OK, fellow Catholics and Orthodox, it's time for

[DemBones DemBones]

some Catholic jokes to provide some relief from bad news! I know all Catholics know at least a few good Catholic jokes, but you Orthodox folks will have to help out and provide the Orthodox jokes.


Here's one to start us off:


Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me."

The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.'

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"

O8) O8) O8) O8) O8) O8) O8) O8) O8)

[DemBones DemBones]

1. Hello? Anyone here?

Did you hear about the guy who wanted a Porsche the worst way in the world. Since he was Catholic, the day he saw a Franciscan and a Jesuit talking together, he approached them and asked how many novenas it would take to get a Porsche. The Franciscan said "What's a Porsche?" and the Jesuit said "What's a novena?"

:rofl:

[Book Lover]

2. Tee-hee!

I'm afraid that I am too lapsed to have any jokes decent enough to share here, but I have to say that was pretty darn funny! :rofl:

[DemBones DemBones]

3. So your jokes are all indecent or you've

just forgotten all the jokes you used to know? :shrug:

[Book Lover]

4. A little from Column A,

a little from Column B! but this one I *do* remember (keeping in tone with yours)

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:

My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

GOD, O.P.

[DemBones DemBones]

5. That's a classic!

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

I think that one needs reworking, maybe "Then the Trappist just smiled."

[demosincebirth]

6. Your "darn" is funny enough

Couldn't resist.

[DemBones DemBones]

7. C'mon, augie, tell us a joke!

;-)

[demosincebirth]

10. Okay here's an old one

What did one burp say to another burp?









Lets be stinkers and come out the back way.

[demosincebirth]

12. Here is a real old one.

Why did the moron take a latter to mass?








He heard it was going to be a High Mass

[DemBones DemBones]

14. That really is an old one, but still funny.

There were so many little moron jokes and I can't remember any. I do better with elephant jokes but don't know any Catholic elephant jokes. (Are elephants Catholic?)


"How do you get four elephants in a Volkswagen?"

"Two in the back and two in the front."


"How can you tell if there's an elephant in the elevator with you?"

"You can smell the peanuts on his breath."

[Book Lover]

9. Hey, I want to keep it clean!

I'm trying to remember where I am in this group :-)

[Beer Snob-50]

8. I thought this was somewhat cute

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
> noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
> wore his collar that way.
>
> The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
>
> The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
>
> The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
> many."
>
> The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
> he doesn't wear his collar that way."
>
> The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"
> and went back to reading his book.
>
> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
> and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of
> your collar.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

11. If an Episcopalian may join in

Three elderly Catholic women were sitting around bragging about their children.

The first one said, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, everyone jumps up and says, 'Your Grace.'"

The second one said, "That's nothing. MY son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, everyone jumps up and says, 'Your Eminence.'"

The third one said, "Hmmph, well MY son is 6'8", and when he walks into a room, everyone jumps up and say, 'My God!"

[DemBones DemBones]

13. LOL, that's a good one, Lydia. Episcopalians are definitely

welcome here. My Episcopalian grandmother was very dear to me and I loved going to church with her.

[nxylas]

15. You might be Orthodox if...

Culled from the Internet:

You might be Orthodox if ...

(10) You are still in church more than ten minutes after the priest says, "Let us depart in peace."

(9) You forget to change your clock in the spring at Daylight Savings Time, show up an hour late, but the
service is still going on....

(8) ...but there are people in your community who still can't get to church on time when the clock gets
set _back_ an hour in the fall.

(7) You consider an hour long church service to be "short."

(6) You buy chocolate bunnies on sale (after Western Easter).

(5) When someone says, "Let us pray..." you reflexively stand up.

(4) You went to church four or more times in a week.

(3) Your priest is married...

(2) ...and your vocabulary includes at least three words that describe the wife of a priest.

And the number one sign you might be Orthodox is...

(1) You say a prayer before you pray!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More Signs ...You're Orthodox
You have varicose veins by the time you're twenty
You don't blink when water is thrown at you
A greasy forehead doesn't bother you
You are a wine connoisseur
You have a library of vegetarian cook books
You are 60 and can still bend over and touch the floor
You are a female under 30, yet you have a collection of head scarfs
You are a male under 20 that has a pair of leather shoes
You tend to buy shoes for comfort, not style
You can name a brand of chocolate that doesn't have milk or animal fats in it
You have Ancient Echoes in your CD collection
You think palms and pussy willows are the same thing
You know how to remove wax from clothing

[DemBones DemBones]

16. Great jokes! What rite do you belong to? I've been to

Greek Orthodox and Russian Orthodox services. They were both beautiful.

Doesn't "In the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" said while crossing oneself before praying count as a prayer before a prayer? Or do you have another prayer after that prayer but before you pray? O8)

[nxylas]

17. Baptised in the Greek Church

But I have belonged to both Greek and Russian parishes and am equally at home in both.

[shrike]

18. This isn't exactly a joke, but it's a funny story

A rabbi who writes a nationally syndicated column (can't remember his name) told the story of how he accompanied his buddy the Catholic priest, as the latter went to visit a Catholic patient at the local hospital.

The patient was terminally ill, and Father sat down next to her, held her hand, talked to her about the welcoming love of Christ. But the more he talked to her, the more upset she became.

"There, there," he said to her (or words to that effect), "The Kingdom of God awaits for all his children."

"But, but," the woman sobbed. "I'm only in here for a hernia operation!"

Yes, he'd gotten the wrong room. Wrong patient. I don't recall how he excused himself but he and the rabbi got out of there. And the rabbi made it quite clear that he was never going to let his buddy the priest live that down.

[DemBones DemBones]

19. Was it the priest and rabbi who often appear on tv together?

I think they may have written a book or books, too. Can't think of their names.

That poor woman was undoubtedly quite upset! "Er, Father, are you sure you're in the right room?"

A friend of mine was having major surgery for cancer and our priest showed up to anoint her, saying "You probably don't need this but it'll make me feel better," which I thought was a good way to handle a rather delicate situation. (As it turned out, although 75% of the people with that cancer die within five years, she's still fine sixteen years later.)

[shrike]

20. Might have been them

Yes, I'm sure the woman was very upset. But I liked the idea that the rabbi was never going to let his priest buddy live this one down . . .

[DemBones DemBones]

21. That sounds like the guys I'm talking about because

they kid each other a lot, as good friends often do. They explore what Catholics and Jews have in common, theologically and otherwise, are interesting to hear.

[AngryOldDem]

22. Msgr. Thomas Hartman and Rabbi Marc Gellman

Otherwise known as The God Squad.

I believe that Msgr. Hartman is quite ill so they don't appear often together anymore. They were frequently on Imus in the Morning, until Imus said something that deeply offended both.

Sorry, no jokes; just wanted to interject with this piece of information.

[DemBones DemBones]

23. Thanks for the info. Here's a joke in honor of "The God Squad"

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

[AngryOldDem]

24. I've always liked them

In fact, a few years back, they were in my city on a lecture tour. I toyed with getting a ticket, but I think I had a schedule conflict that day or something, so I couldn't go. Now that Rabbi Gellman is more or less on his own, I regret not seeing them.