Ten rules for writing New Age Jargon.

[laconicsax]

Found this on a website with instructions on how to make an German equatorial mount:

Ten rules for writing New Age Jargon in order to market books or articles that sound really intelligent and profound!
With exercises for the student!

Ambiguity is wonderful in poetry or some styles of fiction (like stream-of-consciousness writings). In poetry, it can be powerful because it suggests added layers of meaning that are not directly stated. Poets thrive on ambiguity--it's creative. It's easy to learn to do the same thing to make your writing sound more intelligent or more important than it really is, or to disguise the fact that your text has no real content. This is exactly what you want if you are to be a successful New Age Guru! Here are ten rules to guide your writing. (The examples were taken from actual New Age websites!)

1. Leave out the noun after the verb, for instance Crystal interferometry will allow you to link interconnectedly and experience cosmic order. "Link" here is followed by an adverb, which usually modifies a noun. But there's no noun in this sentence. Link with what? And by the way, what is cosmic order? This sentence will mean ten different things to ten different readers, which is exactly what you want. Great ambiguity here!

...

3. Sentence B should never be a logical sequel to sentence A. Leave it to the reader to make whatever connection they want. Example: We all know that sea water contains salt, and the human body contains salt and is 70% water. It follows that if the forces of the Moon can bring changes in the tides, it can also bring changes in our body and mind. This is a fine example of fuzzy logic. Learn it well!

...

Exercise 3 (10 points)

Use some (or even better, all) of the following words in a sentence in such a way that it is impossible to decipher what the writer is trying to say. Remember to create adverbs and leave out nouns:
ascended
astral (best when followed by a dash)
energize or empower
shift
paradigm
phase
superconscient.

http://home.fuse.net/astronomy/new_age_writing.html

[LeftishBrit]

1. ROFL!!!

:rofl:

[Odin2005]

2. That's awesome!

:rofl:

[trotsky]

3. LMAO

That list of words is found in almost every post in ASAH!

[Orrex]

4. Wait. What?

Leave out the noun after the verb, for instance Crystal interferometry will allow you to link interconnectedly and experience cosmic order. "Link" here is followed by an adverb, which usually modifies a noun.

Adverb usually modifies a noun, eh? I must've missed that lesson. Or else the author doesn't understand what adverbs are supposed to do, or maybe what nouns are.


Funny stuff, but I also think it would have been better if they'd shown an example of each rule. Rules 4, 8, and 9 have no listed examples, for instance.

[Deep13]

6. Good catch.

Adverbs modify verbs, other adverbs or adjectives. Adnouns modify nouns. Duh! :crazy:

[Warpy]

7. More proof that reading New Age crapola will rot your brain, I guess

That one bothered me, too. It's an example of a redundancy (link/interconnect) but I've found that's also a hallmark of New Age BS since they like to jam as many buzzwords into a sentence as possible.

[laconicsax]

9. Yeah, I've been trying to figure that one out.

Nearest I can figure, the rule should read "replace nouns with adverbs."

[Deep13]

5. Do you have a link to the German equatorial mount site?

Considering options for my 8" Newt. Thanks.

[laconicsax]

8. It's on the same site

http://home.fuse.net/astronomy/gem.html

He uses it with a big 8" f/8 newt. It's on a homemade pier and fixed at 45°.

[Deep13]

10. Interesting. Thanks.

I'd have to figure out how to fix it at 43 degrees. My scope is f/6 in a 10" sonotube for ventilation.

[laconicsax]

11. I would imagine that you could make the pier with a 2° tilt.

It'd just be a matter of keeping it balanced or supported to keep from tipping over.

[Dr. Strange]

12. Let's do this thing.

Given the proper shift to the more modern paradigm of astral-topology¹, it is not difficult to understand why more and more mathematicians² have ascended to what can only be described as "empowered mathematics³." This leads any moderately intelligent citizen to contemplatize⁴ the inevitable interconnectedness of all of the Stooges⁵, and more importantly, to epiphanate⁶ the inescapable fact that Moe⁷ was nothing less than a sociological⁸ messiah⁹.


1. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=104x4281660
2. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8255346
3. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=214x81569
4. http://home.surewest.net/dzogvigzboli/Disquisition1.html
5. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x2981608
6. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=283&topic_id=711
7. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7582087
8. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=user_profiles&u_id=204827
9. ibid


So, how'd I do?

[TZ]

13. win.

Thread over. :rofl: You have a real talent there Doc!

[laconicsax]

14. Top-notch work.

Just replace a few nouns with adverbs, and you'll have a veritable masterpiece.