Help? Posted this elsewhere today, haven't heard. Waddy'all think?

[elleng]

Had had a fine time at daughter #1's Wedding Shower Sunday.(Wedding is September 2.) She's 26, lives in NJ near Philly. I live in DC area near daughter #2, with whom I drove up. She's 22. Also enjoyed brief interlude at #1 + her fiance's apartment after Shower, saying good bye. Enjoyed most of morning in car yesterday chatting w #2 about party, her feelings about it, about having been anxious about her role and how she would be received by other bridesmaids (who largely live in Jersey near #1 and see her regularly,) about her relationship w #1 which leaves much to be desired. They're both, I'd say, in very different ways, emotionally 'fragile.' #2 + her guy appear to be working thru her 'issues.'

#1 told me recently that she was, and later had been, angry w her fiance due to wedding-related things he hadn't done. She's taken a lot of the preparation stuff to herself, and its a big wedding, lots of details and lots of room for misunderstandings and mishaps. She'd spent a weekend at a hotel, so upset was she.

I briefly mentioned to fiance, when #2 and I arrived at apartment before Shower, that in light of #2's recent upset, I'd brought a few tablets of my 'anxiety' med w me (generic Xanax) to help her along. He said he wouldn't want her to have any (didn't tell him the name, didn't recall it.) He's a social worker type, works with recently released people, I think, so knows about meds. He said there are too many potential side effects. I said, 'ok,' and dropped it. He also said they'd worked through her emotional stuff. I said 'good'. He's good at such and thats good 'cause she'll need him for such, I think.

At the Shower, which was lovely, #1 very pleasant w all, even 'maids' about whom #2, and maybe #1, were unsure re: reliability and true friendship.

Family members were there, that is, fiance's's family, Jersey 'natives,' and #1's good friend Carol, who is mother of #1's flower girl for whom #1 has 'sat' since Angelina was 9 months old. Yesterday was her 5th birthday. Carol is also mother to new baby girl, don't recall name, Angelina's sister, for whom #1 also sits. This is #1's job while attending school for Masters in Occupational Therapy. Obviously #1 and Carol's family are very close, and one of Angelina's grandmother's said they couldn't do it without #1.

I mentioned to Carol, whom I had met before, that, as I'm at such a distance, I'd like to hear about any things I might do for #1, due to her actual burdens as well as emotional issues. She said she'd ask #1 for my # so we could be in touch, as I didn't have a pen at the time.

SO in the car returning home w #2 yesterday, after good conversation w #2, she received message from #1, #2 asks me if I've received texts from #1. I hadn't noticed, checked, and had received 3, ANGRY that I had talked w Carol, apparently under impression much of my conversation w Carol was re: #1's 'emotional' stuff. The converation w Carol had lasted maybe 2 minutes, and was basically, 'Let me know if you think I can help in any way.' #1 angry 'cause Carol is her employer, #1's in charge of Carol's kids. (Obviously Carol knows #1 better than almost anyone, so I certainly wasn't telling her anything about #1's emotional situation she wasn't already aware of.)

SO, #2 very angry w me as I'd been in touch w her guy Bren few months ago about #2's emotional situation; HE had informed me, I spoke w #2's doctor,, who erroneously/foolishly told her that I had done so. Bren and I concerned she might be bi-polar. AND #2 then gets into how I'm at fault and don't admit it re: my relations w their father, w whom I'm separated, I left after he hit me after a long period of emotional abuse. But #2 goes and on and on and on about my fault, failure to admit it. I drop #2 off; she says, 'don't contact me.'

We were thinking #2'd join me this coming Friday for #1's presentation of her Master's project. Not sure whether I'm welcome now for that w #1, want to text her re: "Sorry about confusion, my intention was to offer help in her various projects/burdens, NOT to suggest she's emotionally unstable, sounds like a misunderstanding." I have no intention to apologize for trying to help my daughters, but I hate confrontation. At the moment they're good at dishing it out. Tempest in a teapot?

No good deed goes unpunished.

Quite anxious, and want to be able to decide what to say/text to #1.

Thanks for listening.

[EFerrari]

1. Sounds like a lot of big events are "up" in the family.

And imo, the text you want to send looks fine. Maybe even shorter: "Sorry about confusion, my intention was to offer help in her various projects/burdens, sounds like a misunderstanding." If you leave "unstable" in there and if the tension is running high enough, it will become the word that is fixed upon, again imho.

[elleng]

2. Yes, EF, you got it, lots of events 'up.'

I took your advice without having seen it! Said 'Sorry about confusion, intention was to help . . . misunderstanding,' and after a few back and forths, #1 and I seem to be OK. Going to Philly tomorrow and will see her Master's Project Friday.

Good thing I had my '93 Toyo Corolla Wagon repaired last week!!!

Thanks so much!

E

:hi:

[EFerrari]

3. Oh, that's great.

I hope you have good time. :hi:

[mopinko]

4. waiting for the fallout from my latest good deed.

have been very worried about middle child for a while now. she had been a cutter as a teen, and i recently read a study that found a high correlation between adolescent cutters and young adult eating disorders. on top of a lot of other things, like serious money issues, well.... she is skinny as a rail and has lost her breasts.
so she complains about belly pain all the time, and got a colonoscopy recently. the doc works at a hospital that has a large eating disorder clinic. he thinks she should see a shrink. she was leaning that way for a few minutes, then the next time i brought it up, i got what you got.

so, i sent her this email yesterday-

sub: dearest

you do not deserve to suffer. please take whatever steps you can to feel better.
you are a good person who does not deserve to live in the shadow of anxiety.
do what you can.

i am here for you. i know it is complicated for you and all, but hey, i have been through the whole mill.

love you more than you will ever know.


***********
we'll see how that goes.

my condolences that you are dealing with this. people wonder sometimes why family members can't help with the decision to get help. it ain't that they don't try.

[mopinko]

5. official response-

thanks mom. I love you too

********
what she is really thinking i will not know until we get in a fight about something completely different.

[EFerrari]

6. Have you heard back?

When I flirted with anoerexia, the biggest payoff that I remember was finally feeling in control of something. The last thing I would have done is describe it to anyone, though. Or, not directly. For me, anyway, it was handled with a ton of boundary work. Turns out that when you have good boundaries, your control issues calm down. Who knew?

[mopinko]

8. asked her dad if he had heard from her.

i emailed him, as he is out of town.
his reply- Just a call about fathers day. I don't think you freaked her out or if you did she hid it well.

*********
i don't think she could have or would have hidden it. if it bugged her she would have complained. so, maybe she is taking it to heart.

[elleng]

9. VERY good news, mop.

[elleng]

7. That 'thanks' sounds good to me.

I've returned from visit w #1, to see her Master's Project presentation at university. Had a nice, if brief, visit, she thanked me for supporting her. Now discussing how/when we'll work on seating arrangements for her Sept. wedding reception.

As to #2, haven't heard from her since she said, 'Don't contact me.'

Best of luck, mop, something we all need.



:hi: