So lemme tell ya about a patient I saw recently

[Heddi]

So I'm in the ER these days...really liking it.

(for those of you not in the know, I'm an R.N. Registered Nurse! Shocking, I know!)

Anyway.

So I'm in the ER--the front line of the sickies..

Oh and I'm also in Florida. The weather has been beautiful...sunny, warm in the 80's. Ah, spring!

Anyway, so this 70-something lady comes in and I read her triage note (haven't seen her): "Chest pain and fluttering while sitting outside today. Noticed legs swelling while sitting at the pool"

So I go in...low and behold it's a..well, I don't know.

Firstly she was so full of silicone...she looked so fake. She didn't look a day less than her age, just like someone who was 74 and filled with silicone. It looked really silly, kind of like this lady:



And I'm not being facetious. She was really hideous and had *many* plastic surgery procedures over the years and many of them were still fresh.

Secondly, she was very tanned. *very* tanned. I remarked to one of my co-workers that she looked like a saddle with tits. Large, round, hard boobies.

But whatever--it's Florida and I don't care what people spend their money on, especially if it's entertainment for me and my overworked, underpaid coworkers.

So she's in a hospital gown and keeps asking for a blanket---btw she's very disjointed in her speech. Here, there, everywhere. "Hi I'm Reverend Alice, and oh what a nice necklace and man my feet hurt and what a nice day it is wow those shoes look comfortable have you ever been to Mexico what did you say your name was did I tell you that my grandmother was a cherokee princess oh my and the dogs in my complex are really noisy these days....."

I realize that she had come in to the ER wearing nothing but a string bikini. That's why she was cold, right? Just a string bikini, fake boobies hanging all over the place....she had a walker that had all kinds of pictures of animals and angels taped to it.


At this point I've been in the room for ~~5 minutes, haven't figured out what's wrong with her, can't get a word in edgewise in her word salad rambling speech.

Finally I interrupt her and ask her what brought her in today.

"Well, these dogs at my complex were in a fight on Sunday and I broke it up. I'm the dog whisperer, like Ceasar Milan, only I'm the angel whisperer, you've got an angel. My great-great-great-great grandmother was a navajo princess, that's the Dakota indians. They're the Apache indians. Many people don't know that but..."

I have to interrupt her again... "So the dogs bit you and that's why your legs are swollen? Can you tell me about your chest pain?"

"Oh no, the dogs don't bite. That was on Easter, the day of our lord. I don't know why they fight, they should love, and they tell me they want to love, but they can't. The angels tell me that. The dogs just want to love. I wear alot of necklaces and jewelery that is magical, that's what alot of these necklaces are, they're mag---"

Me: "Okay...so the dogs are really interesting, but I need you to tell me about why you came to the hospital. I need to know about your chest pain. I'm going to go ahead and also start an IV and get some labs so we can figure out what's going on..."

Her: Oh no, I don't believe in that. I don't believe in Medicine. I haven't seen a doctor in one year one month one day and one hour and one minute. Down to the minute I haven't seen a doctor and look at me (I do. I see legs and feet that are red and swollen, probably has some congestive heart failure. Definitely has some circulation issues because of the discoloration to her lower legs. She has some mental illness issues that are going on. She can't walk very well ((use of a walker)). She smells like cigarettes. There is clubbing to her fingers, another sign of circulation issues...)

Her (as I'm trying to start the IV): You're not going to give me medicine in there are you? I have a say on what medicine you give me right? I don't have to take medicine do I?

Me: well, we might offer you medication depending on what's wrong. You're not required to take anything you don't want to, although I'm interested as to why you came to the ER for your problems that you're still not telling me about if you're not interested in telling us about your problems or getting them treated....so what kind of medicine do you not want to take?

Her: Oh, well no pain medicine, and nothing that is going to affect me centrally (??). I believe in God's love, and that keeps me well. Just look at me! (I do, again). Nothing that acts centrally. Nothing that will affect me, as I am

Me, thinking to myself: I have no idea what you just fucking said.

Me, outloud: So do you take any medicines on a regular basis, any supplements or anything?

Her: OH yes, tons!

Me: can you give me a list? Do you have a list with you?

Her: Oh, I can tell you---Indian Remedies. Native american remedies. These are secret things, I can't tell you but I can tell you they WORK. look at me! Also God's Love. It has done miracles for me,you can see, because I haven't seen a doctor in one year, one month, one day, one hour and one minute. Down to the minute I haven't seen a medical professional!!! It's from god's love. And the SUn. The sun is healing. It is the most natural thing. Nothing bad happens with it and look at me! Look at how healthy it makes me! I am glowing, just like the sun and the angels. They call me the dog whisperer, like cesar milan, but with angels. I talk to angels, and they tell me how to stay healthy through love and remedies and the sun. It works because I haven't seen a doctor in one year one month one day one hour one minute! Down to the minute I haven't seen a doctor.

Me..putting down the IV set...walking out of the room...Uh, okay the dr will be in soon....

--------------

Yeah, so that's what I deal with. A lady whose medication list includes God's Love and the Sun.

I know the story wasn't very interesting, but really, eveyrone at work just thought she was nutty but they didn't understand *how* nutty.

Oh, and come to find out, one of her "Indian Remedies" was that Native American Cigarette...I can't think of the name. Anyway, she smokes A LOT and the doctor was like, but that's not natural! And she says 'Oh yes it is, it is made by an Indian company, and it is against the law for Indians to misrepresent. They are all natural" and the doctor says "Oh yes, I can assure you that there is nothing more natural than lung cancer and emphysema" and she says "No, these are special Indian tobacco, it is not dangerous" ha ha ha.

The doctor says "So everything natural is good then?"

She says "Obviously so"

so he asks her about a medicine that's made from a bark of the yew tree. She agrees that anything that's made from a tree is healthy and natural and has no bad side effects.

He goes on to tell her that it's used in chemotherapy, and is one of the most toxic substances around if used improperly. Properly used, it kills cancer cells. Improperly used, it causes great toxicity and death. She said "Oh, well, that's not real then because Natural is never bad"

I wanted to ask her if she ever frequented any political message boards....

[lazarus]

1. Natural American Spirit

that's the cigarette brand. There was a controversy when they started advertising in the Nation a while back.

That lady is a loon. People like that are almost (not quite!) enough to make me think we need a citizenship test to vote.

[laconicsax]

2. What does she post as in the Health forum?

[mr blur]

3. Well, you certainly earn your money! As an aside -

is that a picture of that weirdo woman who keeps having surgery to make her look more like an animal? A lion or something? Well, it's not working.

[realisticphish]

4. there's always something horrifying and pathetic about these people

most women age perfectly fine; there are plenty of women in their 50's or 60's who are attractive.

But these women look like someone took a barbie mold, then filled it with salami. Older women who look like older attractive women: attractive. Older women who try to look like like they're 22: terrifying.

It's also a commentary on plastic surgery. Surgical augmentations that look fine when you're fit in your mid 20's starts to look misshapen and disturbing as time goes by

[Codeine]

5. She was distraught

over her recent tombstoning. :evilgrin:

[TZ]

6. LOL

Isn't aging natural? And putting SILICONE in your body is natural? These people can't even be consistent with their lunacy....

[trotsky]

7. F'ing A.

Woo lunacy in the "flesh." Navajo = Dakota = Apache? She'd better go inform the nation's Anthropology experts of this.

[Deep13]

8. She needs a psych evaluation.

But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that since it's pretty damn obviouse. If she doesn't believe in medication, WTF is she doing in a hospital?

[trotsky]

9. EVERYONE SHOULD BE FREE TO MAKE THEIR OWN MEDICAL CHOICES!!! ZOMGWTFBBQ!

What are you, some kind of Nazi??!?

[Deep13]

10. Yes, of the grammar variety.

Everyone should be free to make HER own medical choices. :evilgrin: :hide:

[trotsky]

11. Eat it, Grammar Nazi!

http://motivatedgrammar.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/singular-they-and-the-many-reasons-why-its-correct/

:P

[Deep13]

12. But it's everyONE. **tantrum thrown**

:bounce: :cry:

[Warpy]

15. Yes, it sounds very much like a fluent aphasia

but a lot of psychobabblers do the same general thing.

I'd be doing a neuro check along with everything else.

[HereSince1628]

17. What the heck is "ZOMGWTFBBQ!?"

I might, maybe even probably, agree with you. But I can't make sense of that.

[realisticphish]

18. ahem

"zomg" comes from OMG, where someone accidentally hits z instead of shift to type the capital O. indicates a sarcastic use

wtf is, well, wtf

bbq is just to add another acronym

[HereSince1628]

19. Sorry to show my age

Keep that shit off my lawn. :rofl:

[realisticphish]

20. honestly

i'm 24, and i had to look up the zomg part. or at least the "z"

www.urbandictionary.com is your friend :D

[SheilaT]

13. Oh, yes, those Natural American

Indian Cigarettes. Or whatever they are.

That company has offices in my city. They permit smoking of their product at the workplace. I used to work outpatient registration for the local hospital. Twice in the short time I worked there I had company employees who themselves did not smoke, be there for evaluation of respiratory issues.

[Warpy]

14. Oh, gawd, you should see them in New Mexico

especially the ones from around Santa Fe or Taos. Mostly, they're people who made it in ad agencies or brokerages in either NYC or LA and decided to retire early in NM and get spiritual. The stream of psychobabble is endless and it's really tough to penetrate it to find out what hurts and/or why they were frightened enough to come to an ER.

Mostly you just have to smile and nod while you hook up the monitors and draw the blood and hope the combination will give you a clue because your New Age patient sure as hell won't.

[progressoid]

16. I beg to differ with this statement:

"I know the story wasn't very interesting"

Best thing I've read all day!