Feeling futile

[undergroundpanther]

I am feeling really futile today.

As some of you know I am saving up for transgender surgury that will help me cope with life.It's not a choice for me.

Anyways my mom"promised" to help out.And she backed out like the liar she is.And so I am back to the sysphus savings program.Today the car needed a new alternator.The money that I have saved is gone..and I will wear these udders..longer,and longer becauase whateve I save is stolen by other needs.That's reality and I am well aware reality hates me.


Right now mom is on"vacation" in virginia with her sisters..On one side I am thankful the house is not charged up with her anxiety,the TV is not blaring at obscene volumes,with religious fascists,or crime shows featuring rape and abuse.Little does mom know the SHIT she obsesses over triggers the SHIT out of me..and so because she is gone I do not have to hide downstairs to stay away from her and her issues.At the same time I resent her. I resent her precious obliviousness and her selfishness and fear of her own guilt that creates the anxiety that sets the family rushing to comfort her like they used to do for my alchoholic rapist father..and that dynamic has made me the family poison container..because I just can't lie and play make believe like that..


I see a dynamic of make believe in the country too.A make believe game that hurts me..that I cannot do shit about..And that I cannot hide from.
The rich never have to worry about this kind of shit I do because everyone sucks thier ass and jumps when they say to and never see themselves as being preyed upon by these"good people" .Everyone lives less happy so the rich can get more for less.Just like everyone in an alcholic family lives like crap and pretends he"means well" and the person confessing the truth is seen as a monster a threat to the way things are,..ect..

Truthfully I am well aware for the rich to live as commfy as they do it requires most of the world to accept being Shafted and used , That is the American way, you are used and denied deprived and betrayed until you become a clever enough thief to invent a useless product you must convince the world they can't live without,or you sell your soul and learn to be a lean mean corporate axeman and suck the right ass to get ahead so you never want (go hungry) again as Scarlett Ohara Declared when Tara was in ruins...and it was not her fault.

Always and the rich will shaft the classes born beneath them out of thier share of comforts, happiness and money rather than DARE go without a new home or whatever excessive thing they want NOW. They don't give a shit about me or if I live or die,if I am happy or not they want to profit from my misdery and if they can't they would rather me just go away.I do not exist to them..But on my end I must exist because I am here and these pigs block my way to happiness with thier riged unfair unequal competitive system,rules and greed..and our culture says this is all Fine and even worse they tell me either hustle,make some money or shuddap and accept your cage and don't make noise.. Yeah.

How am I to"suceeed without risking my sanity you corporate pig? If I make past a certain amount of money I lose benifiets and my therapy I need to keep from killing myself, or any rich thug I see in my way..My stupid true believer capitalist therapist tells me shit like Oh just invent whatever,and sell it.. you can do it,and I just shake my head at his well meaning but hurtful ignorance, his insulated pollyanna bubblehead and short sightedness his fat paycheck , his lack of mental illness,insight and ability to endure stress that would kill me,and less abusive upbringing have allowed him to have. That I don't have and can't fathom how to get.

In reality to the wealthy the cost of my surgery is a drop in the bucket.But they don't want the poor to be comfortable that undermines Thier system. I know they would'nt even feel it if they were to shell out the costs they spend on fancy clothes,fine foods, cars ect. and it was for my surgery that would help me cope.. To comfy middle class people not living on credit I think it's a minor debt to work around for them.

But for me,I feel like sysyphus.All becausestupid fucking bigots control way too much about who gets what help by what criteria in this country as do selfish wealthy people who have greed based corporations who do not want to share anything without a profit exploiting 99% of the world through self destructive myths like Horatio Algier alongside "thou shalt not covet" and "obey your master" this lie and hope carrot and the beating of poverty and the fear of homlessness and failure to compete is the shit that drives people in this system.
And for a rigged system like this to work,inequality is taught as a way of life here because people from birth are conditioned to believeinequality is moral or something that MUST BE or they might LOSE OUT..Death proves how false this inequality is.But what pollyanna capitalit thinks about the COST of tommorrow when they live for today telling themselves I will be able to enjoy it all in X amount of time because hard work pays off somday keep the nose to the grindstone and never think about how fucking miserable it all is..and even in death the rich have it better than the rest of us do..Why? who says they are better> Sucess is not alwways due to hard work and prudence sometimes it is dumb luck and what family you are born into. Most of us have been taught to believe we deserve less happiness wealth and comfort than rich people are entitled to and we have INTERNALIZED this belief.and this belief makes slaves of us.

I haven't internalized this shitI lost Faith" in the benevolent beautiful "challenging"world idea long ago..And I burn with anger at this injustice I face and the indignity of poverty that exists everywhere simply because too many people still believe the thieves of happiness can keep whatever they can get anyway they can. Losers get shafted winners take all..It's the Necromonger way you keep what you kill.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necromonger#The_Necromonger_Way

I wonder If there is a heaven,and if I get to heaven(criteria for admission to any heavens any religions offer is very fuzzy a futile excercize as best and I am not sure I even want to BE there) will I finally have the correct body will it not betray me..? Or am I condemmed Because I feel condemned already.Or will I feel like sysyphus for a very long time because well shit happens and happens and happens and I am supposed to just hope and hope and hope all the while I want to rip my body apart,yeah right..


I hate this life,this world is too full of obedient slaves who are so convinced they are free,and this sick unfair unequal system opression that has no place or comfort for the likes of people like me, to the point I wish I was never born.

I wish death would just take me..now.Why wasen't I born to be happy? Why wasen't I put in the right body? What conditions in the womb made me like this,,I can't FIX? Why must I feel this wrongness everyday put on the bra and feel the burning of this wrongness inside.Why did I have to grow up to be female with a male identity and get my brain scarred by abuse because I wasen't girly enough or guy enough so the kids hated me for being not like them enough,so the stress,triggerers PSTD and symptoms keep me from playing the rigged system,set before me with any "sucess".. because some assholes wanted to get his dick off with a little kid ?Why Why Why and why do I suffer because of THEM and thier system whether I want to or not!!Fuuuuck!

I HATE existance I hate _ALL_sociopath/abuser/bully rapist control freak people, I hate life when I have to be subjected to sociopaths around me and thier crazy making societies,rules and games made up by THEM and reinforced by millions playing this sickening game.

But no I can't go kill myself,it is very difficult to kill a body..and I got 3 wonderful cats and my partner.. the 4 beings I really do care about who need me who I do not want to hurt.I aint gonna be like my fucking mother. The shackles of love hold me here.In this cage.I mighht as well deal with it.

And so my choice is I will wait and wait..for it all to stop and there will be no more body,no more bullies, no more existance,strife struggle or stress and no one will feel guilty and blame themselves because we all know all bodies eventually die all by themselves.
And I will be a sysyphus as shit happens.struggling and saving until....I get surgury or I die or SSI is cut by the rich pigs and the pollyanna capitalists like my therapist...That is my situation.

I find comfort in knowing death will come for me someday anyway it makes it tolerable to live. Impending death is what makes me able to endure my time here in this unjust insane shithole.

Life is for the most part for me is a big cage of unhappiness and frustration and broken hope,denied dreams and contortions I do to find a comfortable state of mind that is fleeting..Maybe I should get a lobotomy and kill my emotion centers to cope with all this shit.I seriously consider it maybeECT will fry the memory scars so my brain stops feeling it as if it all never happened? I wonder these things.

All I know is I never asked to be here ..So Thanks mom you fucking liarmasshole,betrayer,promise breaker. I hate you and dead your asshole of a husband for bringing me here in this body that you refuse to help repair because of your own beliefs and fears about gender,to THIS to your fucked up sick family ,and not helping me be safe when I needed you.Fuck you very much.

I hate you mom for not doing your job because of your own unconfronted issues ,selfish narcissism,and insisting on marrying of an abusive alchoholic fuckhead loser piece of shit,even tho HIS family warned you he was crazy,no you were led by a fantasy,and your lonliness made yopu wantvto have a kid to soothe YOUR anxiety,and pregnancy was one way to easy your colitus (I guess the idea of leaving the abusive creep you married never occured to a subserviant doormat like yourself did it)So I am nothing but an ANXIETY pill and a colitus cure.That's why you had me ..for YOURSELF. YOUR NEEDS.Listen, your choices have hurt ME,and they still hurt me and I do not know how to fix it, and there is no therapy or religion that exists that can fix it ,and all I know is a surgury that might offer relief and that is so scary to you and seems frivolous and all to you you selfish controlling coward. I wish you could feel what I feel inside.But than again narcissists like you, mom are not capable of THAT level of empathy. Fuck you.

TRACY BONHAM

Mother Mother

Mother mother how's the family, I'm just calling to say hello
How's the weather how's my father am I lonely heavens no
Mother mother are you listening, just a phone call to ease your mind
Life is perfect never better, distance making the heart grow blind

When you sent me off to see the world, where you scared that I might get hurt
Would I try a little tobacco, would I keep on hiking up my skirt

(In my case it would be wearing leather and shaving my hair)

I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine

I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding to death
Everything's fine

Yeah, I'm working, making money I'm just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner, I could make it any day
Mother mother can you hear me, sure I'm sober sure I'm sane
Life is perfect never better, still your daughter still the same

(in the mental hospital I told her this sort of stuff.. because if I told her I was locked in a little room day after day I would explode and lose my priveleges to see her)

If I tell you what you want to hear, will it help you to sleep well at night
Are you sure that I'm your perfect dear, now just cuddle up and sleep tight

I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine

I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding to death
Everything's fine

I miss you
I love you

(And I realize you do not love me,
because you love an image of me
you have in your own mind more.)

[Droopy]

1. Well, that does sound rather futile

I'm 32. I started driving a truck for a living 8.5 years ago. I am just now getting to the point where I can say that I am leading a comfortable life. It was getting too comfortable there for a little while and the drinking, smoking, and gambling almost interrupted my comfortable lifestyle. But I gave all that up and now I'm doing alright. I can't get everything I want, but I have everything I need. I'm not really worried about anybody else right now aside from those who are running the country.

But if I were rich, ugp, I'd send you a check and line you up with a good surgeon.

[undergroundpanther]

2. Thanks for the offer...really

Saddest thing is I have the paperwork and surgeon all ready to roll except for the surgery date. I am half way done as of now, I have had the hysterectomy( insurance covered it because I was bleeding to death slowly I got anemia because of polyps that nothing could fix(lucky me at that time) For some trans-people their bodies are in turmoil there is a clash on a biological level.For me I have a biological level thing.

To get transgender surgery in Bigoted wealthy ass sucking America,without going to some hack overseas in a place like Thailand(believe me trans-people will risk their lives to get this done by hacks if they see no way out Gender Dysphoria is THAT painful) Still you have to "prove it" and go through hoops,plenty of them. A therapist has to OK the procedure and you have to be seen by others as the other gender to some degree for a time.And there are more hoops.Some of the hoops have been omitted for female to males because well,it's obvious..But it is no easy thing to get done.

Your kind intention it still means alot, it helps me to know there are people out there who would help if they could, And it occurred to me if you still feel like helping someone.. there are plenty of other trans-people in my place too.Consider giving something here if you want:

http://tarafoundation.org/index.htm.

Thanks for caring.

This is not directed at you,consider this a warning to the mega million and billionaires out there..

If there were more people who had money who cared and did something besides sit on it there would be enough for everyone to be secure enough to to have enough to find happiness.

We might not have mega billionaires,but also we wouldn't have people starving,homeless and going without health insurance or not getting help when they need it either.

I think sacrificing our few mega billionaires and making them share the wealth they have accumulated on the backs of countless others is a small price for them to pay back considering so many lives have been ruined so they could live so decadently for so long and control so much of our lives directly and by proxy.

Income equality is what helps keep societies sane, I think.
By sane I don't mean necessarily conservative or conformist or saddled with overweening ambitions ..or obedient to authority when I say sane....

I mean self directed,free,happy ,empowered and sane enough to have hopes and dreams and care about their lives,time and financial cushion enough reduce their own stress,explore their own mind and maintain relationships to make them better,lose the desperation,get involved in their own neighborhoods,spend time with their spouses friends and kids,get hobbies,not be threatened by diversity, and care about the well being of others and get to know them..that kinda sane.
A little sharing with no strings to manipulate through gifts..goes a long way in establishing a real dialog..Trust has been betrayed,the American dream is dead for most people because the inequality is too much for the culture to bear without threatening collapse..The third world has suffered because of the few mega billionaires as have people here too.And the suffering are beginning to see the type of elitist disconnected billionaire that is making suffering happen for their own greed.And they will not be happy with the few robber barons who thought they were so clever stealing their happiness with really painful sticks and totally fake carrots..