As a practicing Catholic, why is it so hard for me to mention "heaven"

[4_Legs_Good]

to my almost 3 year old son?

We're just getting into death and that's a hard enough topic to explain/understand. I know that most people of faith "soften" death fairly easily with heaven, but I just can't do it.

Maybe I'm a serious doubter, but still I go to Mass almost every Sunday (although I'm starting to take it less seriously since Ratzinger took over, and I am not-very-seriously shopping around for a new religion), and the kid and wife go almost as often (though he's a hellian, so sometimes we split and he doesn't come). He knows about Church, but doesn't understand relgion. He knows the name "Jesus" and can recognize stuff relating to him, but nothing much deeper than that.

I guess this is the kind of thing most religious families deal with, but somehow I feel like I'm having a much harder time of it. Maybe it's just because of my own doubts and dissatisfaction with Christianity in America.

Back to the point, though, I've never mentioned Heaven to him yet. I WILL NOT EVER threaten Hell or much with respect to sin other than sin which directly hurts other people. Right and wrong is another matter, but I won't teach him that X, Y, or Z will send him to Hell. It's weird because I know I turned out okay in part because I was eternally afraid of hell, but I refuse to use the same technique on my kids.

Gah! I guess I'm just in a parental dillema.

david

[DemBones DemBones]

1. David, I see two approaches to this problem. One is to just be

honest with your son. Tell him no one really knows what happens to people after they die but you are sure that they can no longer get hurt or feel sad (I'm assuming you feel sure about that, if not, leave it off.) Explain the concept of Heaven very simply, as in "Some people believe that after people died, their souls go to live somewhere else, where they are with God and Jesus, and are happy." You can say "Grandma and Grandpa believe that" or "Aunt Mary believes that" or otherwise give him a reference, even if it's just "Fr. Joe believes that" or "Many Catholics believe that."
You can tell him you're just not sure, although it is a nice thought and you hope it's true. (Obviously, use your own wording, and don't lie about what you believe.)

This is how I approached it as a mom, starting in 1970, and I was going through my heavily agnostic period back then. You can raise kids to be quite spiritual without lying to them and you can reassure them about death even when you're not at all confident about what it all means. There are some good books to help children learn about death; one old,old classic your library will surely have is "The Dead Bird." (I think it was first published in the Forties.) There are newer ones, too. Just pick one up now and then along with other library books to read to him, and be ready to answer any questions that come up. I'm not saying your boy will never be afraid of death, just that you can help a lot. (Watch out for TV; I had to explain "partial birth abortion" to a horrified six year-old who heard a detailed description on TV in mid-day in the seventies. And kids will scare themselves watching scary movies, too.)

I think you can raise a kid to be a good Catholic as well as quite spiritual if you approach it right but I wasn't Catholic in my child-raising days. Still, I know I would have communicated that I had doubts myself and that it's OK to have doubts. And, later on, I would have discussed CDC lessons and encouraged going beyond them to learn more. Like you, I'd have never used Hell as a threat. The Church says that we don't know if anyone is in Hell and we pray for all to be saved, which seems like the right way of thinking to me. We try to be good because God wants us to be good and because we feel better when we are good. I believe in natural law; I believe that kids know right from wrong and that it takes some real screw-ups in parenting to overcome their natural sense of right and wrong. That doesn't mean they don't need to be taught anything about morality, just that they catch on very easily and want to do the good thing.

The other approach to the problem is for you to deal with your own doubts as well. Maybe you can find a priest to talk to? If you don't like that idea, how about some good books? I think almost everyone goes through a lot of doubt and rebellion about organized religion in early-mid adulthood (and it's bullshit, BTW, to think Catholics hold the patent on inducing guilt in kids; I could tell you some hair-raising tales of Protestant guilt). Some abandon religion, or at least Christianity, entirely, others work through it without throwing the baby out with the bathwater and that seems to be what you want to do. It can be done and I hope you'll succeed.

[4_Legs_Good]

2. Thanks for the advice!

You bring up some great points, and I really appreciate them!

I think I pretty much still believe in Heaven and all, so I don't have a real problem with discussing it, it's just odd that I haven't felt the compulsion to do it in order to soften death a little. Maybe I'll take a few steps that way. He doesn't know any people who have died except that my wife's mom is dead, but he died a couple years before Nathan was born.

And bending the rules even further, I have a cat that's going to die in the next few months, I think. As a staunch animal rights type person, I don't buy the traditional stance that animals don't have souls (assuming people do), so I guess that's another possible in.

But I also don't want to sugar coat death, and I want him to know it's serious and permanent. Learning that death is a serious matter helps, I think, to take the taking of life (of any sort) less lightly.

Anyway, thanks again for the advice. It'll certainly help me in the decisions I have to make soon.

Now the question is - Should I have my 2nd baby (3 weeks old now) baptized??? It seems kinda irresponsible if I'm not sure how long I'll be remaining in the Church...

david

[DemBones DemBones]

3. As for having the new baby baptized, if you intend to raise the child

as a Christian, even nominally Christian, a Catholic baptism is recognized as a valid baptism by most other Christian churches. Somehow, I don't see you joining one that doesn't recognize Catholic baptism, like the Southern Baptists, Mormons, or Jehovah's Witnesses! But having a child baptized is certainly up to the parents.

Reading "The Dead Bird" to your boy could be a big help in explaining what happened to your cat when it happens.

[Matilda]

4. Things have changed a bit anyway, at least here they have.

I've met younger people over the past twenty or so years going to
Catholic schools who have never heard of Hell or even Purgatory.
I was surprised, but they pull right back on that now, which is a
good thing, I think. Heaven's still there, but obviously the
emphasis is more on living a good life here on earth.

My children didn't go to a Catholic school; we sent them to a Rudolf
Steiner Waldorf school instead, where the religion was non-
demoninational but also included the Steiner concept of reincar-
nation. So they didn't grow up with any fears of Hell either.
Of course, they also went to Mass regularly and went through all
the Sacraments, but nowhere in the classes they went to was there
anything about Hell. All the teaching was about the here and now,
with the emphasis on love, respect and tolerance for others. I
found all the messages to be very positive.