"Save $100 on your colon cleansing!"

[EvolveOrConvolve]

I was waiting around the pharmacy for my annual pharma-shill check (okay, I was really just filling a prescription), and started checking out the little pamphlets they have all over the shelves. One of the pamphlets caught my eye because it had a smokin' hot Asian model on the cover. I pulled it out and started reading about the miracles of colon cleansing. Mostly I was just imagining the hot cover model with a plastic tube up her butt spewing shit out into some new-age machine during her "cleansing". The other customers and employees at the pharmacy probably thought I was completely nutso because of all the giggling emanating from my corner.

Anyway, did you know:
1. You can lose 6-8 pounds a week with regular colon cleansings?
2. The average person has 20 or more pounds of "toxic sludge" inside of their colon?
3. Colon cleansing can cure acne?
4. Many cases of depression are caused by a build-up of "toxic sludge"?
5. Getting a colon cleansing can help your performance in bed? (this one really made me giggle like a mad-man)
6. This company specializes in colon cleansing, Reiki, Traditional Chinese Medicine, acupuncture, and (get this) all natural physical therapeutic methods. What is that? Chiropracty with a hand-job at the end? I don't get it...
7. They also offered "all natural" meal and diet planning. I guess kind of like a Jenny Craig program for woo-woos.

If they're offering a $100 discount, how damn expensive is the procedure at the regular price? Did they think that the discount would be an incentive to try their cleansing procedure once in the hope that I'd be so delighted with the rectal reaming I received that I would sign up for regular butt plunges? I've had a colonoscopy, and I don't think my tender butt parts could handle a weekly dose of that kind of abuse.

There were more, but my shill check (prescription) was ready to go. I put the pamphlet down on the counter and told the pharmacy tech that they need to screen the material in their reading section better so that someone doesn't get killed.

[onager]

1. We're getting similar TV commercials, in L.A.

Annoying as hell, especially when I'm tucking into my chili dog or burrito.

"EVEN IF YOU HAVE REGULAR BOWEL MOVEMENTS...DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE AS MUCH AS X POUNDS OF FECAL MATTER STILL IN YOUR SYSTEM?"

Not sure, but I think they sneak the word "homeopathic" into the commercials somewhere. I see so many quack commercials, I may be confusing it with a different one.

In fact, what I call "TMI commercials" in general just piss me off, and make me hit the MUTE button quicker than a donation appeal from Benny Hinn. I don't want to hear about some geezer's erectile problems. Or the geezerette equivalent, Zestra or whatever it's called. Which IIRC is also hawked as "homeopathic."

I was also going to mention colonoscopy, but you beat me to it. I had one of those last year. When they showed me the photos, I said: "Wow! Screen caps from Fox News!"

Maybe we can sell the idiots a 100% natural, foolproof, ancient Asian system of weight loss: hari-kari.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

2. Luckily in my neck of the woods, we don't get a lot of woo

There are too many fundies and mormons in my area, and they don't put up with evil voodoo devil crap that the woos are peddling (except the homeopathy - they LOVE that stuff). Unfortunately, the few liberal enclaves in town are infested with the woo-industry. There's something about all this magical shit that liberals seem to love. I just don't get it.

What we do have a lot of are those Asian "massage" places. They seem to be popping up on every corner - gives all the repressed Republicans a place to get off and earn some guilt at the same time. A friend once told me that if an Asian massage parlor has the name of a fruit or food in it, then they're probably into the extra-curricular sex business. "Cherry's Massage Palace", "Candy's Hong Kong Massage Therapy", "Coconuts' Healing Touch", etc. Needless to say, I no longer eat at Applebee's.