Being a cracked dude is tough on the ol' love life

[Tobin S.]

I have a mental illness called schizoaffective disorder. Pretty scary sounding, isn't it? For that reason I tell most people that I have bipolar disorder when I tell them that I have a mental illness. It's not much of a stretch. I have all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder plus a few of schizophrenia. People also usually have a little bit of an idea of what bipolar disorder is. They've heard of it. However, telling that little white lie hasn't helped me any.

I've been in treatment for 7 years and I've been symptom-free for that period of time.

For the past 2 years I've been looking for a partner. The main reason why I don't have a partner is because of this mental illness. It's not because of the way I treat women. I'm an easy going kind of guy and most of my potential mates have found me agreeable.....until I tell them that I have a mental illness. As soon as those words cross my lips it's all over- even though I've watered it down a little.

I told a woman today that I have bipolar disorder and she said she couldn't date me because of the ups and downs and the abuse. She automatically assumed that I have those qualities. I told her that I'm basically cured as long as I stay in treatment and that I've never abused anyone but myself, even when I was in the throes of this illness. It fell on deaf ears.

I've dated 8 women in the past two years and talked to many others. One was looking really promising there for a few weeks. I even told you guys it looked like I had a girlfriend, and I would have one right now if I hadn't disclosed my illness to her. It's gotten to the point where I just put it out there in my profile on the dating site. I don't even bother trying to get a date until after they know about the illness. Next, I think I'll get it tattooed on my forehead so as to avoid any confusion.

I've tried to find a nice mentally ill woman, but they don't usually advertise. So, I think I'm going to take up small engine repair at the local community college. I've got nothing better to do with my free time.

[mopinko]

1. that sucks so bad

i understand, but i think that it is harder on a guy. my daughter never lacks for partners. i am not sure what she tells them, as she has a certain amount of denial. hard to hide the symptoms forever, tho, and she is matter of fact about that end of it.
i think a guy with a mental illness just conjures up every serial killer ever committed to film.

maybe instead of small engine repair you should try flower arranging or something. ok kidding a little. but maybe an art class. something that is going to have a gender mix where you could meet someone without the pressure of the whole date thing. take a clay class. you will run into a more straight forward brand of female there, i think.

[Tobin S.]

2. Yes it does

I've accomplished almost everything that normal, responsible people do in this society, and considering where I've come from I've accomplished more than a lot of people could given the circumstances. By all outward appearances I am normal- good job, nice place, nice car. But I can't get hitched. I was thinking about the movie "Idiocracy" today. It seems very fitting right now given my state of mind. People who are dumb as a box of rocks find a way to attract someone and crank out about 20 kids. I'm relegated to porn sites and solitude.

Men usually pursue women and it's rarely the other way around. It doesn't matter how liberated a woman might think she is, chances are that she's very old fashioned in that regard. I know that from pursuing women for the last two years. They just wait for the guys to come to them and they do. That's the way we do it here in America. And because of social norms, women are not usually seen as dangerous- especially by men.

Ignorance is the problem I'm running into and no one feels like hanging around long enough to be enlightened. People who get to know me usually like to hang around me. I'm open-minded and I really listen to people. I'm not about superficial horseshit.

I probably sound bitter and I guess I am. As my step-dad likes to say, life is not fair.

[mopinko]

3. well pairing up is pretty central to being human. i once read a book called

"love's executioner". one of those case history sort of books by a shrink. he said the hardest thing to deal with is love obsession, because his job is to make people whole within themselves, but we are social animals, so we never really are whole just with ourselves. it is at our core.
and as a believer in evolutionary psychology, i agree with this. we are just elaborate packages for our dna. everything is really about replicating that dna.

so, you have a long row to hoe my friend. i hope you find it.

[Tobin S.]

5. The thing that's bothering me the most

is the thought of growing older and being alone. I don't need to have kids. I just want someone to come home to.

[Forkboy]

4. I gave up on any love life after my wife left.

If the most understanding person I knew in the world couldn't handle it then no one can. I think it may be easier for me than you though. I don't know your past, but I'm pretty much a loner and always have been, even as a kid (and from what my father says this loner stuff goes back on my father's side at least to my great great grandfather). So 90% of the time that I'm alone I'm totally happy to be that way (I'm pretty asocial, let me tell ya lol). The other 10% sucks, I admit.

I know about the looks and the way people act when they find out you're bipolar. It's like, "Oooo, potential serial killer!". You can see it in their eyes. For most of my life I felt I should be in a relationship, that I'm a better and happier person when I am, but now a relationship just isn't worth the hassle to me anymore. I'm not up for explaining my life, I'm not up for explaining how I really don't have the mood swings (I have energy swings)...like you say, it falls on deaf ears.

Maybe in your case the right person will come along if you're not looking so hard. All my relationships have come when I wasn't looking for them (and I've had a couple of great ones). Maybe meeting a woman in a non-date environment will give her the chance to get to know you better without the pressure of having to make it a relationship. Any kind of dating site has that pressure built right in, because that's the whole point of the things. So maybe a situation where the goal isn't a relationship will actually make things more conducive to there being one. Does that make any sense?

I like the idea of going back to school, but mopinko has a good idea in that maybe a class with a better gender mix might be a cool idea. I met a great woman in my old art class and we had some fun years. :)

[Tobin S.]

6. I became mentally ill when I was 20

and did not receive treatment until I was 30. I'm 37 now. I haven't really had a strong desire to be in a long term relationship until the past 2 years. When I was suffering from my symptoms I think Mars probably would have been too close of a location to humans for me. :)

This might sound kind of weird coming from a guy, but sex is not the prime directive for me. I know how to take care of that on my own. I just need companionship. You'd think that would make things easier, but it's actually made things more difficult.

I think you are right about looking outside of the dating site for someone. I have a bit of a problem, though, in that regard. I'm an atheist and I don't drink so churches and bars are out of the question for me. Being an atheist makes it harder to find someone on the dating site too, btw, if you are honest about it. Many people flat out won't date an atheist. You'd think they'd want to try to save my soul or something. :)

A woman was flirting with me in the laundromat the other day.... :D

[elleng]

8. Laundromats, Starbucks, etc., etc., etc.

and libraries?

try UUs. uua.org athiesm irrelevant.

:hug:

[Forkboy]

11. And grocery stores.

I get women flirting with me there a lot for some reason. Talk about flirting with disaster! :)

[elleng]

12. There's one in DC, kind of known for that,

referred to as the Social Safeway!

[Forkboy]

14. I think some even have Singles nights.

I know one around here did for a long time before it closed down.

"You come to the produce section often? What's your sign?"

"10% off!"

[elleng]

15. LOLOL!

[Forkboy]

13. Not looking for sex isn't as strange as many men would like women to think.

I happen to be pretty sexual and consider it a healthy part of any relationship, but I would never base a relationship on the sex, and if I truly care about the person the sex isn't even necessary at all. Us guys learn young to...uh..handle these things on our own if need be (you mean THIS happens when I rub it! And I can do that anytime I want?! What's the catch?)

Sex is great, but it's not love, and too many confuse the two. It can be a component of the love you feel for someone, but it'll never replace love itself.

And the laundromat is better than bars any day! I can't stand the bar scene, and when I go to clubs I'm there strictly for the music. We went to see some bands last Saturday and this girl was flirting with both me and my friend and as soon as the music started we scrammed to the front of the stage and left her at the bar. She was pretty attractive and I'm betting she's not used to men walking away, let alone two of them at once! But I didn't pay ten bucks to get in to engage in jibber jabber...a cool band was playing, dammit!

Can't figure out why I'm single. :)

[EFerrari]

9. I always was found or found someone when I wasn't looking, either.

If you do something you love with other people, the chances are good you'll find a friend there and maybe a lover.

But I'd stay out of theaters and comedy clubs.

lol

[Forkboy]

10. "But I'd stay out of theaters and comedy clubs."

Well, that rules out us ever meeting. :rofl:

[elleng]

7. SO SORRY, Tobin S.

Think of you often.

:hug:

[mdmc]

16. check out NAMI

they have a new web site called 'strength of us' or something.. It would be worth checking out..
Also, NAMI has local meetings.. check it out and network..

If you are not a peer mentor, I would also recommend that you look into becoming one..