well, i ALMOST made it through the week

[mopinko]

mostly, my week of "vacationing" with my 2 crazy loved ones could have been worse. we both got a lot of sleep. so that helped my through the tension of making plans with someone who gets bent out of shape by plans. i slowly undid the damage of people telling him that i was crazy, which scared the shit out of him.
but yesterday it all got to me. and i blew my cool.
we went to our usual, much loved 4th of july picnic at a long time friends house. a cool bunch of people that we see once a year. it was so hard for me. this is so lonely. i made the mistake of telling my "best friend" about what was happening. i told her not to say anything to him, and i told her why. but the 2 minute version of this long story always sounds crazy. sigh.
he was fine there, because i stayed out of the way, and was careful what i talked about in front of him. no stress, no decision, no panic, he's fine. me. on the other hand, well, it just got to me. not only couldn't i talk about what was happening with us, because i promised him i wouldn't. but when i talked about how i was feeling so much better, and how amazing it fixing your sleep is, or about anything that is happening in this country, both he and my friend seemed to twitch.
i was tired, and overwhelmed. and lonely. among friends. i snuck off and had a cry, but then i just had to go to bed, and skip the late night campfire thing. so my friend sat down next to him, and said, i am so worried about mo, she thinks you are crazy. so she got an earful of his delusions. and of course, i couldn't really hide the stress. the last straw was when i told her that the conversation she had just had with my daughter, who is bp, was a fantasy. they do not see her often, either, and have no idea. so she decided to sit me down to discuss "my mental state" she was extremely condescending, and when i tried to tell her that i was tired of this conversation, and did not feel i had to answer to her, the excrement sorta hit the oscillator. i got pissed, and decided it was time to go home. fubar.
i think i need some time to myself. i need to shake up my calendar, and find at least a few days to get away from all this. i think things are settled enough that i do not have to worry about my kids.
he is feeling a lot better, but it is a measure of how burnt up his brain was that after 15 nights out of 22 sleeping like a baby, (10 hours most nights last week.) he still does not even see what he is doing.
time, time, time. always speeds when you want it to zoom, and drags when you want it to fly.

[Droopy]

1. Hey, mopinko

I have a suggestion. If you are seeing a therapist right now take the threads that you have started in this group, copy them, and give them to him/her.

I see some people here who are totally open about the way they are feeling with their fellow DUers, but who are not so forthcoming with their therapist. I know, I've asked. If you are one of those people it's time to let it all hang out with your therapist.

I think it's cool that people are finding this place safe enough to speak of their troubles and I think that helps. But there's not a whole lot we can do but offer you support. I sometimes start to think of possible solutions for people when they come in here speaking of hard times, and I've probably offered a few in the past. Now I realize that I'm in no way qualified to do that.

What makes your situation kind of sticky is that it's not just you who is having a problem. It's your loved ones as well.

By no means am I saying that you should stop posting here. Please keep on talking especially if it helps you to get through the day. And if you have already discussed the things with your therapist that you have talked with us about then please forgive my suggestion.

[mopinko]

2. i think i am being open

i think he is not being too open, but i don't know. we had a joint session, and he was in "spill the beans" mode. he says that's what he does with his therapist. but he keeps saying that he wants her to tell him if his perception is off, and to tell him "if" he needs help. then he says she is supportive of his refusal to see a shrink. i am still having trouble trusting that his therapist is good. i do worry that having a doc swallow all your "perceptions" can ingrain them, and i worry that that is what may be happening. maybe i am just impatient. actually, i do think it is sleep. he has an order for a study, but i did let him postpone it. i didn't want that crappy night's sleep in the middle of last week, and wanted it done at a different hospital anyway. we'll see how long it takes him to reschedule it.
but if that leads him to a doc that can help him, it is all good, neurologist, psychiatrist, i do not care. he does not want that kind of thing on his medical record. in this day and age, i am not too sure he is wrong about that.
i do do my best to be open, and my therapist can tell me shit i don't want to hear. i've told her pretty much everything that i have said here. i really like her, especially after that joint session. he likes her, too, and his therapist says, go for it. so we are figuring out a plan, probably once a month he will come with me. that right there makes me feel much better.
but you guys have been so much help. just to have an ear. especially after what happened with my "best friend" nobody here seems to think that just because you are a little crazy nothing you say it true. and it is so freakin' lonely and scary to go through this without him. he has also pretty much checked out on dealing with our bp daughter, and started buying into her, "i'm ok, mom's the problem" crap. lonely, lonely. i would feel better just to be journaling this, which i have also done a little. but the ear here is a big, big lifeline.

[Droopy]

3. Alright

Sometimes we just need people to listen. You have my best wishes in getting this situation with your family resolved.

[mopinko]

4. yup, an ear is a big help

but an ear tuned to this stuff is better. the amateur shrinks around me who have never been through any of this are causing me some serious pain.