have you been able to heal relationships?

[mopinko]

has therapy and treatment allowed you to heal old relationships? i need some hope here.
i have been trying to talk to my bp daughter a lot lately, as her father has reached out to her in this, and, unfortunately, 3 years of therapy hasn't helped her stop hating me. things like this don't do anything for my low opinion of sheepskins.
the reason she hates me is- her real troubles began, in her eyes, when i sent them all to school after 8 years of home school. she says she feels like i dumped her into 30' of water without any swimming lessons. somehow she doesn't remember that i did everything i could think of to teach her to "swim", including a couple of thousand dollars worth of tutoring, and nothing seemed to work. i was pretty overwhelmed by this after a while, and admit i did not handle things with the patience a good teacher should have. since she never did time in a catholic grade school, she doesn't know how much more patient i was than your average nun.
we always had a rocky relationship. neither of us knew that it was because of her budding bp. i couldn't understand why she couldn't seem to do anything that i told her to do. and why she understood things one day and forgot them the next.
the thing is, in the end, i know she would not have done better in regular school. in fact, i have little doubt it would have been worse. a big part of her crash was the public school's utter misrepresentation of the school/program where she started out. now that she is in therapeutic school, she is getting straight a's. i don't know where she thinks she got the foundation for that. i did do a lot of things right. she is a voracious reader, and has traveled, and been exposed to so much of the culture that is available here in chicago. in fact, her success now is clearly the result of the foundation that i gave her. her social worker at school has said as much.
my amateur shrink take is that as long as she can blame all her troubles on me, she doesn't have to admit that she is ill. i don't think she does accept it, and consequently refuses to take any meds. i have had to just step out of her situation as completely as possible, because if i say take your pills, she will for sure flush them, etc.
so, i have sort of given up, hoping she will eventually work it out. early on we asked her therapist to do some sessions with her dad and i, and he refused. we were too overwhelmed to find someone who would do this. we had 2 referrals from him that were disasters. maybe we are ready to look at that again.

so, does anyone have a story of hope for me? if 3 years of therapy can't help my daughter accept that she has a disease, and not blame everything on me, what hope do i have that my husband will ever get over whatever is going on with him?

[DemExpat]

1. I probably can't help you here, mopinko,

and have my share of painful relationships that can't seem to heal, but with my children, I must have done something conducive to good relationships as now I have loving, open relationships with them both.

I think parents need to back off kids sometimes, and to try to create an atmosphere of unconditional love without letting them run wild or being overbearing to the parents.

To focus on yourself, not always on your family, and to be kind to yourself, having fun, doing things you love....this process gets the focus off of trying to fix it all for all your loved ones and to let them find a way to do this themselves - without feeling pushed by your efforts.

It is so tough, and the teenage years can be so hard to bear sometimes with the conflicts and all of the feelings that kids are trying to work out.....

So I would say, YES, do give up, but not on the loving part of relating to your children! Be there for them, if they ASK, give them gentle guidance, show them that you love and respect them, and more than that is impossible IMHO.

This is my experience.

:hug:

DemEx

[mopinko]

2. i think i have done pretty well with the kid

at least i think i have. but now that she is 18, i am having to do a little nudging, and it is rocky. especially as it relates to her taking responsibility for her care. i refuse to make appointments, or chauffeur her around anymore. it wasn't the driving, it was the ranting all the way, complaining about this doctor, or that medication. she can take public transportation all over town, but can't seem to take a short el ride to her therapy. she is very pissed at me that i have refused to do it any more. but she just has to take care of herself.
everything is a test with her, tho. if i won't give her a ride somewhere, it is proof that she has no mother. the 10,000,000 i have given her in the past don't count. oh well.
it is hard to watch, tho. the suicide rate of untreated bp is always in the back of my mind.

as far as me, i have to say that i am finding the peace of having him and his anger out of the house to be very welcome. as painful as it is to be in this state, a break from the constant fear of an eruption is doing me a lot of good. it was really wearing me down to deal with all that. having him be mad about things that i think are figments of his twisted mind is pretty wearing. i am trying to understand, but days on end in a shit storm does get to you. conflict without content is what the therapist said. that is what it has gotten to.
we see the therapist together tonight.

[DemExpat]

3. Oh yes, I had to do some nudging too to have my kids take more

responsibility and move towards independence.

We had been pushing our son for awhile in one area that we felt was vital to no avail, and his anger and sadness were getting to be problems.

Only when we finally backed off and let him find his way did he do just that. He is happy, we are happy for him.

:hug: and good luck tomight.

DemEx

[mopinko]

4. ya gotta do both

push and back off. it is just hard when the push results in an outburst of what i have taken to calling blackening. i told hubby yesterday that i feel like he has painted me black. that's just how it feels.

[ernstbass]

5. It may take her several years of being on her own

before she can get a different perspective on your relationship. I would encourage you not to give up, but not to expect anyhting too soon either.

[mopinko]

6. i did mean it more generally

using her as an example. my question really is, those of you that feel like your therapy was successful, were you able to heal relationships that were harmed by mental illness?

[DemExpat]

7. In that light....some were able to be healed

(like my relationship with my Mom before she died after my years of therapy....)
but I never got over, really, the abusive style of my father, :-( and my relationship with my husband of 25 years has not improved much besides considering the mellowness of our getting older. :-)


How did your session go last night?

:hi:

DemEx

[mopinko]

8. bad

sheepskins, jesus i hate them. oops, that's crazy talk.
he says he is happy out of the house, and wants to work out a budget so that he can sign a 6 month lease. i still think he is depressed, or whatever, and not thinking straight. shrink thinks i am denying his feelings and insisting on focusing on the issue of impairment in order to avoid facing my flaws. when is say i feel a lot better mentally with treatment of my fibro, she thinks i am trying to deny .. something.
i was afraid that he would do just this- throw away the marriage to hide from his problems. i kept trying to talk about us, and the shrink kept insisting that i kicked him out and now i have to stop standing in the way of his starting over. and that it is "not a given" that we are going to be able to get back together.
i am fuming. last session my answer to what i thought was wrong was- i think he is suffering from a mental illness and needs treatment and medication. he nervously insisted that he is fine, and no one is going to make him get help. i'm just a witch, and i wont leave him alone. i am crazier than i have ever been, he says. she just said, ok. not, what makes you say that, nothing. she just keeps telling me that "everyone has to make their own decisions about their mental health care" what is the matter with these people?
i am stuck with this shrink now, even though i feel like yelling in her face that if she is not interested in trying to fix families, or does not feel like she can, maybe she could refer us to someone who can. but, it would be final proof that i am nuts to switch. i got him to agree to sit tight where he is for a couple more days, and we see her on friday night. i have been e-mailing him, and although he says it bugs him, i am going to keep it up. (i'm going to start a thread about this) trying to keep the lines of communication open is apparently proof of craziness, but what the heck, if he thinks i am crazier than ever, i have nothing to lose.

[mopinko]

9. also

i believe it was you who talked about telling mhp's that they should respect your family, and not push for severance as a solution. i want to thank you for those words, because that is what i told the therapist in a phone call this morning. she was insistent last night on negotiating a separation, while i was trying to focus on talking and healing. it pissed my off. when she called me back, we talked about keeping the focus on working things out. i think he is leaving just to hide from the whole thing. i also gave her some grief because she seems to think that my insistence that he needs medical help is some kind of manipulative crap. she seems to take his avoidance and denial at face value, but dismisses my respectful insistence that he consider getting more help.
sheepskins!

[DemExpat]

10. Maybe that wasn't me, for I believe I said a separation might be

very good while each works on their own stuff....:-)

But I certainly would not be happy with a therapist who pushed for a separation of the family.

I wish you strength and all the best, mopinko.

:hug:

DemEx

[mopinko]

11. it was a while ago, in an earlier thread.

we both admit that the peace is doing us some good. if we were printing our own money, it would be a fine idea. he does feel put out, tho, which of course, he is. he misses his home and all. we were talking about trying to find some balance between patience and progress, between the mood swings of hope and hopelessness. we weren't doing too well on that, tho.