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Well,My mental health is going to shit.I have gotten a new therapist psych and program. They are very different than most I have been to.There were actually 2 psychiatrists who actually wanted to work with me. All my life it felt as if the staff were drawing straws to see who'd get stuck with me.. when I went for help.But,despite this good change,I'm still so messed up.
I noticed a big uptick in my symptoms.Been depressed since the fiasco with alliance/Andrefski,having to kick jon out of my life,finding out my alliance therapist didn't know squat about treating trauma..I wonder if trauma works on you like repeated exposures to toxins..What this analogy is, you can only take so many "hits" against the body as in toxic exposures or poisoning,sickness until your body loses it's capacity to heal, or the cells in your body start manufacturing bad DNA. I wonder if a person has too many experiences that are traumatic,the mind begins to lose resilience and it cannot take much more stress until it disintegrates..
I wonder this because before I had some resilience,I could bounce back.But this time after going through this crap that was very painful,that basically tore my life apart,I'm not able to get it together again like I used to..for 6 months I have been unable to motivate myself,I've become a couch potato and I forget to eat,drink,I don't want to do anything,everything is grey.
I'm always tired but I can't sleep worth shit..Some times I am awake from 10 am,until noon the next day.The day passes into night, I notice it's 6 am the sun is up so I try to sleep.I get maybe 4 hours and I'm up again until the next day,late. I am dog tired and my body will not let me sleep.My sleep clock has become totally nocturnal again.
Yesterday? I think it was yesterday during group at the new place I go, I was not able to manage shit internally. This has gotten to be a really awkward and hard to cope with is,sue.Worse than I thought it was.I find I am switching out I am totally unaware of it ,and apparently it happens often. I used to be able to co- manage,to keep a track of incidents and stuff I have to do, but not anymore.
At the group during program, someone took over inside and said some suicidal stuff and I had no sense anything happened afterwards. As I got coffee to feel more alert to get through the rest of the day, suddenly a lady staff I did not know but apparently knew,the program director,asked to talk ,we went to another room and she asked about suicidalness.She had called my therapist and she joined in after a minute or so.. At first I had no clue why I was called in there. I was a bit uneasy,especially after being fucked with by alliance. I asked them what was going on,than I could not hold presence. I found out what it was all about,from them.I apologized,and the memory was given to me after the fact.
It has been very hard trying to have any sort of continuity of time or memory.It has been so very exhausting..
The urges to cut are off the charts.I haven't done any art for months I have no inspiration,no desire to do anything.
Alot of weird shit is happening,inside me and I don't know what to do.I am so very tired.
I miss coming to DU and participating. But I just lurk and after awhile sometimes my body shuts down and I lay here awake but not feeling good at all.I have a new strange thing going on in my head.I have had tinnitus for years,it has always sounded the same.I got it from being too close to a lightening strike years ago(long story). Suddenly the tinnitus has become variable in it's pitch.It's annoying more because the tinnitus also has developed an acoustic quality to it that feels like motion , it pulses from one ear to the other ear.
In my head I feel like something is freaking out,clawing tearing,throwing itself around to get out it makes my head feel like I want to drill a hole in my skull to make it stop or to let it go.I noticed this change like 5 months ago, it wasn't so severe than and it didn't happen much than so I thought it was pressure changes,effects of allergies..but now this feeling and the dizzy pulsing happens like 75 or more times a day and it is worse. It has an electrical quality,and I tried to figure out what could be causing it but I have ran out of possible causes. It just is.
My hands have become clumsy I drop things alot.My neurotic fingernail biting has gotten so bad the skin is torn as far down as past the second joint.I have been using alot of band aids.
There is alot of thought bleed over between people inside ,I hear the others talking more than ever but it is just out of my range of hearing to understand what they're saying. So it gets very confusing.I have been very irritable at times too.
Even my meds have no effects on this.I wonder if this stuff going to get worse? Can it get better? How long?
It's torture
So I'm I wondering if my mind is damaged through traumas in such a way it can't repair itself now?
My eyelids are heavy it's becoming harder to type so I'll have to stop..I know even if I lay down I'll just lay there.Sleep has been very un-restorative.
Maybe I should ask my psych to send me to the inpatient dissociative unit,'cause I don't know what to do.I can't go on like this forever.
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