Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There

[bluedawg12]

Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down ThereMarch 30, 2009 | Issue 45•14


STOCKHOLM—In recognition of her groundbreaking work treating life- threatening diseases of the privates, renowned hoo-ha specialist Dr. Victoria Lazoff was awarded the Nobel Prize in Lady Medicine this week.



The hoo-ha doctor did not even blush once.

The hoo-ha doctor did not even blush once.
The world's foremost authority on ailments down south, Lazoff led a team of cutting-edge hoo-ha doctors to develop new strategies for detecting abnormal growth in...you know, that area. The accomplished physician humbly accepted medicine's highest honor before a crowd of her peers, and spoke about the importance of regular screenings to prevent unnecessary complications up inside one's business.

"Recent advancements have brought us closer than ever to eliminating this threat, but early detection is still our best defense," said Dr. Lazoff, who earned a doctorate in lady parts from Johns Hopkins University. "I thank you all for this great honor, which I hope will finally bring the world's attention to the serious matter of disease."
Attendees said Lazoff then presented a number of slides pertaining to the, uh, nether-type zone.

This marks the first time in more than 20 years that a Nobel Prize has been given to a physician who specializes in all that stuff downstairs. Committee members praised Lazoff for helping to stem the frightening epidemic, which last year killed more women than ta-ta and derriere cancer combined.



In many cases, Lazoff's methods have been able to prevent the spread of malignant cells from the inside of the um, geez, to the…more inside of...you know, the part that's sort of, uh….God, is it getting hot in here?


During the remarkably noninvasive procedure, targeted blasts of radiation are delivered to the, err, naughty region through a special, well, wand-like device that is—ahem—inserted near the, ho boy, "affected area."
You get the picture.

The treatment was also found to eliminate fibrous growths without causing nerve damage to the surrounding bits, the inside stuff, and that other thing that looks kind of like a rubber hoop. For these reasons, Lazoff's work has been heralded by many in her field as "invaluable" to modern medicine.


"Dr. Lazoff is a brilliant and dedicated physician who has saved countless lives with her research, and I can think of no one more deserving of this award," said noted pediatric oncologist Dr. Harold Brimson. "How many do you think she sees in a day? Must be a ton."


Accompanying the Nobel Prize is a $1.4 million grant that, according to medical experts, can buy Lazoff a lot of those metal spreader thingies. But the talented physician told reporters she is not interested in monetary reward, and only hopes to educate at-risk women about their own vag—genit—about their health.
"We should be encouraging an open dialogue with our young women, one that isn't constrained by some outdated facade of 1950s morality," Lazoff said to a crowd of people looking down at their shoes. "I cannot say this clearly enough: Ladies, please, make an appointment to get your annual , especially if you are or have experienced pain or sensitivity in your <'Hello, my baby! Hello, my darling! Hello, my ragtime gal!'>."


Added Lazoff, "It is time for this country to begin having a frank discussion about the ."


Next week:

WASHINGTON—"What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?" blurted out a distraught Obama, in the middle of a briefing on Iranian drone planes. more»

[Heddi]

1. Ha!

that's funny....did you write it?

[lizerdbits]

3. It was from the Onion, I think on Monday. NT

[bluedawg12]

6. My bad, from the ONION! Posting late again and

I thought I put the link on the bottom, instead it was the link to the jpeg pic. :eyes:

Anyway, it is the very funny Onion and props to them, I did not write it, but, with all of the talk of Orbies

and Vahina's I thought this would be the right crowd! :rfol:

[mr blur]

2. They chose a good day to award it. (nt)

[trotsky]

4. This is great, but I hope it doesn't take away funding for studying ding-dongs. n/t

[SidDithers]

5. That's hilarious...

"doctorate in lady parts" :rofl:

Thanks for posting :)

Sid

[bluedawg12]

7. I love all of the ah..ahem *cough* euphemisms

Glad you got a chuckle! :rofl:

[LeftishBrit]

8. That's hysterical...

reminds me a bit of the style of the teacher who tried to give us the Sex Education Talks at our (all-girls) school in the mid-70s!

Thanks for posting!

[Heddi]

9. While taking my pre-req's for Nursing School

I took Intro to Anatomy & Physiology before the actual Anatomy and Physiology classes.

There was a real tight-ass woman in the class that just had a problem with everything but hoooo boy did she flip out when we were learning about the parts of the male and female reproductive system.

See, she didn't like that we were being taught, and "forced" to memorize words like clitoris, penis, vagina, labia, testicles, etc.

She actually stood up in class one day and said "We are here for Anatomy & Physiology, *NOT* Sex Ed!!!" and throughout the rest of the quarter HONESTLY USED the terms "girl parts" and "boy parts". When the teacher, a very patient man I must say, reminded her that there were NUMEROUS girl and boy parts and that she really needed to be more specific and use the proper anatomical terms, she called the penis a "wee-wee" and the vagina a "coochie".

I am serious.

And this was a 50-something year old woman.

In a college class.

And she could not say the words "vagina" "penis" "clitoris" "Labia" "testicles" out loud to save. her. soul.

She did not pass the class.

...coochie. HA!

[moggie]

10. This is actually the plot of an episode of "Scrubs"

Are you sure you're not living in sitcom land?

[Heddi]

11. No way! Amazingly enough

being a nurse, I never ever watch any show related to medicine, aside from Trauma Life IN the ER on TLC (not any more b/c they're all re-runs). I have watched one episode of each and I found them so ridiculously erroneous as to be distracting. House is just....ugh. The fucking ridiculous cases that show has makes MY life and the life of SO MANY RN's and MD's HELLLLLL. "Oh, doctor, are you sure my numb little toe isn't because of a golf-ball sized tumor on the hidden organ that was left over from my parasitic twin that died inside of me 20 years ago? I only ask because last night on House, one of the patients had a numb little toe and it was because of a golf-ball sized tumour on the hidden organ that was left over from her parasitic twin that died inside of her 20 years earlier...."

oy.

Same with Gray's Anatomy. Girl sucks in water. Girl gets ridiculous CPR that is so clinically incorrect as to be laughable. Girl gets intubated. Girl gets extubated and 4 minutes after extubation is sitting up, laughing, talking with family and eating lobster. Yeah. That's JUST how it happens :not:

I wonder if people have such a hard time with hospitalization because of the complete fabrication of dramatization we have been subjected too via television and movies? Hospitals are dirty nasty places full of sick and dying people who cough and vomit and shit all over the place. People in hospitals are dirty and unbathed. They have tubes coming from every orifice and those orifices aren't smelling too good. If they're in the ICU there is blood and snot all over their ET tubes. There is constantly the smell of poo in the air.

TV shows about medicine are not my style. Sorry for the rant, I know you were joking. I am almost done with a 12-hour night shift with the neediest patient on the planet who will NOT anticipate future needs and either screams out my name every 2 minutes or calls every 3 mintues because she needs her pinky moved 2 cm to the left, then 1/2 cm to teh right, then another 1/2 cm to the right....now please fluff my pillow...my toe is numb, do you think it's because of a golf-ball sized tumor on the hidden organ that was left over from my parasitic twin that died inside of me 20 years ago? I only ask because last night on House, one of the patients had a numb little toe and it was because of a golf-ball sized tumour on the hidden organ that was left over from her parasitic twin that died inside of her 20 years earlier....

[bluedawg12]

13. Nuuuuurse!

Please readjust my pinky toe. :P


:evilgrin: :evilgrin: :evilgrin: :evilgrin:

[Heddi]

14. No...even better

HEATHERRRRRRRRRRRRRR help oh god help please help HEATHER HEATHER HEATHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

me, running in: What what's wrong are you okay :pant pant pant:

Her: oh...yes....can you uncross my legs?

Me: can't you uncross your legs yourself?

Her: Oh, I suppose I can but I thought you could do it better...sigh....

Me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[bluedawg12]

16. That's what all of those years of training and experience are for!

Expertise in the readjustment of limbs per comfort, P.R.N.

:evilgrin:

[moggie]

19. What?? TV isn't realistic?

Every time I've seen something I have expertise in on TV, it's been wrong, so I tend to assume that everything on TV is bogus until proved otherwise. But at least Scrubs doesn't pretend to be realistic, and has generous quantities of snark.

Elliot's euphemisms:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGol5n1YT4w

[TZ]

18. lol..actually I know people in the medical field

Who swear that Scrubs is the MOST realistic portrayal of what its like to be a resident on TV...:)

[bluedawg12]

12. That famous Broadway show

The Coochina Monologues :rofl:

[bluedawg12]

15. OK here's my war story :)

I'm sitting writing orders one day next to a colleague, a big old Irish Catholic boy, and I can hear him dictate an H&P.

Now, I know the case, it was the talk of the day on the scuttlebutt express. A woman injured in a motorcyle crash with some fractures and a pretty bad laceration around the external genitalia. Eeeeewww! Ouch!

I'm busy pretending to do my work cause I can hear him and I know he is working his way down to the genital tragedy.

He's like:
Neck: supple. Non tender.
Chest: Lungs clear.
Abdomen: benign, non tender.
Extremeties crepitation, tenderness, right patella. Knee +2 effusion. Unable to perform an SLR.
She uh....*he pauses*....

I fake writing, my left ear twitching to hear, evil chuckle inside stiffled.

He tries again to describe the labial lacerations with me sitting next to him.

She has a...uh....laceration....**MY ears perk up! How is going to described this???**

She has...ah...a laceration of her perineal situation.

Perineal situation!?? :rofl:

"Yes, Ms. XYsmithereen, we did do an I&D and repair and your perineal situation is as good as new!" :rofl:


Lawdy, lawdy, I do so enjoy a good euphemism.

.......

It could start a whole new trend: Ex: Marines in Basra.

Commander we have problems!

Insurgents?

No, worse!

Mortars?

Worse!

Worse? What then?

We have a perineal situation!!!

Noooooo! That bad? Sending Apaches now!!!!!!!

[uppityperson]

17. driving in car with 8 yr olds, telling "bad" jokes in back seat

I was listening in and said "do you mean his penis? just checking to make sure I understand your joke" to absolute silence. Finally, UPJr pipes up "that's what we call it in our house, my mom's a nurse".

Seems "girl parts" and "boy parts" are focusing more on "sex ed" than just A&P med terminology. Good grief, that is one of the reasons we use those words, to have it just be anatomy.

"coochie"? heh

[bluedawg12]

20. LOL! So true UP

by creating these euphemisms, we make them sound more mysterious and odd.

Which is strange, since everyone has one kind of dingleberry or another! :rofl: