An atheist's funeral. Has anyone ever been to one?

[Longhorn]

Policat stated in another thread, "Funerals are for the living," and I agree with that. But it does get me to thinking about my own funeral some day. My husband and children are atheist so maybe it won't be an issue but if I were to die soon, my mother is a lay minister and my siblings and in-laws are all religious. Should my funeral have religious elements to it?

I've thought about my own funeral -- or actually, whether I would even want one -- whenever I attend the funerals of others, something that happens more frequently the older I get, unfortunately. I've long believed that I wish to be cremated and I think I would rather have just a gathering of loved ones with no formal ceremony. But if funerals are for the living, maybe I shouldn't worry about it in advance ('cause I sure won't be worrying about it after!)

I'm interested to hear what y'all think about this issue. Thanks!

[BeeBee]

1. It is true...

that funerals are for the living but hopefully they would respect your wishes. I do not want anything religious but I don't want people to be sad either (wishful thinking?). I have left strict instructions that I am to be cremated and then a huge party is to be thrown. No ceremony, no religion, just lots of free-flowing alcohol.

[trotsky]

2. I like your plan, BeeBee.

Cremation, party, then sprinkle my ashes in a vegetable garden so I can tell the world to EAT ME.

[slutticus]

3. I want my ashes thrown in the eyes of my enemies

:evilgrin:

[JanMichael]

4. Yes. Sadly though a relative who was a minister insulted half of the....

...family. I believe that he was allowed to "mc" the funeral because he'd agreed to tone down the god stuff.

He knew the deceased was a non-believer, they grew up together and were close, but the dipshit couldn't contain himself.

[fshrink]

5. Will give my old (I hope!) body

for pretty med students to cut up and admire. That's an atheist funeral!

[lapislzi]

6. Give back what I can to the living

my organs, my body, whatever anybody can use. The rest CGrantt can put out for the wild critters.

Then I hope they will have a party with jazz and Pernod.

[fshrink]

7. Almost makes feel like going to yours!

[Hamlette]

8. we did a purely atheist funeral for my dad last year

he donated his body to "science" (the med school). They were very nice, came and picked up the body immediately. (He died at home). They asked for a donation of $600 but it was purely voluntary. They will return ashes in a year or two. (My aunt also donated her body to the med school, we got the ashes back after 2 years.) There is a place in the cemetary here for people who donate their bodies. You can put the ashes and/or have the persons name inscribed. We're not sure what we'll do with the ashes.

We held the funeral at the Jewish Community Center, because it was the most beautiful setting, in the foothills with a view of the whole valley. Anyone can rent the facilities. Used to be a country club, very pretty, very modern place.

Relatives and a couple of friends spoke. No prayers, no religious talk at all. I wanted to keep it to half an hour, it went 35 minutes. We played a couple of our favorite songs, one was the Blind Boys of Alabama singing Amazing Grace to the tune of House of the Rising Sun. Everyone knew we were not religious, but its a great song for a funeral. We also played Ray Charles doing America at the end but due to a family argument we took it out of the service (my sister was mad about the war in Iraq so she didn't want any patriotic stuff.) My mom did want taps which the military provided as my dad was a vet. That was actually pretty funny since we were supposed to have gotten a flag from the funeral home or the minister but since we had neither the military guys doing taps were confused about what to do. (At the end of taps they present a flag to the widow and there was no flag.) They said things like: how can you have a funeral without a funeral home? Where is the Bishop or Minister?

Instead of flowers we asked for donations to the ACLU (caused a stir at my office, too bad)

We had the food and drink catered which was costly but a funeral home would have been much more. It was a great service. True to all of us and everyone still talks about how it was the best funeral they ever attended. I think because there was no mumbo jumbo. All a tribute to the dead person.

I attended a Greek funeral just prior to that and a Mormon funeral right after. The Greek was the worse, all in greek and not one word about who the dead person was. Nothing.

The mormon funeral was dreadful too. Lots of sexist shit about the most liberated woman I'd ever known, my best friend Becky.

[Longhorn]

10. Your dad's funeral sounds truly amazing!

Thanks for sharing the details! What a great family you must have!

[Hamlette]

11. its a great advantage growing up an atheist

in a democratic household. You have arguments around the edges (like playing "America" during the service or after) but not about the big stuff.

I'm a proud 3rd generation godless commie pinko raising the 4th generation. (We were at Costco last week, my 21 year old son wanted a new coat, he went over to a stack and said "except that it screams 'explotation of child labor' this one would do.")

[The empressof all]

9. Donation and Christmas Balls

I too want everything harvested that they can use. I would like some ashes however to be placed in Christmas Balls so my family can hang me on the tree every year.

I'm an atheist--But I do like the Holiday time.

[Hamlette]

12. my theory about the holidays is

we have to put up with so much garbage about/from religion, we should be able to revel in the "good stuff". I'm a proud Christmas person. I even love the myth and have nativity scenes around the house.

[progressoid]

13. I went to a great one earlier this year

A friend of the family essentially planned her own memorial before she died. There were a LOT of friends & a handful of close family (she never married or had children). She was never a church goer, but had many friends of many beliefs and non-beliefs. People from all walks of life were there; from politicians, civic and business leaders to housekeepers and carpenters.

It took place in one of her favorite restaurants. There was a lot of French food and drink with Earth Wind and Fire playing (on CD) to keep the spirits up. After an hour or so of socializing, a few people spoke (that she chose!). It was a great way to remember her. I don't think anyone thought there was anything missing because of a lack of preaching or praying. She would have been horrified to have that anyway.

Technically, it wasn't a funeral. No casket or procession to a cemetery. It was a memorial, or more accurately, a celebration of her life and of the living. It was great. I get a happy tear thinking about it 10 months later.

Oh, another thing. There was a table with hundreds of her photos from trips/events etc. Friends were invited to take home any they wanted.

[Walt Starr]

14. I want all organs removed from my body to be used in transplants

and barring that, to be pickled and kept in jars for biology classes.

What's left should be painted red and thrown in a cave to drive future archeologists mad.

Muahahahahahahahah!

:evilgrin:

[FM Arouet666]

15. Your funeral should reflect you personal beliefs

My grandfather died recently, at the tender age of 97, and he was an atheist. My cousins are all christians, but my uncle and mother are atheist and agnostic, respectively. I was unable to attend the service, but stressed that my grandfather would no want a religious service. My cousin asked his preacher to officiate the service, but told him that my grandfather did no want a religious content. His response was that "he must do the lords work, and my grandfathers soul was his concern." Fortunately, my cousin canned him, and they had a secular service, each person expressing his love and memories of the deceased.

The living should respect what you want when you die.

[stevebreeze]

16. I just attended a funeral of a good friend

She had a three page letter of instruction hand written (with corrections she was an English teacher). This made it much easier for her family to plan, well actually they didn't' have to. It took away any chance for her wished not to be followed.

[SiouxJ]

17. Atheist epitaph

"here lies an atheist, all dressed up and no place to go"

I think leaving ones body to science is a noble thing; that's what I'll probably do. If someone wants to have a memorial service, that'd be nice. Play my favorite music, read my favorite quotes etc. Nothing fancy. More of a celebration.

[Rhiannon12866]

18. No, I haven't. But I've always wondered

how pretty much everyone, if you read the obits, seems to have a funeral in a church when so few people, religious or not, actually belong to a particular church, these days, or even attend one, even on religious holidays.:shrug:

I agree that funerals are for the living, or, rather, wakes, since I attend the wake more often than the funeral. When I was a teen-ager, and my father was attending family wakes, I used to give him a hard time about it, telling him that this was a barbaric practice. But now I understand, having now gone to many myself, a lot of family, including my own father, and even a few friends, who died young. I see them as a way of coming to terms with what has happened, a kind of ritual of closure. And it's also a supportive gathering of people who feel much the same way as you do.:grouphug:

Most of my father's family are Catholics, and they do the wakes and the large funerals, the whole traditional ritual. But my one grandmother was Protestant, and that part of the family seems to opt for cremation, followed by a "memorial service." I feel irritated by those, since there seems to be little point in it and I have found those to be very unsatisfying. I mean, suddenly the person just isn't there anymore, there is no chance to say goodbye, but they go ahead and have a church service anyway.:shrug:

When I went to summer camp, as a kid, for two months every summer, they said they offered a "non-denominational" service every Sunday. But they weren't really religious at all. I remember when it was my cabin's turn to do the "service," the theme of ours was "friendship." We read poems and played music, like Carole King, and I remember that I read Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. I really enjoyed that kind of "service," especially the one we did. It made me feel really good, much more so than any religious service that I was forced to attend.:-)

I always felt vaguely guilty after going to church. Probably a lot of it was that I just knew I didn't want to be there. Anyway, I think that the kind of "service" that we put together at camp would be appropriate for an atheist's funeral. A gathering of friends and family, with favorite music and poetry, possibly photographs, which you often see at wakes, and people getting up and sharing thoughts and memories about the person who's gone. My role in my family is to give the eulogy. I got up and spoke about my Dad, at his funeral, so now it's expected of me, and it can be incredibly cathartic.;(

[politicat]

19. I've been to several and officiated at two...

More "Master of Ceremonies", but still. I got my officiant's credentials from the American Humanist Society a couple of years ago after my atheist community lost our long-time officiant.

When I officiated at my step-father's funeral, we did have some religious elements, like moments of silence and my sister read a poem that was very spiritual. D was not traditionally religious, but he was very spiritual (though we did not mention the UFOs.... his really big passion) and my mother and her friends are pretty spiritual. D was cremated and mom's supposed to go this summer sometime to scatter the ashes in both the Upper Peninsula where D was from and in the Pacific Ocean, which he loved. (That is, assuming she can find a new job. She got downsized, so if anyone knows of anything in the construction management industry in the Phoenix area, or in book keeping or similar, please let me know...) There won't be any ceremony for the scatterings, per Mom's request.

When we had a local atheist die, her memorial was very much atheist, not at all spiritual, and very much a celebration of her life. After the obligatory this was K and this was her life, her children put on a big party with all of her favorite foods and music, and played the tapes she'd made a few weeks before her death when she stopped everything but palliative treatment. She basically admonished us not to weep for her, that she was glad to not be sick and helpless anymore, and that we should remember her as she'd been when she was well.

Me? When I officiate, I take into account the wishes and will of the people with whom I'm working. This isn't my dog and pony show after all. Some people want a somber, traditional funeral; some don't. The key factor is that if you want your wishes upheld, you must put them in writing and give them to someone you trust. Don't put them in your will, because wills are rarely read immediately after death. We have a folder in the safe that says "In case of death or serious illness" that has all of our DNRs, Living Wills, funeral wishes, wills, Powers of Attorney, etc in it. My sister also has a copy. As it happens, our Living Wills and our DNRs are very precise, giving biometric thresholds for activation.

When I go, I want a party. A big one, with lots of booze and fattening foods, a playing of my favorite movies and TV shows, and dancing. If crying helps ease the process, let the tears flow - I hope someone has a big stack of handkerchiefs handy.

Pcat