I think I'm relapsing.fuck.

[undergroundpanther]

I have been feeling bad.Overwhelmed,I think I messed up my budget too.I am really short.I got maybe 10 bucks.I am losing time,and the nightmares are getting so bad I was scared to sleep alone last night.
I feel really out of it.I feel very alien and alone.I am getting dissociative headaches all the time.
I dread the holidaze.I feel abandoned my birthday was hard.I feel suicidal alot and I hear sounds and snippets of conversations.I dunno what to do.I feel this terrible dread,this anger and sadness,I cry and I feel have no one.I feel the future before me is hell.I feel like I am just waiting here in this lifeless house to die.I can't feel joy,it is dead.I wake up sweating heart pounding.Spontaniously I get the physical symptoms of panic without the emotions there.

One nightmare I had this weekend was of being thrown in a room . I was thrown in there so hard I hit the floor and was knocked out(in the dream). As I came too I saw the room it had steel walls and a round door kind of like a bank vault.
I tried to breathe,to yell for help, but I couldn't inhale. I dunno if the air had been taken out of the room or my lungs didn't work.It was terrifying.

[elleng]

1. SO SORRY.

Where in MD are you?

:hug:

[undergroundpanther]

2. I'm

In Harford county.I got to go try to sleep soon(wish me luck) cause I got my day program tomorrow.ugh.
Gonna try to get a moment with my overburdened counselor there. None of the counselors at Alliance have time to talk with clients,they have HUGE caseloads and shit loads of paperwork so nobody has any time.If you appear high functioning,and I do, I pretty much can go there for a week and my counselor won't say boo to me or ask if I'm doing ok.But she always makes sure the damn papers are signed. it's sad really,and it pisses me off.I have been in a crisis there before and last time it happened we had at least five interruptions for the ten or so minutes I was in her office trying to get my shit together.

[Odin2005]

3. Call your Psych, NOW!

:hug:

[EFerrari]

4. Still here.

:hug:

[Maraya1969]

5. So sorry you're having a down time. Know that it will pass.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[undergroundpanther]

6. sucks and stinks

Got up went to program.It was chaos today,everything was irritating the fuck out of me,even the normal sounds were like fingernails on chalkboard. Than I came home and was just exhausted, but too tired to sleep.So I laid down with my cats,listening to the noises in my head.Than at one point today I got really creeped out.I have no recall of what it was about .But I still managed to make banana pudding,homemade custard vanilla wafers and banana slices kind,and I will be cooking ..ugh.a huge turkey tommorrow.I feel like crap.Can't sleep,my muscles hurt,my scalp is having a zit fest and I am clawing up my scalp. I'm gonna try to sleep again,wish me luck.

[Maraya1969]

7. I hear the "noises in my head". Sometimes I put the tv on very low just to listen

to something that is not in my head. Actually I listen to Fox news! They have lulled me to sleep several times. I supposed one of the C-span channels would do the same thing.

I've had similar thoughts lately although not everyday. Yesterday I realized I was having a return of free floating anxiety. It helped when I put the name on it because before that I was just scared and waiting for the big panic attack to happen. Now that I know what it is I am not as scared as I was. But I hate the nighttime now. When I am feeling good I love the night because that is when I come alive. But when I am anxious the night is when the anxiety comes alive.

[undergroundpanther]

8. I love the night too

It's weird I just listen to the sounds in my head.I don't fear it.I kinda feel comforted by it.I think if I had just silence I'd lose it.I think this is because I spent 18 months in a 'quiet' room.That was before there were laws limiting use of seclusion/restraints.

Now I am very unmotivated,don't want to be doing anything.Spent the day vegging out.I dread weekends.For me weekends are lonely,isolated and pointless.I go from dread to apathy.I have had a headache all day.I have been clawing the crap out of my skin, my scalp had a few bumps awhile ago now it's a scabby mess.I'm wearing a bandanna to try to give it a chance to heal.

[Maraya1969]

9. Does your skin itch or is it a nervous resonse? Because when I go to bed

sometimes I start scratching all over, especially in my face. Now I take Benadryl and it goes away. The Benadryl also helps relax me.

(of course the cats and dogs running around probably do not help the situation)

I'm very unmotivated too lately. I think we should just be kind and gentle toward ourselves and let us be. :hug:

[undergroundpanther]

10. I already take allergy meds

and I get allergy shots. My allergist is really good.The scalp thing I think is a mix of psychological and physical.I do get very tranced out when I pick.It becomes a mess,I heal it up,than I get new zits and it starts all over again.

[Maraya1969]

11. You don't take prednisone shots do you? Because prednisone can really fuck with your

brain if you have a tendency towards those kinds of problems.

That being said I need to go to an allergist and start with the shots. Wearing a mask while cleaning or working out in the yard is getting old.

[undergroundpanther]

12. I've taken prednisone before

Pills, for my back,and yeah it made me a bit loopy.Didn't like it mentally, but it really helped the pain.So I put up with the 21 day regimen. After that, never again unless I have no other options.Ain't going there again. So I haven't took prednisone for over a year.

I see my psych on Monday,my therapist on Thursday.
I miss seeing her on Mondays.Weekends suck for me always because everything is shut down. I feel so trapped here,and the weekend just make the trapped feeling worse.

My sisters again didn't give a shit,never called nothing and I have repeatedly reached out to them and get no reply.

Yeah it hurts.

My mom is 500 miles away,I wish she'd move back but than again it might not be good for either one of us.I dunno.Whenever she comes down my sisters try to make her not take her own car,so I end up not seeing her much and that is how they manipulate how much I see her and it pisses me off,it pisses her off and I have no say in it.. My mom walked from my sisters house to my house last time she was up here.I couldn't walk down there because I was recovering from surgery.Mom said she hated being at my sisters house alone al day with no car while my sister was at work.
My first thought,and I didn't say it,was, than why do you expect me to like it year after year?

Ironic considering most of my life has been spent trapped at home alone day after day,after school waiting for people to get off work, or trying not to get cornered by my asshole father the drunk,I'd sit alone in my room,This is what life dumped on me as it is until this day,I have always been at home alone with no way to get out.If I wasn't trapped in a psych ward somewhere it was trapped at home. I hate suburbs,and I hate my life.

If I was to change things, I would live in a artist type community where no one was abandoned and it would be an asshole free zone.Everyone had their own space but there were places to gather.Places to go.

But as far as I can tell nothing on Earth exists like that.

[Odin2005]

13. Hope everything comes out OK!

:hug:

[Maraya1969]

14. Hey look what I found!

I have no idea how much money this costs or if it costs any money but I think it would be great staying here for awhile.

Either way it is something to dream about.


video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGHlWcpeTlY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGHlWcpeTlY

Cost

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