Best Nonsense Jokes

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BEST NONSENSE JOKES FOR WEEK OF JAN. 21, 2007 - from Suddenly Senior




BEST
NONSENSE
JOKES

FOR THE WEEK OF JANUARY 21, 2007


Compiled by Carolyn Kaiser



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CUSTOMER SERVICE

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon customer service. You have probably talked to him.


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Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge

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MATILDA

Matilda lived in a tiny village on the Irish coast. She was 98, still a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, Matilda informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "MATILDA STONE. BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Several days passed and Matilda died peacefully in her sleep.


A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk carved the tombstone that Matilda had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.


He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

Matilda’s tombstone was finally completed, duly engraved. It read: "MATILDA STONE, RETURNED UNOPENED“


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He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless, dead.

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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Frieda awoke during the night to find that her husband Ted was not in bed.

Frieda found Ted sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him, appearing deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, Dear?" Frieda whispered. "Why are you down here at this time of night?".


Ted looked up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked solemnly.

Frieda is touched to tears, realizing that her husband is very caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replied.

Ted reflected. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"


"Yes, I remember" said Frieda, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


Ted continued... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

Ted wiped a tear from his cheek and said sadly..."I would have gotten out today."




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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.


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ASSASSIN


The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists, Bill, Sam and Thersa.

For the final test, the FBI agents took Bill to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her !!"

Bill said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."


The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.


Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."


The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

It Thersa’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Thersa, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat Bob to death with the chair."



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Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

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Read This Week’s Suddenly Senior

SOME SENIOR DAYS SUCK

I don’t care what they say. Gettin’ old ain’t for sissies. I awoke this morning with my neck as stiff and as painful as an Old Testament judgment. Who needs that? READ FULL STORY



SUBSCRIBE TO SUDDENLY SENIOR!
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Follow your dreams, except for that one
where you're naked at work.


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DIVINE SOLUTIONS


There were five country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.



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Originality is the art of concealing your sources.


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A TRIFECTA OF SOME OF REAL NONSENSE

WIN:


JOB RELATED


Last week I had a bad day at the office. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats the water to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

When I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.


Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back and realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.


Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it but the crack of my butt was another story. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.


When informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator, his instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive but I had to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my dry chamber decompression.

When I finally reached the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.


The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.


Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?




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How long a minute is depends on
what side of the bathroom door you're on.

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PLACE:


MORE NONSENSE TO MAKE YOU FEEL REALLY SMART

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostriches eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.



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Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun.

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SHOW:

THE WINNER

A Russian named Ivan and an Oklahoma wrestler named Fred were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, Fred’s trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he uses. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.” Fred nodded in acknowledgment.

The match began. All of a sudden, Ivan lunged forward, grabbing Fred and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd. Fred’s trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch Ivan flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Fred collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"


Fred answered,"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

Fred, with a look of horror on his face, said “You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."


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Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.


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THIS WEEK‘S BEST MUSICAL LINK...

The Greatest Rock N Roll/Doo Wop Site in the World

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/U_thrill_me/



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Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

Hugs, Carolyn

Carolyn Kaiser [e-mail]

Frank Kaiser [e-mail]

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/

Suddenly Senior — the internationally syndicated column read by 2.3 million bright folks over 50 in 131 countries all of whom have become senior way before their time.






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