So my brother died this weekend.

[PassingFair]

53.

We think it was a heart attack, but we
don't know what caused it.

He has two young (11 and 13) daughters.

He was the "militant atheist" that none of the
rest of us will cop to.

VERY outspoken. ALWAYS telling the truth.

Its hard for me to sit still for the religious
crap and services that my mother is setting up
for him.

So.... I AM insisting that there be a time set
up during the memorial service where we can all
say a few words, because I know that he would have
wanted us all to say nice things about him.

He wanted a "viking funeral", so I'm going to talk
his wife out of some ashes and send them off across
the lake.

:cry:

R.I.P. Keith

[Arugula Latte]

1. That is just awful. I'm so sorry.

My husband is early 50s and we have kids similar ages, so I just really relate to this.

Good for you for honoring your brother in a way he'd appreciate.

:hug:

[PassingFair]

7. One of his kids seems very resilient. The other is internalizing and I'm afraid for her.

She doesn't want to eat or get out of bed.
She is the one that always wanted to please
Daddy above all else.

:cry:

My sister-in-law is going to get counseling for
both of the kids, so I'm happy about that.

Right now, they are staying with my mother, who
lives across the street from me.

Thank you for the hug.

:hug:

[RebelOne]

2. Just by seeing his photo, he looks like someone

I would have liked to have met. He must have been a wonderful person. Sorry for your loss.

[PassingFair]

8. He was an original. Very passionate about EVERYTHING.

Very smart and loved to argue.

Also, very loyal and generous.

I've always felt that he was bi-polar, but
he would never have counseling. He didn't want
to be medicated, he preferred to "self-medicate"
with natural, leafy substances.

He was a MOST UNUSUAL people.

His oldest daughter told my husband that it was
his job now to warn her about Republicans.

;)

[trotsky]

3. Very sorry to hear that.

My condolences to you and your family.

[PassingFair]

9. Thanks Trotsky.

Still waiting for the coroners report as to why
he died.

He had a slew of medical problems, which he loved
to groan about, but he usually refused to go to the
doctor for them.

Everybody is still walking around in shock.

[Warpy]

4. I'm so sorry.

Your mother is doing what will give her comfort and to hell with everybody else. That might actually be OK, you know it's hogwash and so did your brother but she needs to find something else in it besides loss.

Make the boat a paper one so it'll burn and send him off at sunset.

RIP, Keith.

[PassingFair]

10. His wife is a biologist and science teacher...

She's using the term "accelerant".

She remembers him talking about the viking
funeral, too, and is going to get some of his
buddies together soon and send him off.

:cry:

I've heard him say that all he needed was
coins for the boatman, so she's going to
put some old Greek coins he had in his pockets
before his cremation.

[Odin2005]

5. I'm so sorry!

:hug:

[PassingFair]

11. Thanks.

My husband's sister died earlier this year, after
a months long battle with lung cancer.

This is so different.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

It's hard to process.

Still, personally, I'll take "massive coronary"
(if that's what it was) over aggressive lung cancer
when my time comes.

It's just that he was so YOUNG, and his
kids are at such a bad age for this to happen.

:cry:

[enuegii]

6. A couple of years older than me...

and a similar hair style: looks like a cool guy. Sorry for your loss.

Viking funereal idea sounds great.

[PassingFair]

12. He started growing his hair out the year Reagan was elected.

He called it "letting his freak-flag fly".

We've lost a real fighter in the streets for
Democrats, because he would argue with ANYONE,
the guy in line behind him at the 7/11, the woman
across from him at the gas station, anyone, anywhere.

He was always right. Always. He really was.
He just got more worked up about things than
most people.

He always stopped to lend a hand. Always.

[Deep13]

13. Ugh, I know how you feel.

My father died unexpectedly of stroke when he was 51. That's pretty rough.

So how is your mother able to make the arrangements?

[PassingFair]

14. Jesus took the wheel. Car is spinning out of control.

It's Catholics vs. Episcopalians!

My sister in law and her family are Catholic,
my mother is Episcopalian.

Because of my brother's anti-religious stance,
he didn't EVER go to church, but he allowed his
in-laws to pay for the children to go to a posh
Catholic school.

Fast forward to trying to make arrangements for
a service. The Catholics WON'T do it, because he
wasn't a member of their club, and my sister-in-law
wants everything to be CATHOLIC, but at my mother's
Episcopalian church!

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

All of the upper clergy at my mother's church
is female. Sister-in-law says: "No women at the altar!".

WTF???

So they had to find an old codger male ex-minister to
officiate, but he is SENILE, and promised times that weren't
actually available at the church. Sooooooo...after e-mailing,
texting and call everyone about the time and place, everything
is now up in the air.

Mom and sister-in-law are at the church trying to get things
straightened out (the noses of the female clergy are now
QUITE out of joint)....so who knows what will happen.

:crazy:

I'm home taking care of the kids, who have spent NO time
with their mother since their dad died, because she's out
doing stuff like having her wedding ring resized, so she can
wear it at the service.

:crazy:

[Deep13]

15. So your sister-in-law buys into Catholic misogyny.

I don't see why she doesn't resect her own husband's feelings on this.

[PassingFair]

16. Weird, isn't it? She's a WOMAN herself, with TWO DAUGHTERS!

And she's not even THAT religious!

[progressoid]

17. Damn. I'm so sorry.

I know the feeling.

My brother (50) died about a year and a half ago. He struggled on and off with his faith. Because it was in a small town and most of the community showed up, the ceremony was a generic quasi-religious affair. I winced through it, and tried to have my own ceremony in my head.

I wish I could say it gets better but I'm still dealing with it. I wonder if I believed in god, it would be easier. When he was killed, my Father (who is religious) said something like, "It's supposed to be comforting that he's in a better place, but it's not."

Last week, for the first time in a year I went to his grave. That was hard. And again I had to ignore the little religious plaques that were left by friends. So I left my own little secular gift:




Be strong - especially for his daughters. They'll need it. You might find yourself being surrogate father for a while.

I like the Viking thing! Celebrate his life and the living.

:hug:


edit: So after wiping away tears, I realize I blabbed on too much about myself. Sorry bout that. :hug: Peace to you and your family.

[PassingFair]

18. No, thanks for the input!

I just picked out some bagpipe music for the piper
to play. Stuff my Dad used to play when we were kids,
including the one my brother once told me he wanted
played at his funeral:


The Dark Isle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cIij7zWdN0

:cry:

[progressoid]

19. What a great song.

And on the pipes too. Dammit. :cry:

[PassingFair]

20. Update. I will be reading from the Old Testament.

I am a good sister.
I will do what his wife wants.

I hope its not Leviticus or somesuch!

[onager]

25. Maybe you can sneak in Proverbs 11:29....

He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.

[PassingFair]

30. Here's what keeps playing in my head:

"Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more:
it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Macbeth (Act V, Scene V).

Jeebus, I need to lighten up!

[Goblinmonger]

21. I am sorry for your loss.

I am sorry that other family members are, at this of all times, being a pain in the ass.

Your brother has just inspired me to change my final wishes with my wife and have a viking funeral. I teach Beowulf each year and love the final send off.

[PassingFair]

27. His wife found some paper boat kits. They can be decorated.

And filled with stuff.

The kids are making their own boat, too.

Thanks for posting, Goblinmonger.

[darkstar3]

22. I've looked at this thread 5 times now. I really don't know what to say.

Obviously I offer my condolences, but your story reminds me of one of my own, making me heartsick, and so I can think of nothing better than "I'm so sorry."

I am. I'm so sorry. :hug:

[PassingFair]

28. I know...he's only a year older than me.

He slept under my crib until I got my own bed.

:cry:

My mom likes to tell the story about how he
"changed" my diaper when I was a newborn.

She came into the bedroom to find me in my
crib, completely covered in Desitin and baby-powder,
with only my blinking eyes visible.

It can happen to any of us at any time.
I realize now that life's too short to put
up with my new PRAT of a boss!

I'll make sure his kids know what's what.

[Exultant Democracy]

23. I'm sorry so very sad.

Your family will be in my thoughts.

[PassingFair]

29. Thanks ED.....

He was a modern-day Quixote, tilting at Republicans.

[onager]

24. Sorry I'm so late, PF...

Just wanted to express my condolences. Sounds like we lost a great guy.

And I hope you get the ceremony straightened out. Not exactly the right time for that sort of squabbling.

To show you that others are in the same Titanic-like boat, I guess...

A friend spent last week being completely miserable after him Mom's funeral. She was elderly and had been sick for a long time, so it was not completely unexpected.

Unlike his siblings, my friend is an atheist. I guess the bonehead preacher just couldn't think of anything else to say. The preacher decided to mention all the children during the funeral service, with some personal words of comfort. At least for the ones who attend his church.

For my friend, he politely reminded him - from the pulpit, AT THE FUNERAL - that "this is not the time to be arguing about dividing up property and such things."

WTF? Property was the last thing on my friend's mind - he had just lost his mother. Those words of comfort angered the whole family. Even the relatives who attend his church said they were going to have words with the preacher. And those words were not going to be "Gawd bless you."

[PassingFair]

26. I'll get through it. The real deal in honoring the life of my brother will be...

in keeping his children close.

My husband and I are his oldest daughter's "God-less Parents".
So we will do our best to make sure they grow up with some
perspective from "Daddy's side".

:cry:

Thanks Onager.

:hug:

[PassingFair]

31. UPDATE.

Church memorial service was unsatisfying.

Piper was nice, but he was memorialized by
a minister that he didn't know, and who obviously
didn't know him.

Not very comforting to hear that whosoever
believeth in him shall have everlasting life,
when whosoever didn't believeth in him at all...

Afterwards, an old friend of his had us all come
out to his cottage on the bay, and we had a HUGE
bonfire. Some of his belonging were bundled up in
a shroud and placed on the fire/pyre,
including the clothes he died in and
models of a viking longboat and a Roman trireme that
he had built years ago. His gamer friends filled the
boats up with lead minis.

Then we all wrote notes to him on little bamboo
boats, which we either set out onto the bay or thrown
into the fire. His favorite songs were played throughout.

I cried through the whole thing, but it was a fitting
ceremony for a passionate and uncommon guy.

My mother was upset that everyone felt comforted by
"viking beliefs" but not the christian ones. I had to
tell her that the fire ceremony was about KEITH, but
that the church ceremony had been about Jesus. That no one
"believed" that the notes were going straight to Vahalla
to be read by Keith, but were a personal way to say
GoodBye to Keith. She'll never get it, because she
believes he's "up there" with Dad. I certainly don't argue
with her on that, whatever makes her feel better is OK
with me. (And I don't claim to know whether or not he
is anywhere, anymore.)

Now if I can only get "Stairway to Heaven" out of my
HEAD!!!! It appears that there's a bustle in my hedgerow,
and it won't stop.

Thank you guys for your kind words.

They mean a lot to me.

Patty

[ZombieHorde]

32. The viking ceremony sounds like it was helpful for the healing process.

It sounds like a great way to honor a loved one.

Peace.

[PassingFair]

33. It was. I got my first moment of clarity, listening to his favorite songs....

I realized that I had stopped crying, and that
my eyes were more focused than they had been in
days. I had been in a fog of grief and shock.

I would recommend this type of ceremony to anyone,
believer or atheist.