How do you deal with fundy / neocon / dysfunctional family?

[Ladyhawk]

I think I was happier when they were out of my life, but I can't kick them out now without starving. I'm still recuperating from surgery. I just couldn't manage on my own.

Also, I do love my mother, but when she's in my life, I let her get too close because part of me keeps hoping that the relationship will change. I know she won't change. They only one who can change is ME. I changed circumstances by kicking family out of my life. And it helped for awhile. Now I just got too close to my mother again, let her in a little too far and...WHAM! It was a few little things, but even that sends me over the edge these days.

I don't want to hurt her, but she is quite literally driving me insane.

And one more thing: I'M SICK OF WHINING ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus, Ladyhawk, always whining about your crazy-ass mother and family...geez.

I need an answer. I'm fucking sick of this.

[mopinko]

1. this is a crazy answer

but i am seeing sleep disorders behind every tree now that i have seen the carnage up close and personal in my own family. there is no test for most mental illnesses, but sleep crazy is one thing that can be tested for. i don't know why everyone isn't given a sleep test before docs start this medicine guessing game they play.
the reason i bring this up is a blowup i had over the 4th with a good liberal friend of mine, who is starting to talk like a bush voter, and also has always had sleep trouble. she has those big circles under her eyes, and is just twitchy. that was the tip off that my hubby was having trouble, too. he started having that fundie, goofball, non-logic-logic that they have.
other than that, i can't help you. i am lucky to be able to just avoid the wackos in my family. but it is painful. i miss them.

[undergroundpanther]

2. eye twitching?

My eyes get these little annoying tics..and I have bad muscle pain upon awakening. I feel tired when I get up and go to bed. Is this twitch from sleep issues?

[mopinko]

3. i am not a doctor

but it sounds like it could be. does your left hip/lower back area hurt? feeling tired when you get up is a sign of a sleep problem. do you snore?
i know people around me are sure i am crazy that i keep talking about sleep, but statistics show that we are a sleep deprived nation. and i can tell you, it causes some serious mental and physical distress. i was about 50% disabled because of an old head injury that f'ed up my sleep. a little trazadone, and when nothing else bothers my sleep, i am NORMAL!
why treatable mental illness is treated like some kind of urban legend by doctors, i do not know. it is hard to treat, sometimes, (especially when overweight is part of the problem) and other times it is simple. a few changes to our bed, a "snorer's" pillow, and those little nose/tape thingies, and my hubby is backing away from the brink of psychosis. no f'ing thanks to the sheepskins involved. the c.i.a. believes in sleep psychosis, but the a.m.a. seems to have a problem with it. go figure.
my problem involves bursts of alpha brain waves that wake my up. i can feel them. i also get little itchy pinprick like sensations that i think are kinda like when you d.t.'s. hubby has restless leg syndrome, also. different people get different twitches and stuff.
i have been trying to get to the bottom of this for a long time, and have seen many, many docs, including neurologists, but it is all borderline things that do not quite show up in the usual tests.
if i were you, i would insist on a sleep study, as should anyone being treated for any mental illness that involves sleep troubles. but that may be the ravings of a tinfoil hat looney.

[Ladyhawk]

4. Hehe...I already use a CPAP at night. :)

Just curious...but could something sleep-related besides sleep apnea cause some of my problems? I know my diabetes causes mood swings.

[mopinko]

5. sure can

there are a lot of things that can screw with your sleep, and then you are screwed.
did you ever have a bad head injury? if you have a cpap, your probably had a study. i would hope they would have found anything else that was happening, but who knows.
i am really looking forward to seeing a sleep doctor in a couple of weeks. i am hoping he will recommend a good book to read, cuz this stuff is really fascinating. looking back on my life and seeing that some of my f'ed up times were due to things like snoring husbands, instead of my inherent worthlessness, like i thought, is proving to be a wonderful thing.

[knowbody0]

6. your sense of humor knocks me out LadyHawk

[Lorien]

7. I live more than 1000 miles away from my fundie mom and sister

I haven't seen my sister in 12 years and I'm fine with that. As far as mom goes; I just ignore the statements she makes that I disagree with, and she does the same. Of course, now that my brain chemistry is healthy and normal (continuing the Alpha-stim use) their nuttiness is merely annoying and not crazymaking.

[Kashka-Kat]

8. thnx for this topic!

After a few yrs. now of getting somewhere w/ my emotional and healing work on myself and a sense of progress --I got completely derailed w/ the Nov. 2004 elections-- a big part of this was learning, thru a series of email exchanges w several siblings who are fundamentalist christian and mom who is very traditional catholic, just how right wing extremist they were. I knew they'd probably voted for Bush but I was curious about whether that meant they necessarily bought into the complete Bush agenda. The answer, many pages of bible quotes and Rush Limbaugh-isms later, in short was YUP, they pretty much bought it all. The whole enchilada. The most totally disheartening thing was the sense that if they bought all that then surely they also bought into the whole right vs. left, evil vs. good thing, which puts liberals/progressives in the role of being evil haters of god and country... and how does one ever attempt to communicate over a divide that vast and unbridgeable.

But you know even more than that, was simultaneously feeling a deep loss of my peer group. At the time I most needed support and to feel that we were still slogging on and working together in spite of the setback ... it seemed like that all utterly vanished the very next day. I live in a very blue city and it was like everyone was so withdrawn and in a state of shock for weeks and it still hangs over everything. I had been working on election issue and had gone to Milwaukee polls to be an observer-- the night before the election and thruout the day I was feeling the power of working w/ these people and I said several times, no matter what happens at least we've been mobilized and at least we'll have each other and at least we'll have this sense of power. Well, I was wrong. It utterly evaporated the very next day... although of course some of us did continue to struggle on w/ voting, enivronmental and other issues. I'm not sure what the answer is. I hate to sound "negative" but I wonder how much good it is to just be shooting off emails and online petitions to each other... wishing we could come together face to face and scream in the streets... and somehow, BE HEARD.

Anyway to OP, best wishes recovering from your surgery, are you thinking you might be able to go back to being independent again? Is there some way of keeping yr distance, of not "allowing in" some of people's psych energies... while at the same time maintaining some kind of contact and engagement with them? I don't completely know the answer to that question, but I do hold on to some hope that this might be possible. We have a family reunion this summer and I do not want to go feeling like there is so much about me I have to keep hidden for fear I will be rejected, or judged.

[Ladyhawk]

9. It's tough to learn that one's family is basically...well, fascist. :(

Not only is my family dysfunctional, it is also extremely right-wing and most of the members are fundies. The only exception is my brother, the Ayn Rand Objectivist, Rush Limbaugh lover and abuser of animals and prison inmates. My Uncle Larry, who used to be the Director of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing appears to have also bought into the whole right-wing agenda.

God, I'm lonely. :(

I have trouble with the whole "boundaries" issue, as it is. My mother never taught me to have good boundaries because she needs to control me. I've been caught between a rock and a hard place for a very long time. :( Surgery sidelined me and I'm having a harder time recovering than anticipated. My diabetes has also been taking me on one hell of a roller coaster ride. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm lonely. I wanna go home...wherever that is.

I was also FLOORED by the November election. I was so sure people couldn't be stupid enough to vote for * a second time. Well, either they were that stupid or the election was stolen. Sometimes I think we console ourselves with the idea the election was stolen so we won't fully realize that the people in this nation are one or more of the following:

1) Dumber than bird shit
2) Willfully ignorant
3) Greedy sons of bitches
4) Are authoritarian Christians who will follow any "Christian" leader blindly
5) Not paying attention / can't think critically
6) Really and truly evil

Did I miss anything?

I've been contemplating joining Skinner's activist brigade. I've also been contemplating staying far, far away from politics because the whole thing just makes me sad. I inform myself, yeah, but to me it causes pain. Someone said it was like watching a train wreck. You can't look away, even though you know it will hurt to watch. I wonder if staying away from the bad news might be the best thing for me right now.

I have a feeling many people who post in this particular forum are also highly sensitive. The highly sensitive have it tougher in every aspect of life in Western civilization. Hard times get to everyone, but the sensitive suffer most of all.

I want to move to the coast where there are fewer right-wingers and fundies, but I can't even get out of bed most days. Someone hold me. :(

[Lorien]

10. When your family is dysfunctional, then you need to MAKE a family

of your own.

I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking about finding and maintaining friendships that will last throughout your life. I have three friends at least that I know will always be with me (one I've known for 33 years)! They are my true "family".

You need to stop waiting for things to change. Get out of bed, make appointments. If you don't want to try my solution try a dietary change, or exercise, or anti-depressants...don't stop trying to beat depression until you've exhausted EVERY possible solution. I didn't and I finally beat it. Lack of action CAN kill a person, and you'll always regret the time you've lost to feeling like shit once you do actually get to a point where it's so unbearable that you say "ENOUGH"!!!!! and change your situation. You need to move, you need to get the hell away from your toxic relatives and find a place where you can develop aa sense of independence and self worth. You know this. Don't waste any more time...I'm old enough now to know one thing for certain; it's the things we DON'T do that we regret most of all. You have a lot to offer the world, but you won't discover this until you make the moves that will change your mindset and your life.

[Lilith Velkor]

11. Wish I knew

My family is DLC-type Dems, they absolutely despise people who have less money than they do. So my mom lets me stay here, but she makes sure I feel bad about it. Everytime I make a little progress she freaks the fuck out. I have nowhere to go. I have a few friends but they have their own problems.

Gawd...I have actually started to think I understand why my father used to beat her. :scared:

So I'm sorry I don't have an answer. All I can offer is my own whining as a little variety from your own.