How misunderstood do you feel you are ?

[jdots]

I am used to it and it hurts, do i speak a speak a different language? Does it feel like everything you say is a joke no one else gets ? Do you look for hope everyday and not find it ?
i allways felt like an observer not invited to the party,outside in the cold looking through the window where people are happy.Now those people aren't happy but i am still outside in the cold. don't hurt yourselves we may be the sane ones.

[Digit]

1. Well, people call it my "tirades"....

They usually say, "You're funny" or something of that nature when I am done.
I am just so darned passionate about what is going on, I don't understand how others don't "get it".

[jdots]

2. I hate when say " You should write comedy "

like facism is funny ? how do people tune everything out ?

[undergroundpanther]

3. I feel like an alien

Most people just are trivial,unconcerned about the predatory existence we are in.They don't want to change they are not satisfied so they fight each other or go into denial.

I feel like people have a low tolerance for hearing me. They don't want anything fucking up their "beautiful minds".

People think I should look forward to my life,relax enjoy things,whatever tomorrows another day.. Give up because I can't change it.But in my mind I know that I can't do it myself,I'm not concerned about control or lack of it..like people assume,I just feel pain.I see pain.pep talking and cliche's does not stop the hurting inside.Closing my eyes to it makes it worse. I can't blind myself,it's like once you see you can't unsee. I used to wish I was retarded or had brain damage because my emotions are feeling hell my senses are raw,my mind is sore.my thoughts are distracted and too deep for most. Life leaves me feeling alone when my conversations invariably slaughter someones sacred cow and I piss everyone off because I don't feel as they do,think as they do, or believe in anything,and I don't play games.I think god is a monster for making existence be this way(If there is a god at all).

There is no good in taking this so called path of balance,because if balance means that all that is good is tolerating evil ruining it it ceases to be decent it gets mixed like life here.And mixed sucks....And so because my perspective is seen as all bad,when to me it is longing for escape.. for the sake of others I hold it all in, day after day I make small talk when I wish I was dead....

Rule #1 Don't frazzle the sheep they treat you like shit if you do. Don't make any unpleasant sounds that might make someone else depressed or scared or they'll hate you.. I find I can't pretend in my own heart I hate life.Nothing about this life matters all that much to me.You can be thin,pretty and you get old and fat, rich successful,and some tragedy sucks it all to those richer than you, You can be healthy and beloved by all and you still suffer and DIE and everything you ever loved dies decays and rots,people forget..I try to have enthusiasm about life but most the time I am faking it to please THEM. Because I want OUT.Everything here is dying feeding on each others ruin and pain.

And they call it ahedonia,

I call it abuse showing me the evil of life it for what it is before I knew how to trust anything.. My life is poisoned for me because other people took advantage of my body and mind as a kid. I was too young to know for myself things may be OK here.. because I had trust it was exploited and stolen so now I see because I have to, and it hurts me.And I can't go back to when my life had this innocence and enchantment before the abuse started.My body is old now and it is trapped in fat and creaky muscles and this horrid wrong gender.Because even thinking about how it was,before before I was abused before I grew chest tumors,before I saw things I loved abused and die, because fucked up adults and bullies wounded me, over and over and it took away my trust..Now it hurts too much when I try to trust,I get hurt because I trust it's a damn catch 22 a tormenting catch 22. So I don't know how to trust.No one was ever there to show me what trust worthiness means..And I don't know if anyone can teach me. They can't bear to hear my pain or to care because they too are in pain..I can't ask them to listen to me.

Because I fear the ocean of agony inside that I feel won't end when their patience does.. it does not end when they become exhausted. So I shut it up.force it down...cry alone in the dark. the dark has empathy that humans are not capable of.But the dark isn't anything but dark it can't hold you..

I never asked to be here. And what did I get for it, hurt for being stuck. FUCK this life,I promised I will wait until it's all over,after my obligations to others and my own integrity are met..than I can die and feel no more and my consciousness is gone.And my heart no longer beats the pain stops and I feel nothing because I am not existing and I am away from this prison of pleasure that is but bait to create more pain. I wish I was aborted instead of being born to be hurt.like most people on Earth. This existence is so sick it's sad.

Because I feel this way, I feel so alien..Other people seem to be able to numb out things or to deny it at least temporarily.I can do it for about 20 minutes than reality comes rushing in like a black wave. This is why I asked a doctor for a lobotomy in middle school. I wanted somewhere I could rest ,belong,and feel loved,like I had a home.. without so much pain.

[DemExpat]

4. I felt totally outside and misunderstood all of my younger life.

Then I had 2 children when I was 29/32.

Pouring my love and hope and knowing that life CAN be beautiful....exquisite....into nurturing, raising, enjoying these 2 new and fresh human children took "all" of my focus off of myself and onto daily re-creating of conditions that would be positive ones to these new people.

I loved those years, although the effort and work was, for me at times, very tough. (With my ongoing mental health/spiritual problems)

This experience taught me the power of love - what a ridiculous cliche, but true to me now.

For me, this experience of total focus on 2 dependent and unspoilt human beings was a powerful spiritual exercise (comparable to a 20 year Zen meditation :-)) and taught me how to "escape", "transcend" myself somehow.

It also taught me that despite the world "out there" being so imperfect and often crazy and cruel, focussing on making the best out of the situation for those I love and within my "range" made a huge difference in my perceptions and all of our experiences.

A very powerful and simple to read book I read in those years for insight and support was this one:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/0890872465/ref=dp_item-information_0/104-4390436-6060741?%5Fencoding=UTF8&n=283155&s=books

I want to read this book next:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595290043/qid=1110717825/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-4390436-6060741

Now that my kids are leaving the nest I do find myself retreating into myself more again, and I am looking for a new "vessel", focus, in the world to pour myself into again with all of my love, passion, and creativity.

Children/Animal rights, supporting women in developing countries, the global Environment - this is where I am drawn to turn my focus now.

Sitting around drinking tea, visiting friends, Internetting until I die just doesn't appeal somehow.


Sorry if this is off topic, or if this comes across as too "bright and shiny" for this thread, but this thread inspired this reply.


DemEx

[undergroundpanther]

5. I see your point

I throw myself in.I see the pain and the pain causers.
I have done the caring for others route.I myself an opposed to making more children. I will never bring a kid by force into a world full of sociopaths as this world is.I can't do that to an innocent soul who's free of a body,free of life. Life wounds and abuses you it hates itself.And for me I could love it,but the world will hate it and the kid will be hurt and I would have enabled that to happen I can't control what the world does I can prevent but not control I can try to help after the damage is done it does nothing to stop the cause....Because it looks like if anything is too good the world destroys it. So I'm not putting blood on my hands that never had to be born. I can find other things to love rather than create another being, force it here into this hellhole because I'm in pain,to be born and subjected to this life that lives by destroying other life in an existence that never had to be.

Animal rights was especially hard for me..animals are different than people they are not destroyers and consumers of worlds.They are too good so they get more shit from human trash.They have very little rights when they deserve more than we have..
I look at an abused animal and I hold him,help him trust, nurse him back,and I feel joy sorta knowing he's OK now and I know his life will be better(hope),and at the same time I want to destroy the asshole person who did it to the animal. And I can't. Every joy is tainted. This human trash mixed in with decent humanity will continue to hurt things and stupid people will excuse them and I along with many others will clean up the results in innocent broken traumatized animals and kids because too many people tolerate bullies.So bullies have no incentive to stop it,As a culture we tolerate the wrong people and are intolerant to the wrong people.

If human abusers were stopped,forced to change or die, if the sadists were restrained and given no cultural space to harm..if the leaders were made accountable to the least or face disgrace or worse. Life would be very different on Earth.The founding fathers of this country got a glimpse of it,but they too were products of this fucked up world. Not perfect but better than the kings.


We have had these higher ideals for centuries.And we yap yap yap but where are the sweeping changes? We never really live these ideals out or give them a fair shake as a culture it's always side railed or corrupted by a son-of-a bitch and their abuse.A crony clique..and a million others ignoring it.Fucking Stockholm syndrome.

I help I care and when I get involved I burn out I feel like a drop in a sea and I come away hating humans more hating life here more. If there is an authoritarian in the organizational mix it creates strife.Groups don't screen out authoritarians,narcissists and bullies unless they cause an obvious disruption.Because I don't play along,and excuse corruption. I am the kiss of death for orgs.who try to break their own bylaws to coddle a bully or who manipulate things in a way that is unethical to "get ahead".

I worked for a few orgs and they loved my work but they hated the fact I had integrity too and that I dared question the ethical issues when things got shady.They just wanted me to do what they wanted me to do.They wanted me as a rubber stamp board member and volunteer star.They didn't like the fact I took my vote and the purpose of the org.seriously.
So after a few run ins with the kinds of narcissists on boards I had decided if they offer that shit to me I ain't taking it...And so again I find myself cleaning up where incompetence rules again..and wanting to help and getting scapegoated by egotistic people wanting to keep the game going that hurts. I hate it.Drinking tea sitting on line it's lonely alienating and pointless.It hurts.

I am sick of struggling.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of being here
Tired of being in pain alone and unable to articulate it in a way that can be understood by a bunch of defended egos.
While people assume and pooh pooh all sorts of stuff about what I am saying that complicates everything.

[DemExpat]

6. Yes, I see your point....

Joining an organization where I would have to deal with all of the egos clamouring for attentions and power is not in my sights, UGP.
The last thing I want to do with the remaining time in this life!

I wish I could be adept with people, but I guess that in interpersonal training for society I have not reached a very high level. :-)

When I envision using my energy and love now it is totally on my own terms, whether by lending "freelance" support for non-profit organizations, private initiatives for, say, schools and orphanages in 3rd world countries, animal rights initiatives on an international scale, support for women etc., lobbying international organizations and laws to back up progress.

UGP, you could use your highly developed writing skills and empathy for such aims, to educate and enlighten the public and perhaps support organization's public relations/infomation/education goals.
Or, alternatively, write about your personal experiences in this life.

The problem is, in order to effectively put ourselves out there, we need to do it from some positive premise, with a positive outlook IMHO.
Despite the horror, despite the insanity of so much of human relations and power crimes, despite the seeming futility of it, to keep on working at it and making a difference just by not giving up.
To keep focussing on what it can be and can be becoming, not all what it is not.

Not giving a flying fuck what other people's egos judge/say about your intentions/goals/values...while on the other hand trying not to judge others purely from one's own standpoint.

I believe that at least half of humanity is good-hearted, well-intentioned, and this number is growing. It might not seem to be so, but this is what I believe. The other half is not evil, either, but carrying out evil/thoughtless actions from stupidity, blindness, sadistic pleaure....... warped souls from unbearably painful experiences who act their pain out in THESE ways....
(Don't know why pain causes some to become more empathic, while others cold and heartless....perhaps this has a spiritual basis, and has to do with lessons to be learned in this life.....)

My outlook is spiritual, though, as I see this world as our learning ground, and our tasks to raise consciousness of all humanity to create "heaven on earth"....consciousness can only be raised through love, not through hatred, fear,cruel laws and forced actions - people really do have to personally CHOOSE to open their minds and hearts imo.

And I understand why some would never have children, but after having mine, I see how guiding new people through the pitfalls of what they encounter here on earth teaches them that the world is far from perfect, but that at least "half" is joy, happiness, peace, love, and fun.
My kids did not turn out perfect either....:D.....but they are happy to be here and trying not to add to the misery!
What more can we ask!

Tired of being in pain alone and unable to articulate it in a way that can be understood by a bunch of defended egos.
Stop trying to have egos understand you, UGP, this is truly a useless exercise imo....
If you do write/speak your perspective, put it out there, then you also need to know that about half of the audience might love it, be open to it, while the other half will damn it. Many will be able to go only "so far" with you too, and then hit a blank.... Accept this and do it anyway, or retreat, imo.

There are plenty of people open to understanding you - they may seem like needles in haystacks - but there are many. Those not viewing the world from their defensive egos. The longer you stick around and open up yourself, the more contact you encounter with these people.

I am still amazed sometimes when some of these people cross my path!

DemEx

[undergroundpanther]

8. paths

DemEx said:
Joining an organization where I would have to deal with all of the egos clamoring for attentions and power is not in my sights, UGP.
The last thing I want to do with the remaining time in this life!

Agreed..I never intended to be in those positions when I joined places like Hearts and ears.... I was asked there because they said they needed someone to do it and they thought I'd do a decent job. I went because there was (at least it appeared that way at first) Genuine need. And I cared.

DEm EX said The other half is not evil, either, but carrying out evil/thoughtless actions from stupidity, blindness, sadistic pleaure....... warped souls from unbearably painful experiences who act their pain out in THESE ways....


I disagree.. Research shows sociopaths are consiousless...Ity does not come from abuse and suffering.Alot of abused people don't have the heart to get pleasure and a "rush" out of making their loved ones who trust them and care about them suffer and cry. Sociopaths are that way because they simply do not have a conscience.The trait of sociopath runs in families it is inheritable by about a 50%chance. I myself can't imagine being incapable of feeling love,but some people are. Just because you can't imagine someone could exist without a conscience does not mean people without consciences do not exist.


1 in 4 people are sociopaths .They are not all serial killers or Gw Bushes.They are school bullies,petty assholes,aggressive risk takers that ruin others,con men,torturers in the military, manipulators that get off on seeing you jump at their command, they love your pain because to them they have won,got control,stuck the knife in,they can't feel emotions so they dominate lives which are a game to them.The Inuit Indians knew what to do to sociopaths.. They had a word for this person without a conscience,they knew how to see under their mask,they were observant and knew this person without a conscience ,tragically incapable of love or empathy or emotion was dangerous to the community and did not deserve the pity they try to use to exploit others through,No the Inuit killed the sociopaths off.. Maybe this is why indigenous cultures(some of them) were able to be more egalitarian,socially, because they wiped out all the social dominator's in their midst who had no feelings or ability to care about others.


Dem Ex said:(Don't know why pain causes some to become more empathic, while others cold and heartless....perhaps this has a spiritual basis, and has to do with lessons to be learned in this life.....)


Some become cold under extreme stress,yet they care through it,there is a pet,a child whom they give their heart to.

A sociopath has no heart they don't care about Anyone..Just domination and winning their little game and getting their rush of seeing people jump when they say jump.
Sociopaths will drag the in denial,scared,self doubting,disbelieving, pitying world to ruin with themselves if no one tells it like it is,exposes them,and stops them,Sociopaths destroy lives and love ,by charming you by playing your own empathy to pity them, all the way down. Sociopaths are irredeemable, they really are sick and destructive and will not stop abusing others by themselves if there is something to be gained in it,something to win to give them a bit of excitement in their bored emotionless,parasitic, loser faked,failed lives..

If we were honest with ourselves we would not stand by so much and doubt when we feel a person is dangerous so easy.Titles,authority symbols and appearances would not blind our consciences so easy if we would put more trust in what we feel see and perceive.

Question things,yes,..but in that questioning don't turn reasonable doubts into an impossible criteria off absolute certainty. Do not blind yourself for fear of responsibility and action that is right.
And remember it is only a sociopath that can act and decide with EXCESSIVE confidence,like Gw Bush does.Gw appears that way because he has no conscience,that means there's no love governing his decisions.

I wish more people could see this.And take steps to get rid of the sociopaths making hell in their lives.Reject them,fire them,doubt their stories,investigate their claims,lock them up,don't obey and never trust them.

To me this life is just here.I never chose it.. I just was here. It's an"ordered"chaos. I dunno what to say about spiritual realms they exist they interact with me and the world, somehow but I am not sure of what they are.The spiritual dimesion has a way of helping and hurting when you interact with it somewhat like the world of people.
There are beings more trustworthy than others.

If you can feel love it can guide you into making existence more comfortable to endure sometimes.Spirits can help too. If you are wounded,by loveless people, the lack of trust makes it harder to trust it when someone expresses love,for counterfeit love wounds the heart and spirit. This loveless"love" is the kind of trust violating shit a sociopath uses for a thrill or to steal what he wants from other peoples lives. Sociopaths are great fakers and predatory too.
They seek to steal your consience and capacity to love and feel,but they can't so they steal,integrity,peace on Earth,bodily wholeness, trust and hope..

Not that after a serious wounding you can't love again or find people to trust it's that you are sensitized to the danger and pain all around and that makes life painful to live big time. Healig hurts too.Hope seems so far away. When 1 in 4 people you meet may not be able to give a shit about you,even though they KNOW right from wrong and still just don't care, and can't feel love,the world of humanity IS dangerous.


I'm glad your kids are OK. I am Overjoyed they are not sociopaths.
I hope this world is kind to them,they are happy ,find their dreams,love alot and they keep the hell away from sociopaths.
Thanks, for crossing my path DemEx. Hugs to you.

[Catchawave]

7. Well. ever since the pharmas started diagnosing "depression"

"social anxiety" and "adult ADD" in the mainstream media, I feel totally crappy.

Is there a Stepford movement I'm not aware of ? These ads should be banned I tell ya. I mean, it's like they've found the cure for "hearing the beat of different drummer". :shrug:

We should celebrate individuality, instead of worry about it....or heaven forbid...find a "cure" for it.

I'm with you jdots, we ARE the sane ones.

[Digit]

9. My daughter is 20 and is a keeper.

I raised her with a social conscience and she is attuned for what is going on around her.
I raised her myself since she was just under 2 yrs old. It is the one thing I can say I did well. She was a real hellion growing up, and I was thrown out of govt buildings when she acted up. I thought she would never grow out of those tantrums.
She calmed down once I was out of my deranged marriage and has turned into the loviest person.
Having been a latch key kid myself when growing up from an early age, I made it a point to be there for her until she was in kindergarden.
The only babysitter was my mother (because my ex would say anyone was abusing her).
My divorce was the worst...it cost me almost $25,000 to divorce the clown and this was in 1989 and did not include custody or support.

Sometimes kids have their own personality and no matter what you do, things go bad. I have seen it happen. It is not always your fault.
I have seen it happen within families. Two children will be normal, and one will be off the charts.
Guess I stopped while I was ahead.
I have posted on here when in my bleakest moments, when I thought ending it all was the answer.
Times are at their craziest they have ever been in my over 50 yrs being on this planet. It is a challenge to be sure.
Post a msg when you are at wit's end.
There is a reason you are here at this moment in time. It sometimes feels surreal to me, too.
Like I will wake from an nightmare that went on way too long.
There is a reason for everything. Hang in there.
We need more like you who can still reason.