I am looking for an answer

[Gregorian]

I keep wanting to post here, but it seems like what I'm going through is far less serious than most of the posts.

I found DU in a search for human understanding. It has helped a great deal. I was frightened by real humans. And this has helped me socialize, immensely. But I find that external strife plays a very important role in how I feel. I could be happy if it weren't for the downers that I encounter all too often. The George Bushes of the world. The disasters that come from the phenomenon of humans living in huge numbers on this planet.

If I told my story, I think people would laugh at me as though I have no reason to be upset. I even feel that way, or I'd have posted sooner. How could someone successful be unhappy. I feel like a failure.

Some things in my life have affected me to the point where I'm at a point where I can't take much more. It's external. In fact, it's probably insignificant to some people. I bought a house in a town where several things are happening that I can't handle. And it's too much for me. I'm trying to leave, but that is not a simple answer. It's a big dilemma. And the problem is, the last place was the same. And the one before that. And the one before that. Not good.

I'm frustrated so much that I thought it is time to think about what the problem is. It seems like it's from the outside. But I have been feeling this way my entire life. And that's nearly 50 years. Maybe it's not from the outside. When things are going well, I'm happy. But turn that around, and I'm miserable. Maybe it's something that's not coming from the outside. And I can list a series of things about myself if anyone wants to my details. I'm pretty clear about some things that might give a better definition to who I am.

I might add that I've seen several counselors in my life, and none have done a thing for me. In fact, they have all agreed that they get upset about the same things that I do. Let me know what you think. I want some newness in my life. A new direction, or something.

[DemExpat]

1. Hi Gregorian.

May I suggest trying some form of meditation?

I did the Zazen form of Zen meditation for 3 years and learned a lot about my ego and its unrelenting attempts to control "everything"...which, of course, it cannot.

Highly recommended - doesn't have to be formal Zazen, but I would look into doing some form of meditation with a group for awhile to learn techniques and to be able to have discussions about it.

In fact, I'm thinking about practicing it again soon because of the intense and growing discomfort I feel about the state of our societies/communities/world.

Time to sit and focus on my breathing, on just letting things be again, because truly, our discomfort comes from ourselves more than from what is out there.

At least our reaction to the world is in our hands (or in our minds), so we need to work on that too IMO.

Without giving up our caring about others.

Just my thoughts.

DemEx

[Gregorian]

2. Thanks.

I've been trying to figure out a way to respond.

I have a list of things that has been going through my mind since I was young. I want to post them at some point. But they're rather personal. Still, I want to post them. I don't see what anyone at DU can do to me that I haven't already revealed by posting here.

I'm not like everyone else. I'm extremely vigilant. I see what noone else sees. Except for a few. It's a curse. Meditation isn't the answer. I have a friend who I've known since I was 6 years old. He thinks a slight change in chemistry might not be a bad thing to think about. He's watched me suffer my entire life. I'm not going to alter my body chemistry. Not yet. But things have gotten so rough, I have to start doing something. I stopped drinking alcohol three years ago. I'm absolutely clean. And bored shitless. :)

Something tells me, people go to counselors for many years in order to create a personality profile/history. I doubt my post here will amount to much. But maybe someone here can identify what I'm going through. I'll probably have to list the things that I sense are importants. The details of my life. My loves and hates. I'm worried that after all of the years of the suffering from being denied the things that people usually get in their lives, my problem may have become more real than just emotional (don't be confused by that statement. I know what you're thinking. I mean PHYSICAL). I was pretty much denied everything a human needs in order to be happy. I started out as THE HAPPIEST person on the planet. But it wasn't long after the age of four or five that things started going downhill. I had a house, and I was physically well taken care of. But it wasn't a "home". And there was no love. Very kind and nice parents, but it wasn't right. Noone ever came to our house. It was bleak. Well off. Well cared for. And yet in serious deprivation and pain. And things got worse.

So I don't know what one does when they get to 50, and it's still going downhill. I've even achieved success, although that was not my goal. To me, success was failure. I don't want money. I wanted beauty. But beauty costs even more money than I can afford.

Well, enough for now. I'll return to see how confused that makes things. At least it's a start.


edit- Too sensitive, is the phrase my dad used to describe me. Insensitive is the term I use to describe him. But then his dad died when he was a 9 year old kid, and that was after escaping the Armenian genocide. That's a tidbit that should tell a lot about me.

[DemExpat]

3. Only other suggestions besides meditation I have, from experience, are

other types of counselling that go deeper than just agreeing with you for the things that bother you in the present. I got much insight out of years of therapy delving into what and how and why in my childhood - must say, it helps me now to be conscious of what makes me what I am today, but it hasn't really "dissolved" all of the painful stuff as I had hoped many years ago when I started into it.

Still, I am grateful for the insights and it helped me with my children.

:-)

You could always try altering your chemistry with medications - I went that route and then changed course to find ways to handle my "condition" without (because of unacceptable - for me - side effects)
I use some herbs sometimes to get me through anxious, stressful times, and consult a medical Homeopath who supports me with good talks and prescribed remedies that give me that little edge of a boost towards self-healing - that is the only way I can describe my experience with Homeopathy. If it is at a later date proven to be the placebo effect, it is a very effective one for me. :D

I'm all for everybody finding their own individual way to get good support in this life!

I certainly am highly sensitive - a good book on this is Elaine Aron's book "The Highly Sensitive Person" which I loved because it puts hyper-sensitivity into a different framework for me - not as an illness but more as a gift, albeit with uncomfortable sensations that need to be accepted and handled.

All the best,

DemEx

[Gregorian]

5. Mine is really tough.

I'm in a part of my life, and in combination with a part of this society's economics which are contributing to frustration. Long story.

As for herbs, I tried St. John's and absolutely nothing. Double dose, nothing. I don't even get sugar rushes. I'm really tough.

I know that when things around me are alright, I am essentially happy. I've been there. But without going into my saga, you might not believe it.

I firmly believe that there is a level of satisfaction below which a person is unhappy, and above which a person is happy. I get all excited, and inevitibly it gets shot down.

That book sounds like a good thing. Part of my list of things is that I absolutely hate to read. Being on DU is the most reading I've ever done. And still, it's like pulling teeth, or taking medicine. I got a degree in engineering, but it was HELL. That in itself is a long and convoluted story. Nothing has been easy. Except a few things that I love and that make me happy. Namely, bicycling.

If I'm out riding, and I see garbage dumped on the side of the road (which is really frequent in Oregon), I cannot believe it. I get enraged. Or if I'm riding and suddenly the forest that I was riding in last week is all lying on the ground in a big heap, thank you logger assholes, I am deeply saddened. And then angered. However, like today, if I'm on a trail and I see a tiny snake that must have been born a week ago, I stop and pick it up, and almost laugh with delight before setting it down and wondering what it's life will be like. These are not just my own highs and lows, these are things that nearly anyone would react to in the same way.

Well, I guess I'm exposing myself a bit more than I should. But I want to see where it leads.

[DemExpat]

6. :smile: - sounds like you have it figured out for yourself pretty good....

.....and have tried/contemplated lots of different approaches.

Looks like good aerobic cycling is what helps you the most. :thumbsup:
I walk with a very enthusiastic dog once or twice a day - preferably along the beach. :-)

I bet it is beautiful in Oregon to bike through!

Off to bed ( 1 a.m. my time)

Perhaps others here will have a golden tip to lure you in another direction.

:hi:

DemEx

[Gregorian]

7. Oh, thanks!

I have to laugh when I read my post. It sounds like a young kid wrote it.

We're lucky. I can see you on the beach walking. Yes, my property backs up to miles of forest. I occassionally spot a bear. Riding through the forest is a big part of my life. Everywhere I live, there's a piece of earth to explore. There's beauty everywhere. I try to find it.

I've been on a 15 year quest to find my own private kingdom. One wonders how someone with so much could be so unhappy at times. Several properties back, I sold a ranch to a man who worked closely with Condi. A wealthy man who suffered depression. So even though we have easy lives, they can be unbearably difficult. Not all people with money are crooks, liars and meanies.

One thing I've learned here is that when times get tough, it's important to be cautious. I was really losing it yesterday. But today is a lot less intense. I actually slept last night.

Lately, the logging activity has been keeping me up at nights. It's something I've never experienced. Sleep is sacred to me. Mess with that, and I come out fighting. This time I decided to leave. So I've got my property on the market. But the hardest part by far is the disruption and confusion. I'm trying to keep my sanity during times of transition. Hell, I just moved here in January.

It's 7pm here, but it feels like 1am. Good night all.

[DemExpat]

10. Your post about moving to find your private kingdom reminds

me of the many hours I have been spending lately on the Internet just looking for a simple house.... on some nice secluded but not isolated land somewhere.... to buy for safety, peace, sanity, and for beauty.

What keeps this in the dreaming/fantasy phase for me is knowing how I dislike travelling anymore - unless by car - so that just about cancels out land I was looking at on Nova Scotia, of all places. :D

Western Scotland, Ireland, maybe....Belgian Ardennes. For now its just kinda holiday dreaming for me, but it is a very strong urge I have had for the past 6 months or so.

Your post also reminds me of the unforeseen distubances that one might encounter in pursuing such a dream of a special place of peace - the logging you mention, for example, future development plans for the area etc.

I also remember some of our 'agrarian' holidays in the past where the smell of organic fertilizer in certain periods was overwhelming (and very unpleasant!), or that the area was under the flight paths of airforce jet practices on a daily bases....so the silence of the forest was rudely distubed every few hours or so by screaming jets. LOL.....

So, sometimes I guess I do "count my blessings" and feel very fortunate with my urban house which most of the time feels like a sanctuary in a busy city - close to the beach and to lots of parks.

Oh, yes, another major reason I don't take steps is because, like you seem to have, I have real trouble with moving house. Last time I did it took me over a year to feel comfy and at home. :-(
Very difficult stress for my nervous system.

Glad to hear you are feeling better now.

I agree with sfexpat - check in here regularly if you want to - it IS good to chat with others - to tell them what you are experiencing and to hear about others'....

:hug:

DemEx

[Gregorian]

11. We could talk a long time

I've had the fortune, or misfortune, of not finding that place to call home. Being single, which is also a fortune, or not, has given me the freedom to do anything I want. Two years here, four years there... But it's always moving to get away from something, hoping the next one will be better. I have a huge problem with the population of planet earth. That is the big center of my troubles. It's the force that drives all of the problems. The logging, the more frequent jets, the cars, the development. Each thing could be a topic for days of discussion.

In the meantime, I've designed and built a huge trailer and even bought a crane (don't laugh) :) to literally pick up my stuff and run to the next place. When I move, I bring heavy equipment and a machine shop with me. Thanks to ebay, this time I'm less some machinery and motorcycles. But still, it took years of thinking just to figure out how to move 5000 pound objects. That's the fun part, for me.

But I totally understand your frustration. I never wanted to travel. But for me it was different. I felt a responsibility to conserve. I felt it was irresponsible to just jump in a plane, or car. And here, 20 years later, we now know that the planet is melting. I knew something. Recently I began a search in British Columbia. I wanted, and still want out of the country. But that opened a can of worms. The "green card". You can't just leave the country. And besides, I regret not being able to live where I grew up. I still want to live in San Francisco. But the stupid jets, and the noise from millions of cars. I can't live there. It's been "invaded". Just last night I saw a post on this forum from someone from Scotland. I'm not really making a point here. Sort of rambling. We're not satisfied. We want solitude. I have always said I want solitude without barracades. And we're frustrated.

I think a certain amount of our dreams must come true, or we are denied happiness. Some is brain chemistry. But some brain chemistry is altered by external and persistent circumstances. Some are decisions and some are forced on us. I decided to be single so I could do whatever I wanted. Now I'll be 50, and I'm alone. And I'm realizing that was a partial mistake. I had to endure everything alone. And I experienced really good things alone. My little cabin in the woods that was no bigger than a garage, that had been through the great San Francisco earthquake. That was something I'd have died to look back on with a partner. Or the mountain top in Mendocino where I had my own private world, and the grouse would wake me up with the thumping at 5am. Or the five pairs of giant wild turkey's parading up the hillside. I think also we feel that time is running out when we reach a certain age. That also contributes to mental attitude.

I hope you find what you are looking for. Your privacy and silence and beauty.

[Raksha]

16. Gregorian, have you checked out the ADD thread?

You sound like you may have ADD (attention deficit disorder). This is NOT just a disorder of children as was commonly believed, but continues into adulthood. I just realized I have it, and I'm older than you--59 going on 60!!!

Here's the part of your note that sounds like some of the case histories in the books I'm now reading:

>>Part of my list of things is that I absolutely hate to read. Being on DU is the most reading I've ever done. And still, it's like pulling teeth, or taking medicine. I got a degree in engineering, but it was HELL. That in itself is a long and convoluted story. Nothing has been easy. Except a few things that I love and that make me happy. Namely, bicycling.<<

Now I personally had no trouble learning to read, but it's a VERY common characteristic of people with ADD. I am more the exception than the rule that way. Likewise your difficulties getting your engineering degree. Some people with ADD are able to get through college and some are not, because they have difficulty following through on things. They are even worse than usual with stuff like starting their term papers a week before the due date and turning them in late! I have only a year and a half in terms of credits, and I think it must have taken me about four years to do that much. Of course I was also struggling with severe panic disorder at the same time, so I'll cut myself a little slack in retrospect.

In any case, you might want to check out some of the books we were discussing on the ADD thread and see if the description sounds like you.

[Gregorian]

17. That was the post that got me to post mine.

Thanks for mentioning it.

In the meantime... I think I have found my answer. All of the symptoms are starting to lead to a common source. In fact, I have scheduled an appointment with an md to begin the troubleshooting. First doctor visit in 30 years!

I believe I have sleep apnea. I'm all but positive I have it. So I'll be back with a new thread when and if I discover that it's true. I'm already excited and thinking about the day I post it. And it belongs in this forum because it's the kind of thing people miss when they're looking for answers to their mental health.

[Gregorian]

4. A couple of other thoughts

Endorphins seem to really help. I bike ride 20 miles and everything is better.

My highs are HIGH and my lows are LOW.

Fear and loathing sum things up well.

When I was 9, I got a vial of mercury. And I handled it frequently. This might be more important than it seems. But that will probably never be known.

There are a lot of other significant things, but I'm just posting here before I read your other post, and run out to do something.

[Bluerthanblue]

8. hi, and

I'm glad you are posting. I'm just popping in for a second, and long-winded me would really like to answer at length- but I can't right now-
It DOES sound like you are a 'highly sensitive person'- and that is one of those bitter-sweet gifts. I am thinking you were told that, not as a compliment- or as something to be cherished and treated as valuable, but rather as some kind of 'weakness' or 'failing'- It was for me- But, I'll share with you what my counselor has finally gotten through to me- and that is it IS something ...unique... and wonderful as well as painful at the same time- He likened me to 'fredrick' the Leo-leonee mouse who gathered beauty to carry the community through the winter, while all the other 'good' mice were busy doing 'real' work- But being in DEEP touch IS work- as I can see you know-
Please never be-little the wounds and burdens you've experienced in this world- Does it matter if it is a pound of rocks, or a pound of feathers? Each one is the same weight, and drags us down-.... While some folks trials may seem more obvious, or more urgent, what you are going through is no less painful. I'm one of those who has had 'dramatic' life crisises... and a 'bad' past- but in my journey, I've met MANY folks, whose struggles were every bit as difficult as mine, despite how things may have looked from the outside- and made even more difficult for them, because ...'society'..dictated that they 'should' be happy.

Sometimes, when people see the scars on my body, and remark or question me about them, I almost want to laugh- because those wounds healed years ago-... the ones that can't be 'seen' the one that live inside- the feeling of being unworthy, and flawed, and unlovable are far more painful, and fester without anyones notice. It must have been so hard to have what 'looked' for all the world like a 'perfect' family, while missing out on what is needed the most- the knowledge that you are precious- and cherished, and loved, not for what you do, but because you ARE.

I could go on and on, and i've likely said more than enough already- I hope nothing i've said has been hurtful, or off-base. I do think I understand where you are coming from to some degree... and I want to encourage you- and thank you for 'stepping in' - it's scary, but so important to connect with others, as it helps everyone in some way, I believe. Knowing we aren't alone- or that others have been, or are in 'similar straits' helps alot.

I wish you much peace, and comfort-
and hope you find some solace here-DU has some of the worlds best folks- and I'm awfully glad to have found my way here-

blu

[Gregorian]

12. Incredible. You understant completely.

Exactly, in every way.

Yes, it is scary. I've wanted to post here for two years. But no, my pain isn't big enough. Not real enough. I'm just a crybaby. My life is comfortable. I have money in the bank. And maybe it's true. But that makes it even more scary. I've spent my life being illegitimate.

Yes, it was a nightmare to come from such a perfect family. One that was so empty. A living room full of antique, expensive furniture that noone ever used. A piano that sat silent. And what really killed me was my father sent me family photos last week. And I was reminded of something I always hated. But this time I was looking right at it from the outside. Every picture is of a group of people smiling. Forced to smile. "Say cheese". These weren't photos, these were executions. Line them up and make them smile, and then shoot them.

All I really want to say is that you completely understand. That is probably the most important thing in the world to me. I'll leave it there. I could say that I've never been understood but for several people I've ever met. And go on and on. But for now, I'll just sit and feel good.

[EFerrari]

9. I want to ask you for a favor.

In your post, you say you can't take much more. (And I know this one, it's a sonofabitch.)

The favor I want to ask is, will/can you contract with this group to check in once a week?

The only reason I ask is, over time, over years, I've seen so many people get better, do better, find their footing with just a bit of support.

It can make the difference.

Whaddaya think?

prayers and wishes,
Beth

[Gregorian]

13. I think you're really kind.

I would love to continue staying in touch. Being intense, I don't usually have invitations to do that. It's usually the opposite.

It's raining. I'm not feeling so alive this morning. I think it's sleep apnea. So I'm off to walk around and try to come to life. But I quite look forward to continuing a conversation. It's scary. I have been hiding from the human race. I am scared to get attention. Ha, and I used to be a professional trumpet player. On stage. I think it's a different kind of attention. I'm affraid people will find out that I'm not real. Or that I'm empty. Well, that's enough for now. What seems like simple discussion, can turn into complex talk.

[EFerrari]

14. Okay.

So, let's cut this deal. You pm me once a week, whenever you want but on the same day -- like Tuesday morning or Friday afternoon or whatever. You choose.

My family is full of performers and in another life, I was an actress. It really is a different kind of attention, isn't it? :)

Thank you, Gregorian. Let me know the day/time you pick. And, you can be as intense as you want. It's cool. And, I promise that if I find out you are not real, I will let you know immediately.

We can keep it really simple.

best to you,
Beth

[Digit]

15. If sometimes you felt like participating...

Maybe some of these links would be of interest.
I tend to isolate too much myself and you mentioned being alone.
http://www.sierraclub.org/

http://www.peak.org/~mvbc/

http://www.jimcarson.com/x/

I hope things get better for you.