I feel myself slipping (long)

[skygazer]

Going to that place where I go when I feel like my life is spinning out of control. When I feel as if everything is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to go there. I hate it. I fear it. It’s a dark place, and cold. And it’s very, very lonely.

Understand that I’m not looking for solutions to my problems. Some of them, like the situation with my son, have been going on for years and I’ve traveled every possible avenue looking for a solution. That particular situation has to be left to time. The more recent events, too, require time. Waiting. I’m not good at waiting. Waiting means more time spent being unsure. Unsure doesn’t work well with me. I don’t have the coping mechanisms to handle unsure. It makes me uneasy, which causes me to slip. I’m slipping and I don’t like it.

So I’m not looking for solutions. I just need to get it out and share it with someone who understands what it feels like to enter that dark corridor. Who knows how frightening it really is to feel like you’re losing your sanity. I need to let a little bit of this crap out so there’s more room for more crap which is a depressing thought right there.

I have a 17 year old son who I’ve seen once in 6 ½ years. He lives with his father 3000 miles away and his father won’t let him visit me.

I can’t afford to visit him there because I pay his father over $600 a month for child support. I pay that much because the court uses a formula that takes into account how much you pay for housing and how often you see the child. Because I do not see the child, I pay the maximum which means I can’t ever afford to see the child. Catch-22.

I can’t afford a lawyer to pursue this in the courts for the same reason.

So I wait. I write to him regularly and hope that when he comes of age, he will decide he wants to see me.

Last year, I was out of work for almost a full year because I had surgery to repair my neck. I thought when I got back to work, I’d be good to go for a while. I returned to work in January. Almost immediately, I began having problems – pain in my pelvic area. My doctor discovered a “pelvic mass” – I still don’t know what it is. I get the results of the biopsy this week. Another thing that I just have to wait on. It has cost me some time at work and so consequently some money which I cannot afford.

Last Sunday, my back went out on me. I’ve missed nearly a week of work. I had it x-rayed the other day but I have to wait for the results of that and I have to wait for it to get better. If it is going to get better – it is not significantly better than it was a week ago. I need my back. My back is my livelihood. I run a wine and liquor department at a grocery store – I need to be strong.

So I wait.

I’m worried about my health, I’m worried about finances. I’m worried about my job. And always, under everything, is the pain I feel about my son. Until now, I’ve done well mentally. But now I feel myself starting to slip. And that, of course, is the other thing I worry about. Going mad. Losing my mind. Going back to that place which I fear more than anything. Ironic. The more I worry about it, the more likely I will end up there.

Not looking for answers. Just need to let it out.

Thanks for listening.

sky

[DemExpat]

1. I hear you, loud and clear, skygazer.....

and recognize the state you are in.

Only thing I can offer you is :hug: :hug: :hug: and my experience that the fear of the "pit" is usually worse than the real pain endured, and that for me, whenever I feel this slipping sensation, I know that it will pass....which it does.

Writing all of this stuff down - here - or in a journal - helps a lot in my experience.

Again, :hug: to you and hopes that the insecurity for all of these factors will dissipate soon.

DemEx

[Droopy]

2. Hi skygazer

I know what it's like to go crazy, but I never realized that I was going crazy. When I was insane I didn't know it. That's called lack of insight by the pros. You, however, seem to have plenty of insight into your illness. Your chances for recovery are much greater when you have that. It seems to me that you have a choice. You know you are slipping and you may be able to get help before you go completely insane. Or if you don't feel like you can be helped you can roll the dice and hope that you come out on the other side. There was no other side for me until I started taking meds. In earlier times I'd be either dead or permanently institutionalized. Is there an other side for you?

[skygazer]

3. That's what I hang onto

For so many years, I had no idea there could be a better day tomorrow - all my tomorrows were another variation on that long, grey, gloomy corridor. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my thirties - I figured everyone felt like I did, they were just better at handling it. I figured I must be weak.

Once I was diagnosed and began taking meds, it helped me to feel less suicidal and hopeless but it didn't take me out of the dark place. Then one day, out of the blue, I decided to move from Vermont to California - I decided in the morning and by afternoon, I was driving west, in a piece of shit car with 2 dogs and $300 to my name. I was taking so many different psych meds it was ridiculous.

And somehow, on that road, I found..... something. I still don't know what but by the time I hit about Nebraska, I was feeling good. By the time I hit the Continental Divide, I'd stopped taking my meds. I used the last ten dollars for gas at the top of Donner Pass but I was happy, the sun was shining and life was good. In the six and a half years since, I've not taken a single anti-depressant.

It's not like my life's been easy for all that time - it hasn't. But I've felt really good. That's what I hang onto - the fact that I know tomorrow doesn't HAVE to be a bad day. That's what keeps me going.

Right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Talking about it helps. Sometimes the fear of going back there pushes up inside me and I have to shove it back down. But you're right - now I know. And that's what I have to focus on.

Thanks for listening.

[DemExpat]

4. When I got off meds and the fearful dread of losing it rose

I found that by not pushing it away, but by accepting it and "staring it down"....writing it all down in my journal....that this would diffuse it somehow - usually within a day or 2.
Now I know that when the feelings return, as they always seem to do in times of change and stress, that I know how to handle them, let them show their ugly heads for a moment, then watch them dissipate for longer and longer periods in between.

All the best to you in this difficult time.

DemEx


I would resort to meds again if I felt that a suicidal state or fears of losing my mind were persistant.

[skygazer]

5. I like that

That's just what I will do. And yes, I will certainly return to the meds if need be.

Thanks for being there. :hug:

[EFerrari]

6. Hi there, sky

I'm glad you posted here.

It always helps me, my own unsureness, panics and worries, to read that there are other zebras on the plain.

I've lost my mind many times. But, darn it, it keeps coming back! I guess what I do during those time is the small stuff. Holding one of my cats. Smoking too much. Smelling the air out here in our beach 'hood. Really small stuff. Noticing that coffee smealls good and that the ants aren't eating roses. (Aim low, Beth.)

Aiming low and easy has been a great comfort to me. That's my burnt offering.

And here's a hug for you, for all of us. (Fair warning--so you can duck out if you want to.)

:grouphug:

my best to you,
Beth