send to their highselves & guides who can then pass it on to their person.

[MorningGlow]

4. That's a good term--"pain loop"

Her husband died in '91, and I watched her spiral out of control even before that (he suffered for eight years with prostate cancer, and she nursed him the whole time). I often said she should have gotten grief counseling, but she never did. Well, she was counseled by her church, but (at the risk of generalizing) I don't think I've ever seen a religion (Catholic) more out of touch with the death experience. And I can say this with some confidence, having been raised a Catholic. I don't know if it's because they're afraid of going to hell or what, but Catholics (in my experience) are TERRIFIED of passing. So I don't think she was served very well by the nuns and priests. I'm sure they did their best with what knowledge they have, of course.

Thank you for the offer of reiki for her and those who have passed (and I must admit we have a LOT of relatives who have passed)--please do. I value and respect your talents. :hug:

[Shallah Kali]

6. I feel like her husband is trying to get through to her

and has been for some time but can't. When I first read your post I immediately felt that and the urge to send him and others close to her on the otherside reiki. It is not a feeling that they are they are there to help her cross, just an urgent need to communicate. Maybe with a little energy more connected to this side like Reiki will help them help her in what ways they can. Don't know how much it will help but at least it can't hurt anyone to channel some Reiki in their general direction.

I am sorry your Aunt was not served better by her clergy and she didn't find help elsewhere. Going though what she did would make anyone need a lot of support. unfortunatly some seem better at helping people stay stuck with unresolved unreleased emotion instead of faciliating process and release :(

[OneGrassRoot]

5. I find it all so fascinating....

I feel for you and your aunt, MorningGlow. Observing a pattern such as this in one we love can be so painful.

Your aunt reminds me a lot of my grandmother, who is still alive, though barely; I personally believe she passed on already, late last week, and her body remains to offer a few healing and growth opportunities to family members.

My grandmother believed she was going to die for 40 years, specifically of cancer. Amazingly, she never did develop cancer. I thought for certain her BELIEF that she would, would indeed manifest this. But, no, that was not part of her path.

What I've observed in so many -- and, quite frankly, recognized in myself after the death of my infant son years ago -- is that they identify with the pain and grieving. It usually starts with the loss of someone close to them, like your uncle, and it's as though the survivor is afraid that, if they release the pain, they are somehow releasing the last vestige of the person. So, they identify with the pain...it becomes part of their identity.

I'm in a pure observation mode at this point and truly find human nature to be fascinating.

I wish you and your aunt and everyone a release from pain and grief and suffering, if that is for the highest good.

:grouphug:

[Shallah Kali]

7. I have seen that as well. It is as if they believe they are betraying the loved one

and if they will loose the final connection to them. I went though that when my Dad died. I felt guilty if I was happy for a moment, if something made me laugh. I had to keep reminding myself what my Father wanted most for his family was us to be happy not mourning him eternally so while it was a normal part of the grieving process for these feelings to come I needed to let them go.

[MorningGlow]

9. Thanks, OGR, for your good wishes

I've been thinking about your grandmother lately. I agree that she is already gone (or mostly there at least). I hope your family members achieve closure soon so she may sever the cord entirely and move on to bigger and better things. :hug:

My aunt also believes she is going to die of cancer. In fact, she is equating her enlarged kidney with my uncle's cancer, because he had an enlarged kidney too; she believes her doctor will find cancer when he looks closer at her kidney ailment. What she doesn't understand is that an enlarged kidney is caused by a blocked urinary tract that causes backup of waste into the kidney. That happened with my uncle because he had prostate cancer and his enlarged prostate or a tumor was pressing on his urinary tract, and the enlarged kidney was a secondary symptom of the cancer. They don't necessarily go hand in hand and I think I need to remind my aunt that she doesn't have a prostate to press on her urinary tract! ;)

She does indeed identify with grieving. It was the last thing she shared with my uncle, so she has perpetuated that emotion/process all these years. Unfortunately many people she knows have died since he passed, so she always has a "fresh source" for mourning emotions.

It is fascinating in its way, I agree--to see how the human mind functions when placed under great stress and emotional trauma.

I am sorry to hear about your son--I didn't know that. :hug:

[SheilaT]

8. How do you suppose she'll handle it if she

DOESN'T die soon?

I have a friend who a couple of years ago, at age 60, was saying things to the effect that she expected to die soon. Well, she is still very much with us, and her health is just fine. I'm not sure where that came from, other than her husband had died suddenly and unexpectedly about three years earlier, and I think she was missing him more than ever.

How old is your aunt?

[MorningGlow]

10. Interesting fact: My aunt likely WON'T die soon

The genes on that side of my family are legend. We're talking tough Sicilian stock--you gotta practically kill 'em off to get rid of 'em. My grandparents (her parents) were 96 and 94 when they died, minds sharp as tacks. Their bodies just wore out. (Actually, I've always believed that my grandfather died of grief after my grandmother died--he healed fine from a broken hip but passed only months after she did.) So even though my relatives are considered "elderly", they sure don't act like it.

My aunt is 80 and passes for 60--no lie. My mother is 84 and still works part-time and she only recently stopped babysitting MG Jr. on a regular basis because he started school. They both mow their own lawns, clean their own houses, still drive, are still strong, and are constantly out running around. Sharp as tacks. Their brother died a year and a half ago at age 87 from a lung ailment. (And guess what--my aunt nursed him through his illness.)

Anyway, I wonder if she's going to be disappointed if the doctors DON'T find cancer...