what would you say to my hubby

[mopinko]

and me, i guess, about getting help? i feel like he is feeling overwhelmed and threatened by everything, angry like guys get, but i am the focus of it. (thank you george bush- the world situation, and my "obsession" with it are definitely a contributing factor in this mess.)
i know how depression makes the world all black. his certainly is. i certainly am to him. i don't think medication will fix everything, but i don't think without it we can fix anything. it MIGHT help.
what would you all tell him?

[mopinko]

1. what i said to him- an e-mail

last night at the therapist, he insisted that he was happy to be gone, and did not want to come back. he says he wants to find an apartment.
this is what i told him today.
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i don't know what i can do to convince you that i am not, as you say, crazier than i have every been. i know that i have had a shift in behavior, and i know that it is scaring you. this is hurting me a lot. if we weren't in this place, i think you would figure it out. i wish i could convince you that i am not feeling crazier than ever, i am feeling more sane than ever. i hope that the person that you saw last night looked like someone you might be able to trust some day. i hope that you remember the person that was on vacation with you a few weeks ago. ok, except for the last day. i was tired, frustrated, scared, worried, and very sad. i know that things boiled over in an ugly and scary way. but i want you to remember that corie and keeve decided i was crazy based on your description of me, and seeing me on that day, when i was feeling so bad. and i do understand why corie found the sight of me doing dishes to be so disturbing. really i do. but doing dishes is not really an inherently crazy thing to do. neither is getting up early, and only needing 8 hours of sleep. if i was sleeping for 4 or 5 hours, that might be mania. but sleeping 8 hours instead of 10, or 12 is just healthy.
like i said before, i feel like you have painted me completely black. i think you are in a black place, i think that everything there looks black. i think that you described the way things looked in that black place, and they agreed that it was awful, and needed to be fixed. i agree that that black place is awful. if the only way for you to get out of that black place is for you to be away from me for a while, so be it. i am glad that you are finding some peace and light where you are, and want very much for you to hang on to that. i think it is a good thing for both of us to feel like we can survive without each other. it takes away a fear. any light is good light.

i know that i am also feeling very distraught at the way things are going, and i guess that is also something that you are seeing, and worrying about. i don't know what to say about that, except that i am distraught, and i would wonder about anyone who is not distraught when they feel like their family is falling apart, and that it could and should be prevented.
i also understand that it is very upsetting for you for me to be so afraid. try to understand that i do accept that i am part of what is so frightening. i am afraid of my own feelings, they are strong, and sometimes very black. i have been trying hard to do things differently, but it is hard. we cannot go back to the way things were, it was too much for everyone. but it was not the sum total of everything that made me ask you to leave. it was one thing- it was that you said you had made a decision that when things got out of hand, you would leave the house. that made me feel safe. that made me feel like we were making progress. that made me feel that we could break out of the old cycles. you also said that you were working on letting things go, and it seemed like you were able to do that. then you weren't. that made me feel hopeless. that is what i was feeling when i asked you to leave. even more than afraid, i was feeling hopeless.

i want to remind you that we said that we would give therapy 6 months, and then decide. i am not saying "stick to your promise asshole", i am just reminding you that you thought that was a good idea a little while ago. that you thought that we both wanted the same thing. i think we both do. we both want peace, love and family . i honestly believe what i said last night, that i think when you say you do not want to come back, you just are not wanting to deal with a lot of pain, and i don't blame you. that is not to say that you are not entitled to feel that way. you are. that is not even to say that we should stay together. you could be right, we could be un-fixable. but i must say, one more time, that i think that you could get help with your black feelings, if you could reach out and take the help that is there. not to say that you are the problem, not to say that if you took some medication it would fix everything. just to say that maybe some medication could lift that black curtain, and we could be dealing with things from a better place. that is not meant as an insult, or as a denial of my own problems. just to say that i feel like i am in a better place to deal with things now that i am feeling better, and that you might feel that way too. please just consider the possibility that the terrible stress that we have been under has left you needing a little help. if some medication can help, what do you have to lose? you have a lot to gain. even if splitting up is what has to happen, as someone who has been there, i can tell you that, yes, freedom feels good, but there are a lot of bad feelings that are a part of it, they are coming your way, no matter how right the decision is, and getting some help will help you with that, too.
i am still trying, i am still committed, i still love you. i know you do not feel that way now, that is ok. i accept that we are broken now. i do not accept that we cannot be fixed. i want to keep trying, and i want you to keep trying.