I hate my life.

[undergroundpanther]

I feel an unnamed dread that never resolves..I feel so broken,detached,like alive but dead.My network of freinds has dwindled.I have nowhere to go,no reason to stay either,I just exist.The stress is tearing me apart.The bills.I had to get Jon out,and things are so tight financially I dunno what to do.My existance is so pointless I feel no joy in doing anything,I even forget to eat.I got this kidney issue but no one has said boo to me about it..I can't remember stuff I just feel anxiety. My counselor is too busy with so much to take time to help.As for my therapist I'm still with the old one because my counselor hasen't followed up yet.For the past 2 appointments with her I have woke up sick,really sick,physically. Maybe there is no help that anyone could do maybe my brain is fried from the past and there is no way to repair the damage.I live in a black iron cage.Nothing matters anymore.

Starsign by Apoptygma Berzerk

It's about time that this world goes up in flames

Like a bolt from the blue descending from the sky
My brain collapses in the dead of night
Too much for my psyche, another crack-up
If you're awake please join me
All the things you see,the same as what I see
we listen to the sound of a nervous breakdown
a death wish blends with the will to live
One of the things that freaks me out

I'm waiting for the sign
have to leave this place behind
Where no one knows my name
And later we'll come down
We'll both break down and cry our last good bye

I break the chains I'm out of line
I'm living on nerves last days of ninety-nine
nightmare,conspiracy,depression,and lunacy
I need to feel more love inside
Locked up,messed up,maybe there is no tomorrow
all this thinking does me no good
I'll miss you my love but it's about time
that this world goes up in flames

I'm waiting for the sign
have to leave this world behind
where no one knows my name
And later we'll come down
we'll both break down and cry and say our last good bye

That this world goes up in flames...

[proudohioan]

1. Best I can offer is

:hug:

Please know that you are not alone.

[Odin2005]

2. (((HUGS)))

Everything'll be OK! :hug:

[chillspike]

3. These talks always make me feel better

Here's one I especially like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fb4IYpKYRA

There are many more here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA

[hunter]

4. Hello!

:hug:

[mdmc]

5. chin up panther

courage my friend..

[Control-Z]

6. I've read a lot of your posts

over the years, mostly in GD or on the greatest page. And though I don't often respond, I relate to just about everything you say. I've often thought that you may be one of the few people in this world who might actually understand how I feel.

I try to keep it to myself - look upbeat for my kids, but I can't begin to count the number of times I mutter under my breath how much I hate my life.

I also wonder if too much damage has been done for me to ever recover. My future ex has called me damaged goods. Though I guess it may be true, it hurts like hell to hear.

[mzteris]

7. "damaged goods"

and how much f'ing DAMAGE DID HE DO, eh?

Yeah, we have problems, but for the @ssholes who contributed to them to slam you for it? Beyond all decency in my book.

I've been going through a VERY ROUGH PATCH! Partly cause I had no idea going off my thyroid med - which made me feel crappy - would make me really out-of-control despondent and teary. I'm back on it pending a visit to a new endocrinologist to see if a new formulation will work better, and so I'm "stablizing" a little bit. . . though, stable for me is still pretty damned depressed next to most other people.

My "almost ex" (please dear god just get the papers SIGNED!) - likes to frequently refer to my "mood swings" - even though he now knows I had a gd mf'ing BRAIN TUMOUR that was contributing to those "mood swings" - that and his drinking and gambling and other - um - extra-curricular - activities that made me really crazy. . . . I mean really - how dare he comment on "my" depression when his behaviours contributed significantly to my being depressed!

I got news for ya - going through MENOPAUSE TWICE IN FIVE YEARS IS NO F"ING PICNIC!!

[Control-Z]

9. You hit the nail on the head.

'and how much f'ing DAMAGE DID HE DO, eh?'

After living through some pretty awful stuff in my life, I'd still never felt like damaged goods. It wasn't until he was through with me that I felt damaged. It was he who damaged me, and then he pointed it out to my children and taught them to call me crazy because of the depression I suffered.

Your husband sounds like he could be my husband's brother. His drinking, drugging and womanizing/cheating - his destruction of our family - is what did me in. I still haven't found my way back to even reasonable functioning. On my best days I am still depressed but I decided a few years ago that my only choice was to pretend. The only way to make him stop criticizing me for my state of mind was to deny him any evidence of the depression and anxiety.

It's really hard, though. A little love and support would probably change the world for me. Instead, I'm alone, keeping up a fake front, that only seems to make the depression more permanently a part of me. Moments of hope are few and fleeting.

[undergroundpanther]

10. control z

thanks for the kind thoughts,and yeah i feel damaged too,but i know it isn't all my fault that i am who i am and that bothers certain asshole types. I'm' not an abuser, my integrity is intact,so in some sense i think i am undamaged in spite of the damage done. However knowing this has not made my life easier or the pain hurt less.

[mzteris]

8. wish I could say something to help

other than :hug: - and you're definitely not alone.