To reach out or not

[Nikia]

I have been suffering from anxiety disorders, perhaps for most of my life. It really escalated though when I had my first panic attack at the age of 23. I also have generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and perhaps post traumatic stress syndrome. Last year, I developed anorexia as well. I have become depressed.
I go to work everyday to a place that I dread to go. There I work mainly alone. With the only one with my position, I feel alone. Most of the women in production seem jealous of me and I feel that we don't have the same sort of life. Most of the men in production seem to see my value as a sex object and I have been sexually harassed by several. The men in management see me as a threat to their fraternity and always seem to be pushing me into my place. I don't feel connected with those people.
I go home to my husband who has not worked in about a year. He is usually depressed and in a bad mood. He refuses to see a doctor or counselor about his depression. He either seems to be distant or outright emotionally needy. He gets angry though if I get needy or don't take care of him when he is.
I have had a good friend who my husband and I see together. He seems to be having his own emotional crisis: marital problems, problems with his parents, unhappiness at his low paying job and problems with coworkers. He has become very angry concerning these problems and seems to have become a less caring, less responsible person.
Most other friends, I have not seen or talked to for a while. I have not seen any members of my own family for over a year (they all live several states away). I do not call them and they do not call me.
I go to individual counseling and a support group every week, but I don't know if that is enough.
Frankly, I do not call friends or family because I am ashamed. I am ashamed of my condition. I am afraid that they will negatively judge me even more. I am afraid that I will be unfairly imposing upon then. Isn't it a but narcisstic to call someone who you have not talked to in over a year and say "Help me, I am having problems."? For the same reason, I hesitate to try to make any more friends.
Sometimes, I wish that my husband did not love me and that my friend did not care for me. In a way, I wish that I could just get rid of them. I feel bad that I drug them into my mess. I feel like I am continuing to bring them down. I feel like that they would be better off without me. I feel like I would be better off without anyone to worry about.
On the otherhand, I feel that reaching out to people is my only chance to get better. I have been strong and courageous throughout s my life, which included some rather horrifying events and circumstances,but I feel out of control with all of this. My life has gotten out of control. I feel like I cannot do it on my own.
What can I do?

[Droopy]

1. One thing you can do is tell all of this to your counselor

if you haven't already.

Another is seriously evaluate if you still want to be married. Is it just money that is causing most of the trouble with your marriage? If it is then you might find yourself in a very happy relationship when things start going your way financially. If there's more to the picture then you might be better off on your own.

The world looks totally different when it is seen through happy, well adjusted, symptom free eyes. Try to get to that point. Take care of yourself.

[EFerrari]

2. Hi there, Nikia

I could have written this post when I was in my first marriage. Although I didn't know it at the time, I had PTSD from dealing with an alcoholic single mother and raising my brother from the time I was 11. (Mom has now been sober for 31 years. She is a miracle and we've settled the past, thank God.)

But, in those days, no one knew much about PTSD or Panic Disorder or Anorexia. I felt so guilty the whole time I was feeling so awful. It was like watching the movie of my life -- because I just couldn't connect with it. When my husband lost his job and went into a depression, I wasn't much help to him, overwhelmed myself.

All I can tell you is what worked for me, right? I've always hated taking medicine, just one of my quirks. But, I went through a clinical trial at Stanford. They put me on anxiety meds and my life changed. No more panic attacks. And I learned how to notice the panic 'way in advance, too, so I could stay ahead of it -- like staying ahead of pain.

There is WONDERFUL technology available to you now. I hope with all my heart that you will find it -- because it can change your life.

When my chemistry was finally straightened out, I wasn't phobic any more. I actually sat on the edge of the Grand Canyon and felt so much peace. I went back to school and that was a joy for me.

My first marriage eventually ended because my husband just couldn't decide to take the steps he needed to take for himself. And that was too bad. Caused our kids a lot of pain.

Imho, reaching out to someone who you know is 100% in your corner is what family and friendship is about. Someday, it will be their turn. Really, it will.

:hug:

Beth