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wanted to let you all know that things here are settling down, on both the hubby front and on the kid front.
hubby seems to finally be caught up on his sleep, and feeling rational. we still have a lot of crap to slog through before i will feel like we have a real, solid marriage. over the weekend, we did some talking, and he was not only able to see the defensive bs that he is so good at dishing and denying, he was able to make fun of it. we have found it very useful to tell each other what we hear when the other is talking. to say that subtext out loud. and talk about it.
he started it by telling me, when i was talking about his tactics for not talking, and for controlling the conversations, that what he heard was "you are wrong, i am right, you have to listen to me, i am always right." he said he feels like he has to defend himself all the time, and asked what he is supposed to do. i told him to try listening to the actual words i am actually saying, because i am not saying what he is hearing.
as far as the kid, knowledge is power. knowing more about what is happening with her helps a lot in sorting out the right response to things. like knowing that she can't help reacting with a fight to any provocation helps sort out the perennial parental problem of 'who started the fight?' and, of course, it helps diminish the pain of having a child that hates you. helps with the sibs that have been her targets as well.
actually, her own prognosis is pretty good. had time to talk to the social worker some more, and am told that i should be optimistic that she has had a lot of good help, early enough to really make a difference for her. which also helps the guilt and pain. i did some things right. and they weren't easy things to do either.
so, all in all, i think things might actually be moving in the right direction.
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