Jokes, Words of Wisdom and Take The Interesting Little Test!

[Crewleader]

A FEW HINTS

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.



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SAMURAI


A powerful Japanese Emperor needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;

A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai


The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee.

Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly.

Whoosh! Whoosh! and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh!

But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


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A DREAM IS JUST A DREAM.
A GOAL IS A DREAM
WITH A PLAN AND A DEADLINE.


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HAPPY ENDING

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

When her former husband returned to the home with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called her former husband, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. Everything, including the curtain rods.




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A GOOD MARRIAGE IS LIKE A CASSEROLE
ONLY THOSE INVOLVED
ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT GOES INTO IT.


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DEATH WISH

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."




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BLESSED ARE THE YOUNG
FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT THE NATIONAL DEBT.
Herbert Hoover


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A REQUEST

Don't walk behind me
I will not lead
Don't walk in front of me
I will not follow
Just walk with me
And be my friend



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DUE TO GOVERNMENT CUTS
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.


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A FEW DEFINITIONS

ADULT:
One who has stopped growing at both ends
but continued in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKEN:
The only animal you eat, both, before it is born
and after it is dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.






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PREDICT ANOTHER GOOD DAY FOR YOURSELF.
EXPECT SOMETHING GREAT TO HAPPEN.

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SMART SPEAK

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.



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THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT THE GAME OF LIFE
IS THAT WINNING AND LOSING ARE ONLY TEMPORARY.
UNLESS YOU QUIT.



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RULES FOR THE ROAD OF LIFE

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you
was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If someone says that you are too good for them, believe it.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, “Will this matter one year from now?”
How about one month? One week? One day?

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations, you have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.



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A SMILE CAN BRING HAPPINESS TO ANYONE.
EVEN IF THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.



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NATIVE WISDOM

A Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life.


"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."


"One is evil: he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego."


"The other is good: he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth,
compassion and faith."


"This same flight is going on inside you, and inside every
other person, too."


The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"


The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."


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THERE ARE TWO TIMES WHEN A MAN
DOESN'T UNDERSTAND A WOMAN.
BEFORE MARRIAGE AND AFTER.


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DOCTOR VISIT

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the Doctor's office. His appointment was for 9 am and it was 10:30 when an attractive nurse appeared and said, "Mr. Johnson, let's go get a room."

Mr. Johnson thought it over and said, "Honey I appreciate the offer, but I've been waiting for so long, I'd hate to lose my place now."


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THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM,
BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.



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CURRENT EVENTS

One evening, a grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

And how old do you think grandma is?

Grandma is 58 (born 1946)


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ALL MEANINGFUL AND LASTING CHANGE
STARTS IN THE IMAGINATION AND WORKS ITS WAY OUT.
THEREFORE, DREAM OFTEN, AND DREAM BIG


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REMEMBER


Life is not measured
by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments
that take our breath away.


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SUCCESS IS TO BE MEASURED
NOT SO MUCH BY THE POSITION ONE HAS REACHED IN LIFE,
AS BY THE OBSTACLES HE OR SHE HAS OVERCOME
WHILE TRYING TO SUCCEED.
Booker T. Washington



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LIVE AS IF YOU WERE TO DIE TOMORROW.
LEARN AS IF YOU WERE TO LIVE FOREVER.
Mahatma Ghandi


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THIS WEEK'S LINK

AN INTERESTING LITTLE TEST!.

http://www.newstarget.com/gullibility.html



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YOU DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD
YOU GROW OLD BECAUSE YOU STOP LAUGHING.

[LaurenG]

1. Looks like I would have taken the red pill

Good to know it's "them" that can't think correctly. lol

[Crewleader]

2. Red Pill for me too OhioBlues, love your humor!

I hope more step up and do the test....:patriot:
here's my score below...:applause:


Your GF score is 76.
(Out of a range of 0 - 100, where 0 = mind slave, and 100 = free thinker.)



Free Thinker
Welcome to the top 5%. You're a true free thinker and a person who is well informed about the reality in which you live. Although you may have been easily manipulated earlier in life, you eventually gained lucidity and developed a healthy sense of skepticism that you now automatically apply to your observations and experiences. You are endlessly curious about human behavior and the nature of the universe, and you have one or more lifestyle habits that most people would consider odd or unusual. You are not only of very high intelligence, you are also extremely creative in one or more areas (music, art, software development, inventing, etc.)
If you were in The Matrix, you would have taken the red pill, completed the combat training, and started fighting (and beating) agents from day one.

Your architects: You have cast off reality distortions taught to you by your parents, schooling, corporate advertising and government propaganda. You create your own beliefs based on what serves you best, without much regard for what the rest of the crowd is doing. You are guided by your own internal code of ethics (which may or may not agree with politically-correct ethical codes) rather than any pre-set system of ethics (such as from any one religion).



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Nice meeting you OhioBlues :hi: