My son who has lost most of his face - unbelievable discrimination

[Dirty Hippie]

I am so frustrated.

Almost 3 years ago my son tried to commit suicide - with a gun. Miraculously, he survived and did not suffer brain injury. However, most of his face is gone.

Since the incident, he has exhibited extraordinary courage and determination to rebuild his life.
Not content to be idle, he has pursed his interest in sound engineering and is eager to get gigs with local bands.

Unfortunately, he faces an uphill battle. Club owners don't want him in their clubs (he has been told this) and bands *mysteriously* are no longer interested once they see him.

I cannot find the words to express my sadness.

[Tace]

1. Sad Story

Is there some kind of mask he can wear that will hide the disfiguration? I'm so sorry to read about this.

[Dirty Hippie]

3. He is too proud

I've gently suggested it and he is adamant that he will not do it.

The *good* news is that eventually he will have a prosthesis that will improve his appearance.

But he has to get through the surgeries first.

It is a long road.

[Tace]

9. It Occurs To Me That The Problem Appears To Be Two-Fold

One, he's disfigured. Appearances do matter, especially in entertainment, clubs, bars, restaurants, etc. But, after a little thought, it occurs to me that there may be a bigger underlying challenge he faces -- overcoming the stigma of attempting suicide.

I never thought about this too much until I read about the death of Vince Welnick, former Grateful Dead keyboardist. I was reading that he was shunned by the remaining band members when Garcia died, and that it was severely disappointing to him. Then, I was reading on John Barlow's blog

http://barlow.typepad.com/barlowfriendz/2006/06/alas_vince_weln.html

about how, the way Barlow tells it, Welnick attempted suicide and that's what led him to be shunned. Read the stuff in the blog link about the caribu herd. So Welnick was double-fucked. He was depressed because Jerry died, attempted suicide, then found himself shunned by his beloved bandmates because he did. He finally succeeded last week.

If he's too proud to try wearing a mask, he may be too proud to try a fib, but he could devise a cover story. For example, the gun went off accidently while he was handling it, or cleaning it, or something.

I dunno. I'm just trying to be helpful. : )

On Edit: Fixing syntax

[Dirty Hippie]

12. He normally does not tell people it was suicide.

Most people don't ask. I think a lot of people assume he was wounded in the military or in a car accident.

I know there is not a *solution* to this problem. I just felt I needed to vent.

I appreciate all of the encouraging words and suggestions

[Evergreen Emerald]

2. oh my.

He has a tough rode ahead. It is quite a testament to him that he was able to rebuild his life as he has. It must have been (be) very difficult. What courage.

[skipos]

4. What town does he work in?

[Dirty Hippie]

5. Tallahassee - But he would travel within driving distance

[skipos]

8. Sorry, I know some people in live music, but no one anywhere

near that part of the country. I am not sure what I could do even I lived in your town, as I don't have any clout anyway. It obviously is going to be very hard for him in any profession, but the music industry is particularly superficial. The music industry in general is in really tough shape... CD sales go down every year, the touring industry is going down, recording studios are closing down, etc. Everything is extra competitive. My advice to anyone interested in music, disabilites or not, is to try as many different avenues as possible, try to be a songwriter, studio musician, engineer, whatever remotely interests you. You never know when you will get a break and who will give it to you. I wish I had better advice....

[Dirty Hippie]

10. Thanks, I'll pass it on.

[niallmac]

6. Sorry to hear he has yet more hurdles.

I suspect by now he has gained some kind of determination we can barely imagine.
I work in the health field and I recognize that sometimes I have an initial avoidance reaction
of anyone who reminds me too starkly of my own mortality. That passes
and of course these people become true jewels of insight and a joy to know.

There is no reason to think people in the entertainment industry are deep vessels
of wisdom and compassion initially but I believe that given time, people can relax
and exercise their humanity.

I will send my encouragement vibes his way.

[Dirty Hippie]

7. The odd thing is that most people seem fine

a few minutes after meeting him. But people don't seem to have faith that others can feel the same way.

When I was a child, our local supermarket chain began allowing disabled folks to sell newspapers at their stores. They also hired mentally disabled people to work in their stores.

Everyone admired them and it probably increased their business.

[mrcheerful]

13. Well don't forget that until the civil rights movement that people like

your son started coming out of attics and state hospitals for the disabled started closing. Growing up with leg braces and scars on the throat and neck from a car accident I remember how it was in the 60's. In school I was kept from using my intellect because the doctors told them I had a head injury and the school system treated me as brain damaged, from being in a coma my speech was badly slurred and it was hard for people to understand me. Your son will have a lot of other hurdles to over come, people fear and distrust those who don't look like them.

[donco6]

11. I hope he keeps looking.

Seems to be there would be a band out there who would be ECSTATIC to have a good sound engineer, and wouldn't give a hang what he/she looked like. Good engineers are hard hard hard to find.

I really hope things work out for your son.

[mzteris]

14. Is plastic surgergy

an option?

I mean, CAN it be done? Heck, they grafted an ENTIRE FACE just a few months back.

I know $$ would probably be a problem, but surely there are organizations out there that will help.

Just a thought.

Too bad our society is so damn narrow-minded and "looks oriented". :(

Has he looked at "in-house" gigs somewhere rather than a band/club venue? Like a recording studio, etc... or online?

Do you remember a few years back an album came out that two guys collaborated on over the internet. One lived in America and one lived in Denmark or something - I don't think they ever met - until maybe after the album came out.


:hug:

[xultar]

15. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm happy you still have you son. What pains me

is there is so much people can do in their own hearts.

I'm angry cuz if this is such a Christian nation I can't see it. People do not behave in a manner that Christ would have. That is so sad.

[seemunkee]

16. what type of music is he into?

Just curious if it is something with the image of the genre.

[Dirty Hippie]

19. He would do sound for any type of band

[Red_Viking]

17. I think it could work to his advantage!

It sounds like he's come a long way, and he seems like a young man full of promise and character. The music industry is full of people who create personas for themselves. Why not him? Use his injury to create an alternate personality, the one who goes and works at clubs. Get a catchy name, make it all part of his club "self." It's a kind of reverse psychology--call direct attention to his injury, name it, celebrate it, own it, and other people will celebrate it, too. Might create an air of mystery around him. If he's accepted it, so should everyone else. It sounds to me like he's more whole now than he was before.

He could be a sound engineer super hero. :)

He sounds like a courageous, terrific kid. And, he's lucky to have you! Good luck to him.

Peace,

RV

[Dirty Hippie]

18. What an excellent idea!

Thank you.

I'll definitely share your suggestions with him.

[Tace]

20. I've Got A Friend Who Had His Leg Shot Off In Prison

He's an aspiring musician who promotes himself as "One-Leg Chuck."

[creeker]

21. I am GLAD that he is making better decisions--- He has to live

with the ones he chose.He better accept the new reality he is "facing" as he will live with his FUCK-UP the rest of his days--- some of us carry them inside rather than out----------

[jhrobbins]

22. My best friend of 20 years killed himself when he was 26...

and I was so mad at him for a long time. However, time healed this and I realized the depths of pain he must have been in and I did not recognize it and then I was pissed at myself for a while. I had known him since we were 6 years old and I have come to be very sensitive to the issue of suicide. While I don't think for a minute that it is a viable solution to one's problems (except in cases of terminal illnesses), I hate the way that people are so quick to pass judgment on this. You know the old walk a mile in my shoes thing. Sometimes life is absolutely overwhelming, especially if the individual has no support system of friends and family.
I am glad your son seems to have regained a healthier outlook - good luck to him!

[mattfromnossa]

23. sorry to hear this

Another horrible example of appearance-based discrimination. My heart goes out to you.

[Vorta]

24. play the game

I gather that this is a young person, and I understand that he wants to work in clubs and with bands. Maybe that can happen, however clubs and bands don't exactly conform to ADA or normal employer expectations when it comes to such things. Perhaps your son's situation could work to his advantage. If he uses his status to get an audio job in a more professional environment (publicly owned arenas, corporate stadiums) then when he goes to hook a band job, he would actuallyh ve doing THEM a favor.