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She comes from a family of 6 children. All raised Catholic,
where only one child still has any ties with the church (and
his family withdrew from church during the Bush years, in protest
of what they perceived as catholic support of his wars).
I never asked her about religion, but she was well aware of
my atheism, and her brother's (my husband) atheism.
I think 2 other of her siblings identify as "agnostic".
Anyway, she was my favorite in-law, never any drama, always
level-headed, beautiful, funny, honest and always willing to help in any
situation.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year and in February
she became unable to digest food. She lingered for a month
and then died, as bravely and with as little drama as when
she was healthy. She sent her closest sister off on an errand
and died while being held by my husband and another brother.
She refused to see any priests or have last rites, she asked
that no funeral be performed, and that she be cremated.
This left the family at a bit of a loss as to what they thought would
be acceptable to the broader catholic community they had once so heavily
participated in. (Parochial schools, K-12 for six kids!)
I watched people walk through the "visitation" at the funeral home and
many were clearly ill at ease with no casket to kneel at, no crosses,
no pictures of Jesus....
Yesterday, we had a lunch for about 150 people, and her brother came
to me beforehand and told me that a poem I had posted on the funeral
home's website really captured the way the brothers and sisters felt
about her, and asked me to read it to everyone.
I wanted to share it with you guys, because although it contains no
god-speech, everyone there related to its message. And because the
poem reminded everyone of how much we had lost, and how random and
unfair this planet can be. It could have been titled "Joanna", because
it captures the loss of her perfectly:
Dirge without Music
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
I'm a wreck...
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