I'm almost afraid to post this, but I feel isolated in my anger and grief

[polly7]

and feel this is a good sounding board, even if no one reads it. My Dad / hero / person I admire more than anyone else in the world is seriously, possibly chronically ill. I have 8 brothers and sisters, 7 who see him occasionally, like twice a year. I've been running him for four years now for everything from diagnostics 3 hours away to treatments 3 / 4 days a week. The 7 absent siblings are now 'stepping up', angry that not enough has been done. They are putting down my brother and I who have taken sometimes weeks at a time off work, scoured every specialist on the internet and seen more of them we can count. All of a sudden, they know it all, if only we'd done this, or taken him here ............ well, we've taken him everywhere we can think of and every day talk about what else we shoudl be doing. The thought of losing him is killing me. I know the fear they're now feeling, we've been feeling it from the start. It's just really hard. Not sleeping for 4 / 5 days at a time with worry is messing me up and I'm about to tell them all to KMA, but that would make things worse for Dad. I guess I just need to drum up a bit more strength to deal with the criticizing, backstabbing stuff, but it's hard. If you haven't stepped up or bothered to worry yourself or sacrifice a trip or two to see him, it's not fair at all to make those of us who have feel guilty and to blame. We've tried so hard, this is driving me back into deep, deep depression at a time I need to be strong. I am also an EMT / Paramedic Basic but suddenly, they're all experts on his very rare condition and what I or my brother looking after him say, means nothing. These siblingss are the ones who've all moved away years ago and see my Dad at weddings and holidays only. Of course they're worried, but I see my family falling apart and can't do a thing about it. Sorry for the rant. No concentration right now to do anything tonight and just felt like venting something, somewhere ....

[laylah]

1. I wish I had more to

offer than :hug:

My family went through something similar 9 years ago when my mom passed, only half of the family (3 of 6) was here in IL yet is was one sister that did the lion's share. Your resentment and anger are justified. You and the brother you spoke of, have done well, very, very well. Do NOT let anyone, family or otherwise, take that away from you.

I am so sorry for the imminent loss you are facing. My thoughts and prayers for a peaceful passing for your dad, and for peace between you and your sibs, are with you all.

Jenn

P.S. You don't ALWAYS have to be "strong". You have been carrying a very large burden for some time. :hug:

[polly7]

2. Thank you. I'm so sorry about your Mom.

I don't know, I just feel like there's something we've missed, yet I don't know where else to turn except keep hounding specialists. It's just really hard and the thought of him passing is unbearable right now. The added hostilities have gotten to the point I'm afraid to even talk to them anymore, for fear of an argument that will get back to him. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers, your reply means more tonight than you can know.

[laylah]

3. My energy is done for the day...

in the meantime, please know I am thinking of you and will write more tomorrow. In the meantime, breathe and stop beating yourself up! Things ALWAYS happen as they are supposed to, no matter how much we try to orchestrate :hug:

Thinking of you,
Jenn

[fizzgig]

4. i have no advice or words of wisdon

but i do have plenty :hug:

i can't imagine what you're going through and i wish you luck in your journey. you and yours will be in my thoughts.

[polly7]

5. Thank you for the replies, I appreciate your thoughts.

Things have gone from bad to worse. The last trip going up to the ER to see my Dad my Mom of course told me how much he hated me, everybody did ........ news to me, but oh well, I just didn't let on at the Hospital. She called me to tell me he needs to go back up tomorrow, I said of course I could drive. Meanwhile, she's asked my niece to drive. I asked her if she didn't want me driving anymore, not confrontational ....... only because I'm trying to fit in time for a Paramedic Bridge course coming up. Well, my brother heard this and called me every name in the book, screaming as loud as he could, calling me a psychopath, why did I have to hurt her, fists clenched, ready to punch me ...... . He has no idea why I asked her, he has no idea what she's told me on nearly 5 years of trips, usually with my Dad in tears in the back seat while I tried to ignore her. My brother would never answer his phone if he knew it was me asking for company on these trips just to help Dad out. He'd see me downtown, find out we were going and say "better you than me". Well, now he's made sure the remaining 7 sibs think I'm out to hurt my Mom and Dad for some odd reason, the Dad I love more than anyone in the world. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid to visit my Dad and it's killing me because I know a lot of them will be in there and I just can't stomach facing liars and trouble-makers who have never offered to help in all the years I begged them for it. Just so tired ..

[laylah]

11. Please, sweet person,

please pm me! In the meantime, know YOU have gone above and beyond. Know YOU did what was right! KNOW you were there when the others were not! Know THEY have their own Karma to spend, good and bad.

I am so sorry to hear of your Daddy's suicide...how much pain he must have been in. So sad, so very sad :hug:

[polly7]

6. Now I'm sorry I posted the above.

My Dad killed himself last night. His illness made the decision for him. I can't believe I let the above bother me compared to what I feel today.

[HereSince1628]

7. My condolences.

You were upset and trying to be honest about your feelings.

[mopinko]

8. oh my god.

my deepest condolences. how absolutely horrible that you not only lost your dad, but that you have to deal with so much acrimony in your family. i hope that you all can find a way to heal after such a trauma. it would be awful to lose your dad, and your siblings as well.
peace and light.

[polly7]

9. Thanks for the kindness. It's amazing that even words from strangers

on a message board can help ........ and they do. The world lost a good, kind soul last night and I'm not just saying that because he is my Dad, he's the type of person you could trust your heart with. Tomorrow we do funeral arrangements, I'm praying for peace.

[laylah]

10. OMG! Polly dear...

my thoughts and prayers are with you and your Daddy (they will always be "Daddy" to we girls). May he pass peacefully. I am so very sorry for your loss :hug:

Jenn