I have a question about Swine Flu and I hope y'all can help a girl out

[Heddi]

I work in a hospital because I am a nurse (as nearly everyone in the solar system knows because I say it in nearly every post).

The hospital I work at is a teaching hospital that is affiliated with the largest public university in the state, and has a "sister" hospital on the other side of town.

All day today we have been bombarded with messages in our inbox (and by "bombarded" I mean "received 2 in a 12 hour period") about what Swine Flu is and isn't, what the risk is, blah blah blah.

So this is the gist of the emails:
No one in our state has it (pork flu)
so shut up and wash your hands.
oh and no raises this year because of budget cuts. So wash your hands, but, uh, go gentle on the soap, okay, that shit costs money.

Okay. I get that part. But my hospital is also a community hospital, so we get really vunerable populations: inmates, homeless, drug-and alcohol addicted, prostitutes, immigrants, etc.

So I have no fear that I will get swine flu at some point in time. I base this on nothing other than the fact that I am exposed to multiple drug resistant Tuberculosis on a daily fucking basis, and undoubtedly have more MRSA than the micro lab.

So this is my question:

When I get Pig Flu, will I emit a smoky, yet delicious and hard to resist bacon odor? Will my slightly salty yet totally delectable porcine sachet bring all the boys to the yard?

WHY HASN'T THE MEDIA ADDRESSED THIS PRESSING ISSUE omgwtf lol

[uppityperson]

1. one might almost think you are not taking this seriously

if one were to listen to the orbes.

[Heddi]

2. Oh yah serious schmerious

I just wanna know whether I can use my toes as those little mini sausages they have in the chaffing dishes at Shriner get-togethers? mmmm lil' smokies. They are so tasty, and that sauce they are in...yum!

oh yeah and HysteriHeddi hasn't gotten wind of this swine flu thing yet...shhhh. She and the orbes are still, uh, doing whatever the hell it is that they do. Being impregnated or some shit. Don't worry...she'll awaken from her phenobarbitol-induced coma soon enough, and will glady do her part to spread hysteria and mayhem across the world, as always.

[dropkickpa]

3. I'm really hungry now

And the cafeteria at the hospital across the street always manages to fuck up the bacon. Soggy AND burnt?!?!? WTF?? I think it's a fucking conspiracy of the corn lobby to fuck up my bacon luvin.

[Orrex]

4. If you don't emit a delicious bacon scent already, you probably won't later, either

And don't kid yourself--it's not the bacon scent that brings all the boys to the yard. :evilgrin:

[Heddi]

13. then I know what it is

it's my bew bees, huh?

[TZ]

5. Now wait since this isn't really swine flu per se

But a mutant swine-bird-people influenza, I expect you will smell a little bit like KFC as well...:P

[Deep13]

6. Yes. You will need to find someone who smells like applesauce. nt

[moggie]

7. As a vegetarian, am I immune?

All of you murderous bastards deserve to die, obviously, but I haven't eaten pig since 1984. The piggies wouldn't hurt me, right?

[Codeine]

10. No way. To us vegetarian/vegan types

she'll smell like Bac-Os. Who can resist Bac-Os?

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41PZ85KJSFL._SL500_AA280_PIbundle-6,TopRight,0,0_AA280_SH20_.jpg

[Heddi]

15. are bacos Vegan?

Yummy

[realisticphish]

16. i don't think they're even organic

:D

[bluedawg12]

17. They're genetically

engineered pig-o-bits. :P

[Codeine]

19. They are, strange as that might seem.

I love them -- I've been known to make a Bac-Os, lettuce, tomato sandwich from time to time.

[bluedawg12]

8. The piggy virus is neurotropic

and will effect your new and yet fragile, porcine emotions, you will find yourself strangely attracted to Ms. Piggy and PorkyPig and have an uncontrollable urge for a menage a' trois a' pig.

:evilgrin:

[Warpy]

9. I too am colonized by every pathogen known to man

but I could always count on getting every cold and flu that came down the road from some ASSHOLE of a co worker who would come in sick and hack over every telephone and computer keyboard for 12 hours so s/he could collect a check for unused sick leave at the end of the year.

I'm not working now, so I'll escape the embarrassment caused by this flu's ability to produce an overwhelming urge to grunt and root with my nose for truffles.

[mr blur]

11. You're a *nurse*?!! OMG

How come Big Pharma hasn't let you in on the plot?

[kimmerspixelated]

14. Maybe they don't think she can keep a secret.

[cosmik debris]

12. I suspect that you will smell more like a Honey Baked HAM! n/t

[salvorhardin]

18. All I can say is...

Avoid those Mexican pigs. You know what they're like.

[onager]

20. Avoid Middle Eastern pigs, too.

Every once in a while, some idiot comes along and drives a gaggle of demons into them. And they go over a cliff or something. I read it somewhere, so I know it's true.

Over in LBN, there were several news stories about Egypt slaughtering ALL the pigs in the country.

That probably doesn't have much to do with Swine Flu, but it makes a dandy excuse. As most of you know, I just came back from several years in Egypt, which is 95% Muslim. Some of the Muslims have been trying to wipe out those Egyptian pig farms for YEARS. They hate them because pigs are Officially Unclean Animals and piss off Allah. (The articles I read only mentioned 1 big pig farm, north of Cairo. But I always heard there were at least 2 big swine farms in the country.)

Funny, but dogs are Officially Unclean Animals too. Yet Egyptian farmers use them just as you'd expect--for herding sheep and goats. I always got a kick out of watching that. The little lambs and kids couldn't keep up with the herd, simply because their legs were shorter. They were always behind, and the herd dogs were usually right there to nuzzle and yap them along.

The really funny thing was that I never saw a dog treated as a pet, in the Western sense--taking care of them, feeding them regularly, etc. When they weren't on Herd Duty, they just sort of wandered around in packs. (I'm sure some Egyptians did keep them as pets. Just saying I never saw it, but I'm only one person etc.)

The Egyptians at my job site used to feed some of the dogs scraps and leftovers. So a big pack formed, and I used to run into the dogs occasionally when I was doing job stuff. They would just run toward me barking, then stop when I yelled at them.

Unfortunately, rabid dogs were a real threat over there. Being farm country, the Nile Delta has a big population of rabies carriers like wild foxes. And LOTS of big, ugly rats.

[uppityperson]

21. When you get pig flu, you will fart when you sneeze and it will sound like "oink"

the bacon odor is optional