my letter to the internist.

[mopinko]

hubby has an appointment to check his blood pressure, and review his bloodwork with the internist on monday. (he is having some physical impact from the stress and sleep.) i am supposed to see her on tuesday, so that she can discuss her "concerns about my behavior, and the possibility that i am having a bad reaction to my meds." after all the crap about not "accepting input" from me about him, she discussed and accepted his "input" about me. a little more help like this, and i will be dead soon. this is the first draft of a letter that i will be leaving behind when if he lets me take him in. in the mean time, i have asked my therapist to talk to her about her "concerns". we are going to see her together tonight, so she will have both sides of the picture.

i can barely find the words to express to you how incredibly incompetent i find your handling of this situation. i appreciate that you were asked to do something that is outside your specialty, and that you were not able to spend the necessary time to fully investigate things. all of your concerns about me were completely appropriate, however, they had no real bearing on the situation. if you thought they did, you should have either taken the time to satisfy them, or factored them out of your decision making. it was utterly irresponsible for you to rely on them to dismiss a dangerous situation. your puny screening is a poor excuse for a real evaluation of a life and death situation. he was fixated on my condition because he is terrified for his condition, and on some level knows that he needs me to take care of him. you undermined what tiny trust he had in the person on whom his life genuinely depends at this point. had you accepted the limitations of your ability to evaluate this, you would have done the right thing, which is always to tell anyone who is making suicidal or homicidal threats that they should talk to a doctor whose job it is to make such evaluations. always. always, always, always. it is arrogance of the first water to fail to offer that option, and to present in a way that a possibly disturbed patient can accept.
until such time as you further your understanding of psychiatry, and families in crisis, let me tell you something about what it is like to try to get help for a family member that is in distress. people who are mentally ill hide their illness, sometimes at the same time as they are trying to negotiate help for themselves. so they do things like go to the doctor and insist they are fine. or make their wife stay out of the room, because they know they cannot keep it together in her presence. the family in question is usually exploding at the seams, because that is what mental illness does to families. it is not usually the other way around. the number one impediment to getting help is the fear and denial. it can take a herculean effort to get someone into treatment. it is one thing to not aid that effort, it is quite another to reinforce and adorn those fears. i think you have failed in your oath to do no harm.
i would like to have a copy of my medical record of my time with you. i will not be returning. and i will be more than just angry and appalled if you discuss this or anything else about me with my husband. you can rest assured that i will not be seeking your help for him in the future. i suggest you decline any other families request for your help in any such situation in the future.