Any other dissociatives in here?

[undergroundpanther]

If so how do you cope with the "holidays"?

For me holidays are always kinda triggering.I tend to not really like holidays especially ones socially imposed..like x mas where you sometimes are obliged to be jolly when it's the last thing you want to be around the last people you want to be around.
For me I don't associate alot wityh my family the household is brojken up now that he tyrant(father) is dead has been for like 20 odd years or so.

I think that our family fully fell apart when the house bully died because without his chaos messing life up for all of us we found we really didn't relate to each other as family,freinds or companions,and we still to this day feel awkward and uncomfortable around each other. I think it's because we are all very different people with very different lives and we don't know who each other are really now ,because we NEVER did before because of the trauma in the house made it impossible to form real emotional attachments....I think we were connected more 'together' years ago due to being too young to live on our own and to get out of that house.So we had to have a bit of empathy and relatedness for each other just to survive. But now the situation has changed we have adapted too.

Now that we don't HAVE to survive and defend each other/ourselves from assaults,I guess we unspokenly but mutually agreed we are not obligated to each other's well being or need to be so involved so much in each other's lives anymore.My sisters and I have emotionally drifted away in our own ways,we still all have contact through my mom,who's 73.I guess we feel an obligation to her even though it is kinda distant and sorta emotionally unrewarding(at least for me.)My mom has a narcisistic streak and can be a pain in the ass if you hang with her too long and get too invested in her emotionally,she'll hurt you. So maintaining your privacy,and having clear boundaries abnd enforcing them around her are very important for me to be capable of to copeing with her..I have a hard time with mom sometimes, I live in her basement. I don't spend alot of time with her being intimate or engaging with her and involving her in my affairs because when we do things get strained ,she gets controlling and plays games. So it's obvious to me we don't know how to communicate to each other beyond superficial stuff because we are 2 very different people with very little in common with each other.

We live almost like a landlord and tenant. As for my sisters truthfully I am glad we are distant.Because I don't know who my sisters are anyways. So I have made a family for myself out of real freinds with interests and lifestyles similar to my own.I feel at home with them more than I ever did with my own related family. It's funny I care about whom I am not related to more than my relatives,My freinds feel like my real family , It is they whom make this holiday emotional horrorshow liveable.Maybe it's partly because alot of my freinds have also departed from thier own unhappy homes..They understand what family really means ..We are ships cut loose to drift away in the night,abandoned long ago,Who have found a safe harbor in each other's hearts.

And to me, That's home.

[Droopy]

1. I'm not sure what disassociative means

From your post I gather it means that you are emotionally detatched from your family. Thankfully, I have very good relations with my family. They haven't done anything to make me ill or to make me suffer more than I did. I don't have any childhood trauma in my past. When we get together for the holidays it is truly a fun event.

However, I think we are kind of opposites in the regard that you don't have a good relationship with your family, but have friends. I have a good relationship with my family, but I only have one friend outside of my internet buddies here at DU. I have a really hard time socializing with people I don't know so that makes it hard for me to find new friends.

I'm glad you've got somebody to enjoy yourself with. It's so hard making it in the world when you're all alone. Especially when you are suffering from mental illness.

[undergroundpanther]

2. By dissociative

I meant DID dissociative Identity disorder.
I brought up family issues because people with trauma issues often have issues with family too.. and I was wondering how others with trauma histories cope with holidays and families ..that's all.

[DemExpat]

3. The only way to make holidays enjoyable imo

is to have a few good friends (or siblings, if you all show the inclination for more intimacy) to hang out with, to take a little trip somewhere, immerse yourself into a hobby like painting throughout those days, do a household cleaning or decorating project, or read tons of good books. Sounds good to me! :-)

To be nice and loving to yourself if alone, do some fun simple things with available friends if you have them nearby....

I have been an expat most of my life, which has drawbacks as well as advantages when it comes to very negative family histories, but the loneliness and pain of not having that "wonderful" family, especially during Christmas holidays, has followed me most of my life.

Not until I had my own children did I start creating happy events and memories for the holidays.

I understand what you mean about having a Mom with a narcissitic streak - my Mom died in 1995, but getting together with her was very difficult most of the time, and I had to learn to not take any crap from her (attention-seeking) or else get involved in hours-long discussions of her victimhood.....:-(

Now that my parents are dead there is no family home to meet, and I also have not been with siblings except for my dear youngest sister...

I agree with you that making your own "substitute family" is the only way to go in our circumstances. I have done this with fellow ex-pat friends, who are also seeking that family closeness here, along with my children!


:hug:

DemEx