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Edited on Sat Feb-26-05 11:08 AM by Cuban_Liberal
At the end of August last year, I had a life-shattering experience. My nephew's death in Iraq left me with two choices: I could let grief and anger destroy me with their acid, or I could choose to do whatever it took to reassemble the pieces of my broken heart and make it whole again. At that time, I desperately needed hope, comfort, and peace. The journey from that place to this has been long and difficult, but it has also become a blessing to me, for I have finally found that which I sought.
I’m a firm believer that when we pray and ask God for something, what we ask for needs to be a righteous request; I also believe that we are responsible for doing everything we ourselves can, and that God will then open the doors to make it possible for us to find that which we seek. When we choose not to do all that we can to help God help us, there is little difference from a person wanting to be able to read and write a foreign language but making no effort whatsoever to learn it. I think God has better things to do than to be our personal 'magic genie' and instantly grant us our every wish or accomodate our every whim. We must take some of the responsibility for ourselves. Still, I knew I desperately needed God’s help, so I sought Him out just as I was--- sad, angry and bewildered.
The apostle Paul taught us in Romans 15:4, “For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.” Taking this advice, I read the Scriptures daily, prayed often and listened to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I knew I needed to do what God wanted, even if it wasn’t always what I wanted to do. As I studied and prayed, God saw to my needs in ways that I could neither have imagined nor foreseen. Many times the help came in the form of phone calls from friends giving me emotional support; comfort and guidance also came from our rector, from prayers, at Mass and in discussing the Scriptures with Paddy, friends and family.
I found and read Scriptures on comfort, hope and peace. I even started a special notebook containing favorite Scripture verses that had special meaning to me, with one section designated specifically for those that give me “Comfort, Hope and Peace.” I wrote down the important truths I found that I needed to remember when I felt discouraged. One that helped me the most was: “The Lord doesn’t expect me to be perfect right now. He only expects me to keep going in the direction he shows me. As long as I keep going in the right direction, I will eventually get there."
It hasn’t always been easy; there were great obstacles, and many of them were very painful. What my family and I had managed to survive frequently left us emotionally and physically drained, yet I continued to have faith in God and to look at all the blessings in my life. What blessings did I have? When Carlito died, the person who loves me more than anyone on the face of this Earth was there, and he held me and told me that he loved me. Within two hours, my mother and father had also spread the healing balm of their love upon my wounded spirit. Friends called and stopped by to visit, and lend their support. My church never let me slip away, nor were they negligent about letting me know that they also remembered my pain, and loved and cared for me. Knowing all this, I continued to look for the blessings instead of poisoning my spirit by remaining bitter, resentful and angry; I did not always succeed, especially in the early days, but I continued to try and listen to the Holy Spirit. Even in my deepest sorrow, I knew that I was blessed with Our Heavenly Father’s love for me and that His help was only a prayer away.
Where, then, did I find “peace”? I found it in being true to my beliefs and to myself. I found peace by dealing with the real feelings I was left with because of what happened, and not hiding from them. I found it by dealing with the emotional hurts life had brought me instead of allowing anger to mask them; I fought to not let myself use anger as a defense mechanism, and thereby poison my soul. Through a renewed commitment to God and a deeper understanding of Christ's love and mercy, I found the strength to deal with the reality of my pain, to live righteously according to His Word and to seek in life things both virtuous and praiseworthy.
At long last, I have finally found true peace by becoming at peace with myself and with my life as it is, and by being at peace with our Heavenly Father and His mysterious will. I bless His holy name and thank Him for the gift my nephew's life was in my own life, and I pray that He will continue to guide my life, even if I do not always understand the direction in which I am led. Finally, at this most holy season, I pray that you may all find Peace in your lives through Christ Jesus. In Christian love, I am your brother,
---Tony
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