I'm in shock - was diagnosted as bipolar II today...

[liberalmuse]

Boy, that kind of came out of the blue. I'd always suspected I was crazy, but thought it was because I was so angry with the 2000 election, and then more recently, I attributed it to hormones.

I went to the doctor yesterday due to upper back pain and feeling like I was going to pass out for the past couple of days. The doctor felt my back and said my muscles were all tensed up on my right side. Then it came up that I hadn't been sleeping lately, mostly due to peri menopausal symptoms (night sweats, heart pounding, anxiety about work, etc.). Then the doctor asked about my family history (lots of crazy, suicides) and I mentioned that I'd been having mood swings starting about the same time as the menopausal symptoms - about a month ago. I'd always gotten sort of manic every few weeks where I have tons of energy and more creativity than usual but had attributed that to the full moon or something. I'd also been depressed since I moved up here to Washington because there is NO. Fucking. Sun. most of the time. And I have a very high stress job that I absolutely loathe, but I am 47 and not exactly ripe for the job market - and lucky to have a job in this economy.

Next thing I know, my doctor is prescribing Clonezapam to help me sleep, then I get set up for an appointment today where I was officially diagnosed as bipolar II with mood swings, and was prescribed Lithium. WTF??? I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone other than the people on this anonymous forum. I'm afraid to take the Lithium. I don't want to be a zombie, but I also know I've been a mess lately. I'd always suspected and joked about being nuts, but I guess this proves it. Is anyone here taking Lithium? I'm a bit scared.

[Forkboy]

1. I wouldn't take the lithium when they wanted me too...

...but only because I had no desire to get blood drawn once a month to keep checking my kidney functions. I know people who have taken it though with no troubles at all (my father was on it for quite awhile). I'm just asocial and try to limit my exposure to other humans. :)

If you're really worried about it tell your doctor, because there's a whole slew of other meds they can try instead. They all seem to be a mixed bag, offering some good and some bad. None have really worked for me too well, but some have had a slight positive effect. I had decent luck with Lamictal, but you have to be careful as you start it and slowly build up to the dosage you'll need. I had the worst luck with Paxil and Depakote. But again, we're all so different that one med can mess up one person and totally help another. Give one some time, and if you don't like it try a different one. The zombie effect gets to me too, and that's why I switch around.

I've been on various meds for 6 years now, but three months ago I stopped them entirely...and I thinking this last week that it was a mistake. The trouble is, I truly enjoy being manic. It's when I feel like I'm actually me, like it's the closest to the real me. I love the energy, I love the creativity, I love the lucid thinking...but the lack of sleep is an issue. After 3-5 days minus any sleep being manic takes it's toll. Ideally, I could be manic for 18 hours a day and then flip a switch and shut it down so I could sleep for the other 6. I don't think there's a med for that though.

To be honest, the thing that works better than all the meds I've tried is marijuana. Helps me sleep, helps take the edge off the mania just enough to concentrate and focus, gives me an appetite, etc. And it makes music sound even cooler as well! Too bad I can't afford it. x(

Good luck!

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. I hear that, but I only want the euphoric mania not the panicky one or the one where I

could crawl out of my skin or kill myself. Stupid brain chemistry. I don't even know what normal is.

[GreenPartyVoter]

2. Welcome to the club. I won't take Lithium because it scares me too. I worry about not drinking

enough while on it, and because of my colitis. If you don't want the Lithium tell them so and maybe they will try you with something else.

BTW, I was a really late diagnosis too, because they didn't have a BP2 diagnosis when I was younger. (I even tried to tell my shrink back in college that I thought I was bipolar and he said no, no you have anxiety and depression with some panic issues.) *sigh* So anyway, it's not a moral failing or bad character on your part. Just a screwy brain chemistry. Not your fault. :hug:

[liberalmuse]

23. I ended up getting off of it...

A few days after I upped the dose to 600 mg, I had a very bad week. I don't know why I had the worst depression I'd ever felt, and was unable to control my emotions. I'm told that is unusual for Lithium. Ended up having a semi-private meltdown in my cube on Friday after a very stressful week which included lots of overtime, getting yelled at by sales people and dealing with a huge, rather nasty contract. I also had constant hot flashes, and sweats during the day every time my adrenaline started pumping, and that was a lot since work was hectic. I honestly thought I was going to get fired on Monday because of my behavior last week, which was erratic, but apparently it wasn't as bad as it felt, thank dog. I even made my boss jump by answering a question a little too enthusiastically.

Lithium has worked for many people, but it's just not for me. That's some hardcore stuff. This week was world's better. I now have the energy and will to work out - if I sweat during the day on the treadmill, I don't have night sweats. My doctor won't give me hormones for peri-menopause because of a family history of breast cancer. That, combined with a very high stress job, and again, family history helped exacerbate the mood swings. The Bush years sure as hell didn't help my mental health, either, LOL.

[liberalmuse]

4. I appreciate the responses...

It helps to know what others think about this, and that you're not alone. Thank you!

I think I'm going to hold off on taking any more Lithium unless I feel a real loss of control coming on. My main issue is anxiety (mostly from my job) and not being able to sleep many nights (again, because of stressing over my job). The mania I get used to help with creativity - I do mosaic art, and it helps to get in 'the zone'. Problem is, with the peri-menopause added in, 'the zone' is more frustrating than creative these days. Freakin' hormones!

I didn't take the Clanezapam last night and slept okay, but was still up several times drinking water, then emptying the bladder because I had taken the Lithium the night before. I just hate prescription drugs, but have been known to 'self-medicate' with alcohol, which I try not to do these days. I'll tell you though, the side effects of alcohol seem better than the Lithium - but then you can't go anywhere if you drink. To be honest, I felt very uncomfortable driving yesterday after taking Lithium. I even went over a curb trying to park. NOT good. That one dose made me feel weird - like I was going to tip over to the side. That came and went throughout the day.

[Odin2005]

5. Don't be scared!

:hug:

[amyrose2712]

6. Hello...

I am sure it is a little scary but you shouldn't feel embarrassed. You are not alone. Although I have not been diagnosed myself, my sister and my BF of 15 years have and I wanted to lend my support. Just know you have nothing to be ashamed of. And I don't know much about the Lithium, but the meds that they are on have made tremendous improvements in their lives. I am glad that you feel comfortable enough to talk here because the people that frequent this forum can be quite supporting and knowledgeable. Good luck. As many here would probably agree,a good relationship with your Drs is key. Best wishes.

[liberalmuse]

9. Thank you.

The responses are wonderful and it is nice hearing from people who are experiencing this themselves or are close to someone that is. :)

[hedgehog]

7. It sounds like you need a second opinion and an appointment with

a doctor you trust who will take the time to talk to you. If you are bipolar, the problem is that you can slip into mania without realizing you're getting yourself into trouble. "I don't need those pills, I'm doing perfectly fine. In fact, I'm feeling so good I think I'll spend the week-end in Vegas......" If you are bipolar, you need to be able to talk with someone in person about what's going on in your life and in your head.

FWIW, I do know someone who has been taking lithium for several years. She leads a normal, active & creative life. Lithium works for her, but that's no guarantee it'll work for you. Again, my advice is to get a second opinion.

On edit: a psychologist or psychiatric nurse can do the talking and a doctor do the prescribing.

[liberalmuse]

10. I think I might...

My old doctor left, so the doctor I saw on Wednesday was new. I told her I was having trouble sleeping, and in my records, my family history is not too good (mom diagnosed with chronic depression but will not seek treatment, father and brother committed suicide, etc.). It probably freaked her out when I said I hadn't been able to get a good night's sleep, mostly due to hot flashes/night sweats. I went in initially because I was feeling like I was going to pass out and I'm still feeling awful, but it could be the heat/peri-menopause combination. I was also having sharp upper back pain, but she said my muscles were all tense. Anyway, I think a 2nd opinion is good. My best friend of 20 years thinks it's peri-menopause. She went through something similar with hormone imbalance. She doesn't think I'm bipoloar 2 - but then again, she's my friend and is used to the way I am, LOL.

I guess what scares me about taking Lithium is I don't know too much about it, and I'm afraid I won't enjoy nature and the simple pleasures as much, or have bursts of creativity anymore if I do. I had a friend years ago who was on it for a long time and had to be taken off and put on other meds because of the toxicity - and that's when things got bad. Before then, I had no idea she was bipolar until she told me. She always had a bottle of water with her and was very active, and didn't seem to be listless or in a zombie state (my misconceptions, again).

I greatly appreciate your advice. I think seeking out another opinion is a very good idea. Tonight I think I might start taking the Lithium. I'm ready to part with the depression, but just not the 'high's' I get from simple things. The latter is what I don't want to lose. The 'crazy', the lows and the hypo-mania or abundant energy that doesn't produce anything I can do without.

[EFerrari]

16. I know painters and poets and writers and actors

and at least half of them are on some kind of med. Meds, when they're helping, do not make you into someone else or even cut into your creative "bursts". And Lithium is one of the gentlest ones, iirc.

[mopinko]

19. just so you know- everybody says that.

the good part of the mania end is what makes bipolar such a troublesome mess to deal with. you feel like you are on top of the world. more perfect than perfect. what's not to like? yeah. till you buy a car you can't afford, and start a small business that doesn't have a snowballs chance of doing anything but draining your bank account.

good to get a second opinion, and a third if you want. all you will have done is talked to more people and gotten more information, whether they all agree or not. and if you are having sleep problems, i would look to treat that as aggressively as possible. sleep is the foundation of mood, and screwed up sleep can jack you up in a big way.

take care, and keep in touch.

[mopinko]

8. i'm sure your head is spinning. it will take some time to sort out.

lithium is a simple and reliable drug that lots of people do very well on. some docs like to start with the newest bells and whistles, and some like to start with the old standbys. what is your philosophy about such things? lithium is also cheaper than any of the fancy new stuff. do you have insurance for prescriptions?
the biggest problem that i know of is that you have to taper off very slowly, and be very conscious of your state of mind while you do. not that you should quit any of the newer drugs cold turkey, either. but for a disorder where people have a tendency to think that they are fine and dandy half the time, it is really tempting to quit.

you do need someone that you can confide in and trust, at least until you get a hold of things. especially while you try to find the right meds and the right dose. things might be a lot bumpier for a while.

take care of yourself. keep us up to date.

[liberalmuse]

11. My philosophy is basically I don't like taking pills, LOL.

I'm not a 'drug' person at all. Alcohol - yes, but I've no trouble quitting that cold turkey and basically have used it in the past to control my nerves. I only just started taking vitamins some months ago, and that was because I was low on Vitamin D and iron. I also had to take allergy meds for years (Clariton D and the like) due to horrible allergies that have oddly disappeared this past year. Thankfully I stopped those early last year.

I've confided in a few people - my best friend believes that the diagnosis is wrong - but her life is so much more complicated then mine and I'd rather lend her my ear than the opposite. My mom acknowledged that she has the same issues with depression, which shocked me, because she refused the diagnosis of chronic depression she received some years ago and stated that Jesus would heal her. She surprised me again by saying that if I was feeling depressed, it was good to start meds, but she is suffering from breast cancer and I don't want to bother her with this any more than I have to this point. My sister is also very supportive, and admitted she'd been depressed lately to the point where it was affecting her job - and that is so unlike her since she is very outgoing and not prone to depression. She recently had a hysterectomy, and I think that might have something to do with it. She's also dealing with my nephew having a chronic disorder, neurofibromitosis, and he may need back surgery because his back is hunching. I guess this is why I'm posting at DU. I'm glad I did, though. The people here are wonderful, full of valuable information, and very supportive, and that means a lot. It's just nice because one isn't always comfortable going to people in the 3D world with stuff like this.

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond. It is much valued and appreciated!

[mopinko]

14. nobody likes pills for anything. i have chronic pain issues

and sure the hell wish i didn't have to take my handful of pills every day. every once in a while i dial things down to remind myself of what life is like without them. doesn't usually take long to remember.
mortality sucks.

[whathehell]

12. Yes, Liberalmuse...I got the same diagnosis (Bi-polar II) a few years ago, and trust me..You're not

crazy...I was upset about it too and challenged my therapist on it, using Bi-polar I examples, saying "I'm not like that"!....I asked her what traits I exhibited to make her think that (previously I thought I was just Depressed.

Some symptoms she gave me: Pressured speech, some anger issues....I had to admit she was right. She prescribed a low dose of lithium and said "Just try it..If you don't like it, you can stop"...So I did.

Here's the deal: She prescribed me the LOWEST does which was 300 miligrams...I took it and "felt like a zombie"....My solution?...I broke it in HALF and voila!..no "zombie feeling" and since it does, kind of "mellow me out", I've been taking it in the low does ever since.

Believe me...I know about the "embarrassed" feeling..Initially, I was even embarrassed in front of the pharmacists!...In addition, I worried about "other people" knowing..but as my very supportive spouse put it "Who has to know?...We just won't tell anyone"...A simple and effective solution...Except for doctors and boards like this, it's just not mentioned.

If you're self-conscious about it, do what I do and keep it on a "need to know" basis....Believe me, there are LOTS of us out there. As a very stable seeming friend of mine once said.."Everyone I know has had SOME kind of mental health problem or incident..including me..and she went on to tell me about her "out of the blue" panic attack.

When you first get this (or any other psychological diagnosis, it seems).You feel "different"...You look around and think "Every one around me seems normal"...But guess what?...Lots of them are "just not telling"....There are SO many people taking medication for some sort of mental/emotional disorder...believe me..You're not "different".

Myself, I'm just glad that I don't have a SERIOUS mental disorder like Schizophrenia or even Bipolar

Did you know, btw, that Jane Pauley is Bi-polar?..She revealed it some years back..Talk about a surprise!..Jane Freaking Pauley?..."Ms. Girl next door" personified! I don't know whether she's Bi-polar I or II, but I suspect Bi-polar I as she was hospitalized for it...It doesn't seem to have wrecked her life, and believe me, it won't wreck yours either.:-)

Happy trails...Feel free to pm me if you want.

[mopinko]

13. anyones medical history is theirs to share or not.

there is still a lot of ignorance out there, and i can't blame anyone for not sharing their dx with anyone who might not react rationally. a perfectly valid strategy.

[liberalmuse]

24. Oh wow, that really helps.

I was okay on the low dose (300 mg) but as soon as I raised it to 600 mg all hell broke lose. I was just following the instructions my doctor gave me. I wish I'd had the foresight to keep the dose low. I only stayed on the high dose for a week and then quit it altogether. It scared me. I scared me. I know I have issues, especially with anger and the inability to handle stress. I may try your solution of half a pill if I feel I'm starting to stress again. After the experience I had with the higher dose, I feel like a new person since quitting it. It was that bad.

I really appreciate your taking the time to tell your story. It's been very helpful reading all the advice here. Thank you!

[Duer 157099]

15. I know this will sound off the wall, but next time you have blood drawn

can you ask them to check your vitamin D levels?

You've acknowledged that you notice a difference being in a different latitude, so you may want to think about vitamin D and calcium levels. Can't hurt to check.

Good luck, best to you.

[BeHereNow]

17. Take a look at this web site: I've learned SO much from this woman.

http://www.bipolarhappens.com/

My daughter was diagnosed approximately 3 years ago.
She has taken various medications and seems to be on a fairly good "cocktail"
now. It can take some time, finding the right medication.

Interestingly enough- her doctor told me that researchers are investigating the connection
between BP and hormone levels.

For your female problems, I HIGHLY suggest finding a docter who is
familiar with NATURAL progesterone from a compounding pharmacy.

I take 200mg each night before bed and sleep like a baby.

I began having panic attacks after my daughter's diagnosis-
her manic episodes were dangerous and completely out of control.

My old doctor put me on Zanax- a drug straight from hell.

My new doctor prescribed Ativan for my anxiety disorder, which
completely crippled me for nearly two years.

I LOVE Ativan- it has given me my life back.

Most important thing to know is this: You are not alone.
There is far too much stigma in our society where mental health is concerned, IMHO.
We need to understand conditions and treat people with compassion, not as though
they were guilty of some moral failing due to brain activity beyond their control.
:grouphug:

The link I gave you has EXCELLENT information about all aspects of BP-
including various medications.
BHN

[mopinko]

18. good to see you. great to hear that you are getting a

handle on things. hoping for continued success for you and for your daughter.

[BeHereNow]

20. Thank you Mo...

It's been a rough road.
How are you? Your son?
((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you~
BHN

[mopinko]

21. daughter.

we are doing great. she has settled down considerably. left the boyfriend from hell, and is sadly paying off the credit card bill that he mostly ran up. living with a nice fellow who takes care of his folks out in the burbs. she will no doubt need a helping hand from time to time. she is getting back in school in sept. she missed the year, after moving, and working full time to pay off her debts. refusing to take any meds, but getting by. we will see what the future brings on that front.
my kids are pretty grown, which is a great feeling. the baby is 17, and perfect as ever. not sure how we will handle it a year from now when all 5 of my kids will be in college. but they are growing up to be great people.

[BeHereNow]

22. Oh sorry, I thought it was your son...

Credit cards are the invitation to Satan's ballroom for young people.

My niece had a similar situation with the father of her children- thank God she never married
him as he has turned out to be nothing but trouble. Jail, alcoholic and prescription drug addicted.
She is STILL trying to move on, with two autistic children in tow- their father is absolutely NO help,
but she did have the good sense to FINALLY cut him off from her bank accounts and credit cards.
Love to you and yours MO,
BHN

[nightrain]

25. just happened upon this post...and I haven't deeply read all the responses.

What occurs to me is to explore treating the peri-menopausal sxs. There are bio-identical estrogen/progesterone/DHEA creams that might be of great benefit to you. Probably a good thing to be sure that the sxs you have are, or are not, something physiological first. And yes, lack of sun can have an impact. How about seeing someone to explore the family/job/etc issues?