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yknow.... why do we feel we have to apologize for our feelings, its part of being alive. that you care to share them is a gift ... breaking thru the hard-heartedness of the world and reaching out to communicate to others - your statements connect with me/ my experience and I feel less alone having read it. Apart from the ptsd--there is another dimension to these feelings --to be capable of feeling your own pain and not dumping it on other people, and feeling empathy with other living beings even the poor dog killed in the street, that is a good thing no? Although yes the intensity can be difficult to live with... a couple yrs. back I really lost it when I read about children being held in abu ghraib and sodomized as a way of getting at their parents... I cried for days and it was endless, there was no sense of resolution like you sometimes get with a good cry-- ahorrid mixture of guilt and shame for my part in enabling the abuse (my tax dollars, yes, I personally write checks to the freakin IRS to pay my taxes!!!) and triggered reliving of my own stuff from childhood...
My therapist being somewhat "alternative" framed it this way, that to take on the pain of others can be a sort of "prayer," or offering to the world, and she taught me that you can sort of extend your love and care outward to the others in pain and somehow reaching your mind out in this way she thinks actually does result in something happening out in the world ... I'm not real "new age-y" myself-- but I greatly appreciated the thought and I do try to hold on to th e possibility it might be true and at least not be too down on myself for having feelings...
Re: your children, if you are feeling your pain and not acting it out/ dumping it on them, not making them "responsible" and not perpetuating the abuse another generation-- you're doing good. I have a hunch that children being children understand the language of tears and grief and direct emotional expression. It's lies and denial ("nothing is wrong, why, what's your problem?") that they have trouble with. Do they say how they feel about it, if it scares them or is OK with themn?
re: new orleans, it really hit me hard too, where it hurts... one of my fav cities, I would dream about it every now and then-- I'd be wandering around or hanging out with people there. Its very much a part of my own personal mythology representing sexuality and creative energy... as well as of course being a national treasure in its own right (said to be the capital of Black america due to its history of being a place where educated blacks and freed slaves settled). so it absolutely infuriates me, the negligence and incompetence (on all levels) which has resulted in this catastrophee
re: the rage/fear/grief triggered by current events, for me its not so much the actions or statements by Bushies-- after all there is in every society fascistic elements-- but the powerlessness of "our side" in defending or fighting against it or keeping it in check. I have trouble with the lack of imagination or leadership ie sticking their necks out with some concrete plans or alternatives (with a few notable exceptions like Russ Feingold and John Conyers) I still cant quite forgive the Democrats who (with a few notable exceptions) rubber stamped their approval of the Iraq war. All the evidence incl discrediting of powells testimony was right out there in the media and on the web. It's awful feeling like there is no one out there looking out for us, or taking responsibility.
I'm not looking for an argument about this (have noticed similar sentiments getting slammed on this board) but just to say, that my own particular pain is triggered by the resemblance to my dysfunctional family, its like we're all just beaten down and stupidly stumbling along enabling Daddy's abusive behavior..
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