Jesus Christ, You Really Suck!

[stopbush]

Thought I'd start a mirror thread to Nance Greggs "Jesus Christ, You Really Rock!" thread over in GD.

Here's your chance to list all the reasons that Jesus sucks. I'll start:

1. Says that if you don't hate your immediate family then you can't love him.

Think the mods will let this stand?

[cosmik debris]

1. He turned water into wine

When I clearly ordered Tequila.

[stopbush]

8. Ha! Speaking of miracles, do you remember the joke about

the first miracle performed by the Polish Pope? He made a blind man lame.

Being part Polish, I was assaulted with lots of Polish jokes in my youth, but I found that one funny.

[rrneck]

10. That's the difference

between a joke and an insult. In a joke, the straight man can laugh too.

[rrneck]

2. When his publicist

plastered his image all over the place looking like a member of ABBA.

[ihavenobias]

9. Ha, ha...

:)

[ThomCat]

3. He clearly has no planning skills at all.

The guidance he gave his successors failed miserably.

[Deep13]

4. Told Peter to abandon his family to poverty so he could ...

... hang around with JC and "fish for men," whatever that means.

[stopbush]

11. What happens to fish who get caught?

They lie floundering on the deck of a boat, gasping for air until they die. Then, they're gathered up and sold at market to someone higher in the food chain. They're eaten to sustain some one else. Their rotting remains are then tossed in the trash and scattered by scavengers. Then, the cycle starts all over the next day.

Sounds just like what happens to the intellects of men (fish) caught by the disciples of Christ, doesn't it?

[Evoman]

5. He ruined a perfectly good fig tree. Next time water it instead of cursing it.

[Warpy]

6. Told his 12 disciples he'd be back before the last one died

Uh, he's LATE.

[moggie]

7. He said the meek will inherit the Earth

Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I don't want to make a fuss, but I have been waiting rather a long time.

[laconicsax]

12. Was this originally in a different forum?

[stopbush]

13. Nope. Started it here.

[cosmik debris]

14. Jesus drove the money lenders out of the Temple

And that was the beginning of deregulation that led to the current meltdown!

[FiveGoodMen]

15. He also told people to pay their taxes

What was he thinking?

[stopbush]

16. My take on the money changers from Nance Gregg's thread:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=5312291&mesg_id=5335317

[onager]

17. Glad you posted the "moneychangers" rant.

Otherwise I would have. It's amazing how many people completely miss the context of that. Proving (AGAIN!!) that atheists generally know more about the Bible than Christ-o-philes.

As you pointed out, those Evil Moneychangers and animal merchants were providing essential services to pious Jews. Roman money had the Emperor's face on the obverse and usually a pagan god/dess on the reverse. Those were considered "graven images" and were absolutely forbidden for use as cash offerings within the Temple.

Once I found a Xian website full of moony balderdash about Pontius Pilate. One jaw-dropping statement on that site said Pilate "had great respect for the Jewish heritage." And it went on to say that Pilate sent that message to the Judeans by minting coins with Roman pagan religious symbols on one side and Jewish religious symbols on the other. (Examples of the coins have been found in archeological digs. So they got that much right, anyway.)

He was sending a message, all right, but it had nothing to do with respect for Jewish traditions. It's hard to imagine a worse insult to the Jews than those coins, with their mixing of pagan Roman and religious Jewish symbols.

The message Pilate sent was: "I am here to collect your taxes and keep the peace by any means necessary. Worship your silly little god all you want, but step out of line and I will bust your heads." Which he proceeded to do, if we can believe the writings of Flavius Josephus. And that's an open question. Believers treat Josephus the same way they treat the Bible, quoting him when he agrees with them and ignoring everything else he wrote.

Anyway, thanks!

[onager]

18. A few more, long as I'm here...

And I'm too lazy to look up the Buy-bull verses, so get thee to the Skeptics Annotated Bible if necessary:

1. Disrespected his Mom, several times ("Woman, what have you to do with me?" Etc.) If I'd ever mouthed off like that to my Mom, she would have slapped me upside the head. And we weren't even Jewish! (Southern Baptist--different accent, same guilt.)

2. According to contemporaries, was a drunken pig. "Glutton and winebibber," I believe are the exact words.

3. Speaking of pigs...rather than feed the non-Gentile poor, he destroyed a valuable food resourse by sending a fleet of demons into those Gadarene swine and driving them off a cliff. What were all those swine doing, herding around in a culture that strictly forbade pork, anyway? Feeding the Roman soldiers?

4. Wasted another expensive resource by having his feet washed in costly perfumes. Explained it away by saying "The poor will be with you always." No kidding, Einstein! Are we sure Jesus wasn't a Republican?

5. Along with his do-nothing, bone-dumb desciples, Jesus was a lazy welfare queen who lived off the earnings of hard-working women. See the Gospel According to Luke. And according to famous Biblical scholar Randel Helms, that book may have been written by a woman.

I can think of more, just give me a little while...

[Name removed]

19. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[onager]

20. More good stuff!

This jumped right out at me:

He was moving the animals (only the animals) out of the temple, to save them from being sacrificed.

As you noted, animal sacrifice was REQUIRED at the time.

It still is, in Islam. City-dwelling Muslims today handle the requirement in exactly the same way the Jews did in ancient Jerusalem--they purchase a sacrifice by proxy, generally from the local butcher. I've just spent nearly 4 years living in Egypt and saw this many times.

Very wealthy Muslims will buy a whole cow or a young camel (which are ONLY seen as fit for sacrifice/eating--young camels are not good workers). At the other end of the scale, the poor will buy some pigeons. IIRC, the rules say you should must give one half of the meat to the poor, give one quarter to your family, and keep one quarter for yourself and your immediate family.

We had an Egyptian driver once who drove us crazy as the feast of Eid al-Fitr approached. We were working way the hell out near the Suez Canal and staying in Cairo, so the one-way commute was nearly 2 hours. Every time our driver saw a damn cow in a truck, he would flag the driver down and start negotiating with him. He never did get a cow and ended up with some pigeons, which I understand pissed off his wife something fierce.

This driver was a tight-fisted old bastard anyway, and he tried to rip off all of our employees with the famous Egyptian papyrus/perfume scam. Once he spent about a week bargaining with a farmer for some strawberries. Every day he would stop, haggle, then drive off yelling insults.

One day the price was finally right, and he bought a basket of juicy, ripe, gorgeous berries. But when he got home, he found that was only the top layer. Underneath most of the strawberries in the basket were rotten.

We probably shouldn't have, but we couldn't help laughing about that.

[piratefish08]

21. Jesus became a Zombie

Jesus Christ Became A Zombie

Zombies REALLY Suck

Therefore, Jesus Christ Really Sucks

[laconicsax]

22. Do zombies suck?

:shrug:

[pink-o]

23. Only when slurping your brains from your head.

[laconicsax]

25. I'm not sure they slurp.

It's so undignified.

[moggie]

26. And zombies are all about dignity

I've never seen a badly-dressed zombie, for example.

[valerief]

24. He's a tool. A tool used by oppressors to deny civil rights. nt