Someone (ie Gawd) must have been looking out for her

[WhollyHeretic]

In the past 6 months I have had so much religious and new age crap lobbed my way and it just makes me want to pull my hair out. I know the people mean well but I really have the urge to tell a lot of them to STFU.

Warning: This is a long and profanity interspersed personal story but it's been rattling around in my head for a while and I wanted to write it down.

Last October my wife got very sick. She had trouble breathing and had a tremendous amount of pain in her lungs. She went to 5 doctors over a couple weeks before 1 finally sent us to the ER, she was screaming she was in so much pain on the way to the doctor that day, he thought she had pneumonia. We get to the hospital and they realize she had blood clots that resulted in multiple pulmonary embolisms. She was there for about a week, they put her on blood thinners. They did tests and found the embolisms, one of which was very large, they had a hard time seeing her heart but they did not pursue it. She was released to recuperate and follow-up with her primary care physician. The first big wave of "someone must have been looking out for her" came around this time. We just grinned and nodded. I'll mention at this point that we think the clots were caused by medicine she was on because we were trying to conceive (which is a whole other long and painful story).

My wife was home for a couple weeks and her doctor had her follow-up with a pulmonologist at another local hospital. He was not happy that the other hospital had not gotten a good look at her heart so he ordered a test. In early November my wife went in for the test. She was feeling better and even drove herself. It was the first time she was going out by herself since her hospitalization. She was going to go for the test and then get some curtains for the house (we closed on a new house a couple days after she got out of the hospital). I'm working and she calls me and says she is getting admitted and she is going to need heart surgery. Quite a fucking shock to say the least. The technician doing the test on her had trouble seeing her heart clearly but persisted and finally saw it, there was a mass attached to her right atrium. They weren't sure if it was a clot or a tumor causing clots but it had to come out. 36 years old and she was having open heart surgery. HOLY FUCKING SHIT

I left for the hospital immediately. Within a few hours of me getting there she went to surgery to have a screen put in and then the big surgery came the next day. She was in surgery for almost 7 hours, besides the open heart they also removed the largest embolism from her lung. That was the longest 7 hours of my life by a long stretch. I never had the urge to pray, I did have the urge to vomit. Thankfully the surgery went well and we found out 4 days later that it was just a blood clot and not a tumor in her heart.

It was after this that the "someone must have been looking out for her" really ramped up. I really lost track of how many people said this to me. You know what? Someone was looking out for her. The fucking tenacious technician in radiology who first saw the mass in her heart was LOOKING OUT FOR HER. The doctor who wasn't satisfied with the previous hospitals tests was FUCKING LOOKING OUT FOR HER. The surgeon who operated on her for 7 fucking hours was LOOKING OUT FOR HER. The nurses who took such fantastic care of her were LOOKING OUT FOR HER. I know the people meant well but it's frustrating plus it doesn't give credit to the people who actually helped her. If Gawd was taking an active role in this why didn't he point it out to the people at the previous hospital or maybe stop it from happening in the first place? It's not like after the surgery everything was just hunky dory. It is a long and painful recovery from heart surgery, parts of her lungs died.

This brings me to the other thing people say: it's all part of god's plan/it happened for a reason. I've always hated this one. How does that comfort people? I'm supposed to be comforted by the fact that god is torturing my wife for some nebulous plan? I have a friend who said that everything happens for a reason when we were talking about everything that happened and how it also meant we couldn't have children. I love this guy like a brother and he is one of the best people I know but I had the urge to punch him in the face at that moment (have I mentioned going through this made my emotions a little raw for a while). I know people say religion brings comforts in times like that but it just doesn't make sense to me.

Here are the things that helped and comforted us: My wife's mother for staying with us and taking care of my wife. My parents for being there every day and helping with numerous things. My wife's family for helping us unpack and clean the house. Our friends for their love and support. All the different people at my wife's work who brought us meals. My boss for giving me paid time off even after I had used up my sick and vacation time.

My wife did say it was a good way to find out how much people cared for her but it probably wasn't the preferred method by which to do that :-) . Conversely we found out how little we mean to a couple members of my family, that's OK there has since been another medical crisis in the family and they have shown they are just selfish pricks to everyone. For the most part the outpouring of love and support really was astonishing, my wife is an amazing person.

I'm really not trying to disparage the people who said these things just expressing frustration for the ideas themselves. We're thankful to have the good people we have in our lives. I'll just never understand how these things comfort people. I take comfort in those around me. I am very thankful to the doctors and nurses who helped my wife. While my faith in humanity may have increased these past months I have to say I saw no sign of god in that foxhole. My wife is getting better all the time. I am extraordinarily happy to report that her lung capacity has improved tremendously in that last couple of weeks.

Thanks to anyone who managed to make it to the end.

[Deep13]

1. Agreed. Apparently the "looking out for part" ...

...involved God falling asleep at the switch while those clots formed and only realizing after the fact of the potential disaster.

When my Dad died unexpectedly of a stroke at age 51, people told me he was "in a better place." He had retired from retail management a year earlier to train assistance dogs and tend his Christmas tree farm. He was in a better place that THAT? From here it kind of looks like he went from his dream job, his home, his family and his friends to a little box we got from the cremetorium.

[WhollyHeretic]

4. I always wonder if that mindset keeps a lot of people from really dealing with the loss

as well as the ability to celebrate the life the person actually lived. I remember at my uncle's funeral the priest nattering on about god and how my uncle was in a better place. Nothing in the service had anything to do with who my uncle actually was. He was such a great guy who made everyone around him laugh.

[RebelOne]

7. My thoughts exactly.

It always rubs me the wrong way when someone says that the deceased has gone to a better place. I usually just smile and nod, but really want to say, "Yeah, that better place is 6 feet under."

[madmom]

2. I know exactly what you mean, and it was/is really hard to keep a

civil tongue when people start with their crap. My hubby had a motorcycle accident in '84 and his family was all about the preaching but it was a neighbor who babysat for me (everyday for a week) when I had to go to the hospital to learn how to help him with therapy once he got home, they had "other things to do". Needless to say they think they are very good christians and we are the heathens.

[WhollyHeretic]

5. I'm sure they were praying for him which is much more useful that doing anything earthbound such as

babysitting

[lazarus]

3. I know EXACTLY how you feel

I got an earful of the same crap when my son died, coupled with the "gone to a better place" garbage. Very hard to resist punching some people.

[WhollyHeretic]

6. That must have been and extraordinarily tough urge to resist in that situation.

I grew up without religion and even though I've studied all of them all never truly understand the mindset. My wife grew up Mormon and tries to explain it to me but I just don't get how most of it is comforting or helpful. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Taverner]

8. You've got some good doctors there

I am glad everything is OK

[WhollyHeretic]

9. The doctors at the second hospital were amazing, as were the nurses at both

I brought in a nice big basket of goodies for the staff when my wife was released.

[onager]

10. Made it to the end, and it was a good read. Thanks!

I'm glad this had a happy ending.

As for the "someone was looking out..." - as I get older (and older), I try to recognize this as just empty words. Sort of like "Cthulthu bless you" after a sneeze. These tired old bromides are what people have heard all their lives in similar situations, so it's the first thing that pops into their heads and out of their mouths.

Which helps, I guess. But still doesn't keep me from wanting to punch some of the dumbasses when they spout off at the wrong time.